Heart cry of a hungry soul...

2012-01-11T10:24:00.004Z

So the revelation is coming far faster than my ability to write it which always seems to be the way! I love when God sweeps you up in a whirlwind of His heart. It is like He has been waiting with baited breath for us to finally be quiet and ask "so how does it work?" or "what is your way of doing things?". At that moment of questioning, of finally wanting simply to learn, God pours forth revelation, ideas, new insight, fresh perspectives and things we never thoughts possible. An upside down kingdom. If we would just remain learners, not people with agendas, maybe we would experience the overflowing bubbly excited teaching of God more often...I know I would.

As soon as I really started asking the question about a rest lifestyle and gave God room to actually speak about it, I have been finding keys everywhere! The keys of freedom, sovereignty, grace and listening. And the fact that every key to a rest lifestyle is exactly the same as the one for a life of freedom in Him. Whatever binds us and makes us captive, whether it be thought, perspective or behaviour, instantly pulls us from the place of rest and peace.

How can you be at rest when your thoughts shout their expectations at you? When you are trying to live a certain way, be a certain way, fight a certain thing or are governed by behaviour, other people or your circumstances? However tiny the infringement may be, anything that has crept in and taken even the tiniest piece of your freedom...has by natural extension, also stolen your rest.

This Sunday one of our church leaders spoke on God's goodness, on the message of grace, on freedom and identity. It was stupendous and worth a listen (http://www.citylife.org.uk/Groups/92536/City_Life_Church/Downloads/Audio/Audio.aspx) but basically she was speaking about what we believe determining how we live. Everything and anything we believe about ourselves from the huge (I'm worthless, I am a control freak, I am ugly) to what could be viewed as the smaller (I am afraid of spiders, I am not good at speaking, I am a terrible cook) etc ALL are us defining ourselves, our identities based on labels and values and perceptions of others and ourselves we have built up over the years. We carry so much of this that we probably don't even notice most of them. Most of them, if not all...are lies.

Maybe we have thought we are sinners, that we have to earn our way out, that our self effort is necessary, that our identity labels are well earned and that this is "just who I am". Read this next bit slowly and carefully...it is important:

"Contrary to what we often think - our beliefs affect our feelings, thoughts and actions. If we believe wrong, we will feel wrong, think wrong and do wrong! Many of us have believed the Good News is something to live up to and not something to live by. Many of us have believed our actions can destroy our relationship with God. But we are either children of God through Jesus or we are sinners, we cannot be both! There is no such thing as a sinful child of God (although there are children of God who sometimes sin because they’ve forgotten who they are!) We can either live by grace or by self-effort, but not by both (although this unfortunately is what I and many others have tried to do). We can either believe God wants to reward us and bless us as his children or believe that he only rewards our best efforts and withholds blessing from us if we fail to meet the standard, we cannot do both. Which will we choose today?

When we see and believe that Jesus loves us so much that he went to the cross to make us sinless and righteous like him – we will live like it and sin no more. We will be the happiest people on the planet, and we will have a great reputation with others."

- B.Webb

In true freedom there is true rest. Jesus said on the cross "It is finished" and He said to His disciples: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27 When Jesus came to this earth, two incredible gifts He gave us were; total freedom and total peace.

There is a reason that every tormented, broken, injured person He healed He sent away with the words "go in peace". His gift to us, the sign of our true freedom...

...is peace...and the ability to rest.

Definitions

Peace

of Christianity, the tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and content with its earthly lot, of whatsoever sort that is

Rest

1) to cause or permit one to cease from any movement or labour in order to recover and collect his strength

2) to give rest, refresh, to give one's self rest, take rest

3) to keep quiet, of calm and patient expectation

2012-01-07T11:22:00.002Z

This morning as I continue to pray and pursue God's presence and His rest, I came across a question and answer session recorded at Holy Give school in Mozambique back in 2007. During this session Rolland Baker is asked about the sovereignty of God, a question often discussed with regards to control and free choice. What he replied so summed it up for me that I have transcribed it below. Here is our first key to the question of rest...

"Once you find out what kind of a God He is, I realise He is much better than me, He knows what is good and what to do with the rest of my life and how best to do things, who I should be with, where I should go, what gifts i need, what i should be doing.

Some people like the idea of changing Gods mind and taking control and taking hold of their destiny etc…but my point of view is that the less independent we are from God, the more assured we are that He is going to be with us. The less confident we are, the less at peace we are, the more concerned we are whether or not He is going going to be with us next and be interested in what we are doing and support us. The more confident we are that we are in His will instead of ours, the more confident we are that He will be with us and will be interested and want to help us.

And since He knows us better than we know ourselves, He knows better what we should be doing. So I am just finding out that at that point where I am feeling most secure, the safest, the most Holy and the most free and doing the absolutely best thing that I could be doing, absolutely freely, the most freely possible, that is exactly the point t which theHoly Spirit is most in control.

Because His control is not the kind of control we have. Our kind of control forces people to do things they don't wanna do, makes them feel controlled. But His control is the opposite, His control sets us free - where the Holy Spirit is there is freedom. So when He is in control, He has greater relationship within us with Him that makes us the most totally free, so we experience total free choice. That is the dichotomy, the paradox.

The point at which we feel the most free is the SAME point at which He is in most control.

The farther away we get from this control the less free we feel because we start to get controlled again by our own doubts and issues. So sovereignty to me does not mean that I feel more controlled, more constricted and less free, sovereignty means to me that if I desire God and have hunger for Him and am repentant, He has the power to finish what He began in us and I can be confident that He is going to complete His workmanship in me and that is where I will find rest and peace. Without the sovereignty of God I am concerned about whether I am going to make the right choices, whether or not I have what it takes, have the right stuff etc and lots of things are much more in doubt.

So it is the only way I can rest, trusting His ability to fix me and save me from my self. "

The only way we can rest is to embrace God's sovereignty, make room for it in our lives, in fact to direct our lives so that we need Him to be sovereign in every area. The less self sufficient, the less altogether that we have things, the less in control and sorted and without need we are…the less place of true rest we can accomplish.

Oh the upside down kingdom! I love that heaven is full of paradoxes, this one is my most favourite yet. Here I have been spending all my energy trying to sort and clear up doubts and put together schedules and plans and finance etc and all along God has been asking me to:

"Seek first the kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you"

Rest looks like letting go of control and recognising that God is sovereign, allowing Him to be Lord.

No wonder Jesus said:

"You're blessed when you're at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule."

2012-01-03T12:05:00.003Z

This morning I continue my journey to explore rest, to ask afresh the question of how Jesus modelled life, what He demonstrated to His disciples not just through words but through His actions. I am astounded again as I read the gospels, trying hard to take off my culture filtering glasses for a moment and simply read.

He did not appear to walk obsessed by destination. Nor was He fixated on finding specific people to heal, deliver or meet with. He and His disciples walked when hey wanted to walk, ate when they were hungry and found somewhere to rest when they were tired. People followed Him as He sat and told stories, proclaimed the news of the kingdom and healed the sick. The thing that strikes me the most as I read chapter after chapter of Jesus' life,

is how laid back it all is.

Now I know some of this is because of the culture He was in, but God knew what He was doing in choosing Israel 2000 years ago for Him to be born rather than a technologically obsessive work driven, financially motivated, media centric world to bring Him to. Just because something is different in circumstance or time frame, does not make it irrelevant to us.

He walked. People followed

He sat. People sat

He taught, some listened, some did not

He healed

He rested

He prayed

He walked some more.

Aside from getting pretty heated about the temple being used by money changers and the pharisees living hypocritically to what they were teaching the people, Jesus doesn't appear to raise His voice, get irate, be worried about getting anywhere on time, have a schedule in mind, be worried about missing opportune moments or even be bothered about His public appearance.

He carried a message of the kingdom that He shared with everyone, regardless of who or where they were. He healed everyone who asked (and, I would imagine, a few who didn't). He walked and taught and spent time with His friends, mentoring and sharing life with them and taking them away for rest when they had been working hard. He often made time to get away alone and pray and spend time with the Father. He spoke of peace, love and faith. He gave God all the credit and looked to Him for every move He made.

I don't see any stress here, or striving, or scheduling.

Was this just "for a season"? or could it be this is actually how we are meant to live our lives?

2012-01-02T21:04:00.001Z

It has occurred to me that after about 7 years of writing and blogging thousands of thoughts and reflections, I have recently become very quiet indeed, especially this past year. No doubt it is because 2011 was for many, including myself, a particularly tough year. It has its struggles, its challenges and most painfully, its disappointments. But I rather feel that the true reason for my lack of blogging was that each of those things create within us an unwanted place of vulnerability that is most raw and we strive to keep most hidden and definitely not write about. It is the vulnerability of uncertainty.

I could speak about Rob Bell's incredibly empowering approach to the place of suffering and hardship and the creativity that blossoms from it, maybe someday soon I shall. I could quickly turn and recognise that this past year has in fact been so blessed and full of incredible provision and God's faithfulness that to even acknowledge minor troubles is fruitless and somehow dishonouring. I could even quote Job and recognise with fear and trembling that God is all powerful and I should neither question Him nor recognise "struggles" with communing with Him through these times.

I am going to do none of those. There is only one thing I think I can do in response to this past year and the year ahead (of which I have NO IDEA what it holds) and that is...

To simply begin to write again and write the truth. Whatever that may be.

Today the truth is that it feels ironic that someone who is beginning a house of prayer finds sitting with the Lord in the quiet place sometimes so hard.

This past year has rendered my devotional life tried at best. Scurrying from one thing to another, trying to juggle five jobs and international travel every month or two as well as numerous house moves have all given rise to very viable excuses to why my body (especially my brain) has no time to be truly quiet and rested.

So that is where this years blogs are going to begin. I am truly passionate about one question at this moment, it is a question I have been pursuing since the Romania dream began and it is one that I will hot foot after for years to come.

"What does a life of rest look like within the context of full time ministry/ missions (or work for that matter?)?"

Instead of being hung up on rest looking like sleep and soaking and hours of meditation or scripture study or any other number of things, my question is far more about a rest lifestyle. We are meant to ask WWJD right? Look at what He modelled and showed us and emulate it?

Well, Jesus chose to rest, all the time in fact. He travelled and spoke and healed and preached for hours and days and weeks. Yet, in places where yet another incredible miracle story could have been told, the gospels again and again repeat to us, demonstrate what Jesus was doing during His life of ministry:

And in the morning, long before daylight, He got up and went out to a deserted place, and there He prayed.Mark 1:35

And after He had taken leave of them, He went off into the hills to pray.Mark 6:46

But He Himself withdrew [in retirement] to the wilderness (desert) and prayed. Luke 5:16

Now in those days it occurred that He went up into a mountain to pray, and spent the whole night in prayer to God.Luke 6:12

He took Himself away, He rested, He made time. When things seemed the most ideal, opportune, needy etc, He was getting into a boat, going up a mountainside, hiding (unsuccessfully) in a house. I am in no way saying that one trumps the other, that we should sacrifice our love for the poor to be reclusive in search of a monastic prayer life, in fact Jesus' life and message is quite the opposite. What I am saying is that the pendulum has swung too far the other way, we have determined our lives and our schedules by the things we need to do rather than by His priorities. We are being driven by the wrong thing.

I have no idea what true rest in the midst of great suffering, need, uncertainty, financial crisis, hundreds of children, war zones and disasters could possibly look like, practically, tangibly. I don't know within those moments how to continue to truly sit and have regular dedicated time with Him without my mind wandering a million places or ending up praying for a list of things worrying me. All I know is that discovering that answer means that we need to be honest first. If all the focused attention I manage today is a moment with Him, if we just catch a glance of each other…I know that His promise remains…

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.]" - Matthew 11:28

Jesus, teach me how to rest so that as I walk into this broken, work driven, desperate world, I will be full of enough of your rest and peace that others lives will be transformed and brought to you, the only one with the answer. Amen.

2010-08-04T15:13:00.000Z

Yesterday confirmed what I had long been suspecting. Romania is everything and nothing that I expected.

If I have learned one thing this past five days it is this: I have to unlearn everything I have ever thought, researched, assumed or been told about Romania.

Now don't get me wrong, the stereotypes are here, so much of what i expected is here and I also realise that there is much hidden that still exists, the poverty, orphanages, street children..the known list goes on. But as we drove around this incredible country yesterday and met more of its people and saw its natural wonders. As we laughed and allowed the wind to blow in our faces as we drove up mountains, past waterfalls and listened to glorious raucous worship by a lakeside. I realised once again that all the facts in the world do not define the nature or treasure of a place. Yesterday I saw a glimpse of the real Romania, the place where I live, the people that I now live alongside. And I realised that God was right, again :) It is easy to hold stats and figures and facts in your hand and go on a witch hunt. To see derelict buildings, poverty and a history that was challenging at best and build your expectations on that. But the people I am meeting, the place I am seeing is one of beauty, of joy, of great treasure, of adventure. It is a people with their own quirks and culture and ingenuity. It is a place that reminds me of Africa and Israel and England and America all rolled into one and yet like none on them!

I remember what Heidi and Lesley taught us over and over about being incarnational. And I finally get it. I came here foolishly believing I had something to give when, at the end of the day, I come a learner, empty handed, learning from scratch a culture that is uniquely different and beautiful not so that I can bring a solution or any form of answer or better way to do things. But so that I can serve the best I can, so that as we pray for them we pray WITH them, for the things on the hearts of those whose country this is, not for fixes and solutions we think necessary.

Would I never ever forget that I am here to learn from the great wealth that this country has to offer in tutorship.

2010-07-20T01:05:00.001Z

One of the greatest differences between rules and relationship is that rules cause stagnation. They establish a series of laws of guidelines; within which is absolute right and outside of which is absolute wrong. They create a box or a standard that takes something organic, a process, a journey and make it black and white, requiring no grace, only stamina, perseverance and death to self continuously.

Rules are not easy to keep, they keep every record of wrong, they judge and point out flaws, they are merciless in the clarity of the mirror they hold up and they condemn

every

single

time.

We know this. We know that they suck because of this. But I put forward another thought…

Rules - when kept - tell that individual that they are now ok. That where they are is acceptable and a picture of all that is right. They tell them that they are now good, that they have achieved their goal. The person moves from a place of process and condemnation…

…to a place of maintenance.

This is almost more detrimental than the condemning, unachievable standards that rules instill. Why? Because we settle. We stop. We maintain. We have no more reason to pursue the more because we have achieved our goal with our measure of perfection.

Relationship, however, does not judge wrong and right in the same way. Love and grace cover everything, they do not call out something as despicable, unforgivable or unworthy. Relationship simply loves on, walks with and calls out the truth knowing that somewhere along the line, love always will out that which is tormenting and trialling.

Relationship applauds the process

and love motivates a desire to pursue even better.

I have been struggling in many areas over a long enough time that sometimes I find myself wondering "well, if I am not giving into temptation in this area, which is therefore not a sin, am I now ok? is this ok? this is obviously "just part of me" and always will be".

The rules that say "don't give into temptation" say yes, this is fine, stay in these rules and you are good. Maintain this position and you will be holy and continue as a good person. with stamina, checking and religious rule keeping you will find that the maintenance program will keep you in the "right" and not straying into the "wrong". Black and white.

It is only love, relationship, grace, that says "it is not ok" but not out of judgement or because its a sin or its wrong or anything like that. It is not the black and white of "you are wrong because this is wrong". No. I believe that love says that it is not ok to get to this point and just avoid temptation and class it as always being part of you,

because... it is not ok to settle.

More importantly than anything you might be facing, dealing with, feel is part of you and you don't want it to be, sin stuff, whatever. More importantly than the black and white of whether its right or wrong, where the boundaries are, how close to perfection you are yet. More important than all of that is learning that love celebrates the process, applauds you on the journey and calls you through love to press in deeper, higher, nearer. It calls out your destiny, that there is more, that there will always be more. It does not call you to a goal, to an achievement, to a place of maintenance. But love calls you to the pursuit.

Destiny is not a destination

It is a pursuit.

May we never, ever get in the trap of condemnation through falling short of a perceived goal that in our black and whiteness needed to achieve to be able to stay in God's good books.

Would we realise that the privelidge is in the pursuit of destiny in the midst of our failings, pressing upwards purely because of the love we have for the one who cheers us the loudest and will always love us, regardless of anything we do or feel. Would we, the most, start to celebrate our journeys, other people's journeys.

It is not either or; black and white, right and wrong, in or out, achieved or failed.

It is and and more - love covers everything and does not judge, does not care whether you passed or failed.

But loves every single step of every single journey.

2010-07-10T21:48:00.001Z

The Joy of the Lord is our strength

Abraham and Sarah laughed

Isaac means laughter

It was for the JOY set before Him Jesus was able to do the impossible

The disciples at pentecost were filled with the Holy spirit AND JOY

How did I never notice that before? I don't mean the joy is our strength bit, I mean the pentecost. The fact that even though it is part of the Holy Spirit, Joy is the one highlighted extra, crucial, CENTRAL to pentecost, to the foundations of the first church. CELEBRATION, JOY!!! Man o man o man o man o man

not to mention when Kevin Dedmon before dropping that gloriousness talks about how we are holy as we start singing holy holy and THEN points out that orderliness has nothing to do with aesthetics and perpendicular 90 degree angles, the earth is chaotic looking yet perfectly in order, so's the universe! BUT that a father with children who are laughing knows that laughter is a sign of things BEING IN ORDER, being right, in alignment, all is well.

We need to get used to laughter in the church again, in just a HUGE way!!!

Sound simple? maybe I'm just slow.

But today's blown me away.

2010-07-05T23:11:00.001Z

Rightly or (mostly) wrongly, I find that inadvertently I have structured and live my life by a set of self-defined rules known only to me which govern everything that I decide or do. These rules, or more accurately "permissions" are determined by everything from preferences to social expectations to bases of sheer fear or unknowing. But regardless of their source, I am finding more and more that unconsciously I, and maybe we, live so much of our life constrained by invisible lines, unseen red tape, waiting to be given permission both for the radical stuff like knowing whether its "ok" (permissible) to approach and pray for a total stranger in a shopping mall…to the more mundane and tiny things like how we feel.

It is in light of this weakness that I feel it necessary to release a few permissions out there today, to release myself and maybe you from the invisible lines you have been waiting for permission to cross. It is by no means exhaustive but it is definitely necessary.

It is ok to be sad once in a while, and even more than that if necessary

It is ok to identify that the world is changing and you might not like what you see

It is ok to grieve relationships and friendships that have moved on without you

It is ok to feel lonely

It is ok to want something more

It is ok to not have the answers

It is ok to want to be in control

It is ok to need your space

It is ok to need a friend

It is ok to cry without reason

It is ok to be brutally honest with God

It is ok to have no clue whats going on

It is ok to ask the taboo questions

It is ok to feel scared

It is ok to not meet the mark

It is ok to dance and sing and shout and throw control to the wind

It is ok to sit and do nothing

It is ok to be productive and dream dreams in every direction

It is ok to wish there was someone dreaming with you

It is ok to get to the end of the day and have no idea what you have accomplished

It is ok to need to talk even if you don't know what about

It is ok to miss hugs

It is ok to admit you are wrong

It is ok to want to stop the world and get off

It is ok to be real and honest and true and to allow that moment to hang in the air. Unresolved. Unanswered. A part of life so vital and yet so often disallowed by the feeling that to admit such feelings would be to disbelieve in God.

Could it be that the very recognition and admiral of such feelings is not only what makes us fundamentally human, but is what God loves about us more than anything else?

He has given me permission so that He can join me there.

2010-06-21T00:50:00.001Z

And then I had a picture.

The giant is dead.

Lying on the ground slain, me standing on his enormous belly, rejoicing in the victory and yet I'm scared.

Terrified that he isn't really dead. That at some unsuspecting moment a giant hand will grab my ankle, his hands and body engulfing mine with ease, crushing.

Either side there are demons pushing and pulling the arms and legs, jerking it so as to startle me, to make my jump and panic as though my fears were true, I'm gonna die

and yet

The giant

is dead.

There are things that we deal with, in the past, in the present, issues that have defined us, named us and that have become background noise in the interference of our minds. These issues are not the ones we are currently sinning in, nor those that we are battling and warring through. These are the ones we were delivered of, forgiven of, processed through and come through the other side. These are the things that were a part of us for so long but in His mercy the Lord restored, healed, dealt with and loved us out of. These are our giants that now lay slain below us, a goliath slain by the stone of a boy with a great big God behind him.

And yet there are times when the body jerks, when the anxiety returns or the wobbles come. That has been my realisation as i chewed over this picture, processing it, realising the great truth that the giant is dead, that I am not in imminent threat of death and suffocation, that what was done is done and will always be done because the one who authored all, who closes and opens doors with definitive finality, killed the giant dead. However, as I wobble and jump still, I start to wonder….

…what am I still doing standing on the giant?

Rob Bell wonderfully puts it when he explains that being 'out of the box' is great but the only problem is that that phrase is flawed, by its very nature that phrase suggests that the box still defines you, who you are and where you are. In the same way, standing victorious over a dead giant is amazingly great, a glorious victory, but whilst still standing on him, body twitching and being able to be shaken, my stability, my groundedness, my assurance is still determined IN RELATION TO the giant. My world is still defined by the giant, dead or alive.

And the I was reminded of a story that was beginning to echo through mine…

50So David prevailed over the Philistine with a sling and with a stone, and struck down the Philistine and slew him. But no sword was in David's hand 51So he ran and stood over the Philistine, took his sword and drew it out of its sheath, and killed him, and cut off his head with it. When the Philistines saw that their mighty champion was dead, they fled.

57When David returned from killing Goliath the Philistine, Abner brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand. 58And Saul said to him, Whose son are you, young man? And David answered, I am the son of your servant Jesse of Bethlehem.

4And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, even his sword, his bow, and his girdle. 5And David went out wherever Saul sent him, and he prospered and behaved himself wisely; and Saul set him over the men of war. And it was satisfactory both to the people and to Saul's servants.

He also killed the giant

He also stood on the giant

But

then he cut off the giants head

Took it as testimony

and then LEFT IT THERE

and walked into favour, blessing, provision and his rightful, royal position.

He did not remain in the victorious place standing over a dead thing and allowing that to forever define him

but he allowed that victory to be a testimony to what God had done

and be a stepping stone to POSITION him to where he was meant to be and was created for.

Does Goliath get mentioned again?

YUP but only once

1 samuel 21

David is now running for his life, he is in a totally different situation, years have past and now a prophet hands him the sword of the one he killed that was the greatest sword there was, to use to protect himself.

It is not the giant he is ever defined by again, but that experience and victory so positions him in the right place, that he even comes to a point where he is able to redeem and wield the very same sword that once threatened his life, to walk in an authority over the very thing that should have taken him out. But even then, the giant, his name, his grave, his descendants, any fear or reputation attached to him…none of it is mentioned. His sword was a useful one for a season so is used,

but the giant is dead.

Time to find a way to cut off its head

step off its stomach

and walk into the God-ordained position that victory has created.

2010-06-13T08:42:00.003Z

Psalm 139

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You know me

You discern my going out and my lying down;  you are familiar with all my ways.

You know every tiny inane thing about me, every decision, every thought, every wondering, every quirk, every move.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You know me. You know even things I cannot express, the words that don't even make it to speech. You know everything I think and everything I say. Good and bad.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

And yet, you still hug me, still touch me, cover me, give me a dignity I do not deserve, still surround me and protect me and are everywhere I go.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there….even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

You rescue me, know where I am, I cannot hide, cannot run, cannot exist without you being there, waiting, in your great knowing, and your great loving.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well…

How can I say that I am lesser than you say I am. Your creation is magnificent, inspired, unmatchable, unique and you love each piece completely. You know me. And yet you love me. That is why I praise you.

…All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

You had a plan for me, have a plan for me, and in your great knowing you already knew what I would choose, who I would be, who I would grow into. You knew me at the beginning of time.

You know me inside and out, utterly and completely, you know every beautiful thing but you also have heard every vile thought, godless word, bad decision, poor reasoning, wicked intent and heartless deed. Nothing is hidden in darkness, squirrelled away, out of your sight.

You know my imperfection

and yet

You have chosen me

You have adopted me

You have given me every blessing in heaven

You have filled me with your fulness, the fulness that created galaxies and commanded universes in a cosmic dance

You have covered me in a grace immeasurable

A love eternal

A mercy unimaginable

You know me

And you still chose me

In unfathomable abundance.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. 7In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding....Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.

2010-06-08T22:22:00.001Z

Dear diary

I think I have inadvertently forgotten to be grateful. I mean, I honestly am, I say it all the time, I appreciate the life that I have, the things that I am able to afford, the country I live in and the community God has given me. I am grateful without measure for Gods grace and love and generosity towards me that He would call me His daughter and lavish His love upon me.

And yet.

I have forgotten how to be truly grateful, so overwhelmed with gratitude that I must give it out, bless others, do whatever it takes to love on another, include them in what I feel and know and am grateful for. I have forgotten that it is easy to be grateful for what I have and am given but that a true demonstration of such gratitude must surely come in a drive to find another who does not know in their lives the reason for gratefulness I have in mine. It is the compulsion to touch another, share a heart, give an ear, extend a hug in circumstances within which gratitude seems impossible. It is loving the unlovely, the hurting, the desperately hopeless.

Silver and gold I do not have. But I am grateful for all I have, and that cannot stop at feeling good, thanking God and appreciating how blessed I am. It must overflow to those around me, it has to. This is why we were created, this is why God has poured out His goodness. He has given us the ability to include and gift the things we take as standard in our lives, community, belonging, a cup of coffee, the desire to listen, the time to care, the contacts to make an impossible situation escapable, the education and training to find a solution and make a strategy, the God to provide the healing and adoption. He has given us these things that we, even without a dime, can radically and irreparably impact someones life for the better.

I don't care how cheesy it sounds. It really does simply boil down to Love.

2010-05-28T09:04:00.001Z

There are some nights that you never forget.

Ever.

This was one of them. We were walking down the dark dirt street illuminated by temperamental street lamps, the ocean brushing with the sand rhythmically to our right. Only five or so minutes from the base it definitely was not bush bush, incomparable to the adventures of the previous nights, in fact we were on a break. Every member of our team was a white westerner, not that it matters except to prove that very point, it doesn't matter, miracles happen with white people too, not just in Africa. The evening in its dusky glow was warm to the the touch with a cool breath of breeze on our faces. Perfect. Truly a perfect, star studded african night. We were a motley crew of visitors to the site for various reasons. Two leaders of another base, myself and my mother, three girls that we met in Pemba from all over the world and a 13 year old boy named Gary and his mothers friend who had brought him.

So anyways…

We got to the restaurant and sat at the back left at a wooden table with our backs to the incredible beach, the sounds of the ocean in our ears. The perfect night. I don't even remember what I ordered, tell the truth, but I know this much. Gary ordered the fish. Not that this was a new thing, he had had fish many times before being from Alaska and all so the following events don't make much sense. But I know what happened.

I was a recently qualified nurse. As a result, every cell of my brain was still ringing with the "warning signs" and "things to watch for" that had been brainwashed into us during training. I was two months into my acute nursing job on a break to do a missions trip. Every nurse in the world knows an anaphylactic shock when they see one. The tongue starts to swell, the throat also, closing up and then the lungs and all airways swell closed. Caused by a million different things but all causing one reaction - a fatal one. The only difference is the amount of grace time you have to do one of two things. 1) Get them to take a lot of antihistamine and hope it works quick enough (usually a rubbish plan) 2) Stab an adrenalin filled epi pen into their leg to reduce the swelling instantly. Without either of these options? 100% fatality rate. Every time.

So when my friend leant over and asked "do you have any antihistamine?" and i looked up, everything in me screamed and froze at the same time. Diagonally across from me, Gary was not only demonstrating a severe fish allergy, but it was happening at an alarming rate. Tongue swelling up we could already hear his windpipe closing. Rasping terrified breaths coming from his throat. I did the math, this was rapid onset, he had about 3 mins. The base was five mins away, I have no epi pen, he is already too swollen to swallow any pills.

This boy was going to die.

Right then, right there at the idyllic beach side restaurant, on a missions trip and yet not even in the machete wielding bush bush. By all accounts afterwards, none of them heard my instantaneous inner monologue but could read it as my face drained of all conceivable color as I realised what I was looking at. Years of nurse training for every eventuality had led me to this moment. There was nothing I could do. Nothing.

"Pray!" My friend yelled and we all started praying in tongues furiously and loudly, caring not about whether the waiters of another faith would be bothered or not. At the top of our lungs we commanded this thing to reverse, Gary now terrified unable to gasp a single lungful of air, me watching every scenario we had played out at nurse school panning out in front of me. This was not how it was meant to go. I was meant to be able to do something. This boy was not meant to die.

And then.

Gary sucked in a huge lungful of air and then another, sucking at the air like a fish out of water. He stuck his tongue out and infront of our eyes the swelling reduced and then went to nothing. The three minute mark had been reached. 'Three minutes and he will be dead'. Three minutes and…sitting infront of us was a perfectly normal, healthy, breathing 13yr old, looking slightly stunned but alive none the less. "I don't think I am going to have the rest of the fish" he chuckled sheepishly before leaving the table to wash his face. My friend turned to me. Until that moment I hadn't realised how frozen I had been "how bad was that?" I shook my adrenalin filled head "he should have been dead…he should have been dead…"

Three years of nursing had taught me one thing.

God's world is a gloriously upside down one.

2010-05-25T21:47:00.001Z

It was excitement more than anything that filled my head as I bought the paints and plastic handled brushes that would serve as the tools of the evening. The thought that some may never have held a brush, never been asked to express what they were feeling with no restraint except the borders of a page, never received a gift created just for them.

I was asked to come to the homeless cafe that runs every week where swathes of people come in off the street and get a cooked meal, clothes and a roof over their head. It was a bustling melee of people surrounded too by the beautiful, raw youth of the YMCA who regularly come to help their new found church friends. I had a good idea of what I had planned, we had discussed it at length; don't be too long, just show one or two paintings, there will likely be disturbances. But as worship started in the little back room and I set up the tables and finally my own small canvas, I had no idea whether I was walking into a dream or a soon to be carnage of paint and distraction.

As the musicians played I began to settle my heart, to focus the eyes of my heart and mind back on the one I love, on the God who has asked me to run after Him in this upside down world, the one to whom it is a delight to give everything and do anything. As I began to centre of Him, the paint flowed and my brush eased over canvas, blue and white, smooth and rippled, a hand coming and touching the surface of water. People were starting to drift in now, curiosity getting the better of them, asking me intermittently what I was painting and why. I didn't really know, I often don't until it is done. By the time I had finished and looked up again there were almost 35 people in the room, a great mixture of volunteers, youth from the YMCA and those from all walks of lives who had found themselves with no place to live. I looked again at what I painted and heard His still small voice whisper "turn it on its end". As I turned the painting around I saw what it was, not simply a hand stilling water, but now a hand calling calm to the vertical, distorted, rippling mirror of untruths and beliefs long held about identity and who they were. God was bringing His truth and calm to the lies once believed.

I shared about the painting and people were listening intently. I then took out a canvas, explained it and showed it round and people were enwrapped 'show us another one'! and another, and another, until six canvases had made the rounds and yet still, their attention was focused on me, the paintings, the paint. I explained the plan for the evening. Everyone had been given the name of another in the room, they were to paint a picture of what they felt God was saying to that person. Simple.

Warily I pointed people to the paint, realising full well that there were not enough brushes for this many people. It was going to be finger paint carnage, I thought in my orderly brain. But each person took their place, a paper and busily, studiously started to create, paint, express their hearts. Not one drop of paint hit the floor, not one person caused a scene or was distracted from the task in hand. I am unsure whether I or the weekly volunteers were more stunned. As I walked round the room I began to see. Pictures of water, rivers, trees, hearts, stars. Pictures showing love and friendship, breakthrough and bright color. Pictures of destiny and dreams and hope. Regardless of skill and ability, what was emerging from fingers covered with rainbows of paint was outstanding. God was on the move.

Before long we called it to order and invited people to explain what they had painted if they wanted to. Reluctant at first, one came up to share and then sheepishly gave her painting to her designated partner who beamed in the corner. Another volunteered and explained his painting of a mountain surrounded by darkness with a bright light crashing in from above. More eager now, people began to volunteer, each explaining what they had created before delighting in giving it to the recipient. Each recipient treasuring their gift and looking more valued and focused than they did when they arrived. More paintings came, trees growing by a river of peace and calm. Hearts and stars, how much God loves them and what He thinks of them. Pictures depicting the war of life and all the struggles and a hand coming in from heaven pulling them out of it. Before long the entire room, almost, had received their pictures and the atmosphere was awesome.

It was then that one of the leaders realised a couple of people were without paintings. "Quick, whisk one up for them" I was told. Pressure on, three seconds to pull one together in I pull a piece of paper and literally draw two squiggles. A kindergartener could have done better, and I am not being modest. I apologetically went over to the lady I had painted it for and explained. "This is a tornado (pointing to a squiggle) and this here is a path (yet another squiggle). The bible says that God works all things together for good for those who love Him. Some things in your life feel like storms or tornados but I see them carving a path and that God is using them to help determine a good path with Him into your future and destiny". I step back and the woman and her nephew start freaking out. "Oh my gosh!!! We have been saying all week how my life is like a tornado! How it all feels like a tornado! Oh my gosh this is going in the living room in the centre of the room to remind us!"

Stunned I go to paint for the other girl, the final person in the room with no painting.

This beautiful one is about 16, pregnant and with a pretty short attention span, sitting looking curiously at me as I paint. Her painting was similar to one I had done before, a blue back ground with a person, arms outstretched at the base and a dove descending. As I asked Holy Spirit what it was all about I heard Him say "explain to her about jewish adoption". Seriously?? I went over and tried to explain as quickly as I could before i lost her attention but no need, her ears were fixed on me. "Children born to their parents are those parents kids. But in Jewish culture, that child goes through all their growing up, matures and learns everything the parents have to teach them. At the point where the parent feels they are ready, they have learned and represent the family, the parent legally adopts them into the family. This is a picture of when Jesus was baptised, when God adopted His son into His family, showing the world He was not only HIs natural son but that He chose Him too." She took the picture looking perplexed and I was concerned she had no idea what I had just said and then she left. Two minutes later the leader came running over to me "do you understand what you just said to her?" I was worried I had said something wrong but before i had chance to reply the girl was back, eyes bright and waving the painting "I was adopted!" she cried excitedly "When you told me that…I was adopted…God was adopted!!!"

Needless to say I was undone.

Needless to say God has just proved His strategy for Romania with me. Bring it on Jesus!

2009-12-05T14:27:00.002Z

There was a sacred moment today. One of those moments that only comes when you least expect and lasts for an instant and yet, it rings in your ears long after the revelation hits your spirit…

Understated

yet violently loud,

Maybe obvious

& yet

like understanding a 語言 {language} for the first time.

As I stood at the altar of a beautiful tiny church that I call one of my homes, I was readying myself to receive the communion and then…there it was.

A week or so ago during a Sunday morning sermon I heard the scripture where Jesus said that we need to eat His flesh and drink His blood.

He doesn’t even just say it once,

He says it repeatedly,

over

and

over

and

over.

No other explanation was offered, no expounding, no apology, no watering down, no explaining why He appeared to be asking them to do the most extreme opposite thing to every moral fiber and thing He had so far seemed to stand for.

Nothing.

Just a simple statement - from which so many walked away.

John 6 “48 I am the bread of life….If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever; and the bread that I shall give is My flesh, which I shall give for the life of the world.”

52 The Jews therefore quarreled among themselves, saying, “How can this Man give us His flesh to eat?”

53 Then Jesus said to them, “…unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink His blood, you have no life in you. 54 Whoever eats My flesh and drinks My blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. 55 For My flesh is food indeed and My blood is drink indeed. 56 He who eats My flesh and drinks My blood abides in Me, and I in him…”

60 Therefore many of His disciples, when they heard this, said, “This is a hard saying; who can understand it?”

61 When Jesus knew in Himself that His disciples complained about this, He said to them, “Does this offend you?”…….From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more.

There is something about that scene that so disturbed me to the core, the question arises of what I would have done in their shoes.

Cannibalism?

Seriously?

I mean, we know the end of the story, but they didn't.

What were they thinking, wondering…were their dreams and hopes being flushed away with this one impossible statement that made no sense and offended every cell within them? No wonder they walked. But oh how I wish they had stayed. I find myself wishing I could cry out to Jesus, ask Him to explain just this one, right then and there. We deal so badly with offense even in the face of what we know to be trustworthy, which we can lean on in the face of uncertain presentations of reality that are offending us.

And then the last 12 disciples were left standing there.

Bemused,

perplexed,

bewildered,

confused no doubt

and yet,

they had nowhere else to go.

They did not understand any better than the others what He was asking or why He was asking it. All they knew is that they were out of options, there was nowhere else to go.

This was the answer,

HE was the answer,

they KNEW Him so well that He could have asked anything, said anything and they would have followed not because of their ability but because they trusted Him and it was as black and white as that. He was the only messiah, He was the only answer. Whatever.

67 Then Jesus said to the twelve, “Do you also want to go away?”

68 But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69 Also we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

So,

I am standing at the altar after a week of this scene niggling in the back of my mind and all of a sudden the familiar passage is read and boom.

There it was.

"And Jesus took bread and He broke it, saying this is my body, broken for you"

And I got it.

It was like I was hearing it for the first time. Was like I was sitting round that table with the disciples, following Him for Him, unable to reconcile everything I have heard and yet knowing that all that was needed was that HE knew. And then He lifted the bread… and explained.

I wanted to shout:

"oh my gosh, I CAN do that! I can eat bread and remember and… that is what you meant?!"

I felt like dancing and singing and laughing. I felt the weight of an impossible ask lift from my shoulders, the explanation freeing me from the burden of misunderstanding and confusion. I knew in that instant that He knows what He is asking, and He also knows that though He sounds like He is asking us the world, like He might offend us, confuse us, stretch us and baffle us at times with the magnanimity of what He asks…

…He also knows what He means and that we will be more than able to do what He has before us.

It’ll seem as huge as being asked to eat flesh

but will be as easy & life giving as eating bread.

We have just got to trust and follow the person that we know rather than the doctrines we find easy to do.

I know Him.

I trust Him.

I will go anywhere for & with Him.

Where else would I go?

He is the only one with the words of eternal life, He is the only one I love more than life itself.

2009-09-18T22:51:00.001Z

I have just clicked. It's about love. JUST about love, not about figuring it out, or trying to measure and judge and wonder and balance and get people sussed. It's about loving them in their frailty, in their fullness, in who they are not what they are walking under the burden of. It's about doing the ONLY thing God commanded us to do and letting HIM do the rest. It's about learning to LOVE WELL, extending a grace and an unconditional love that is so radical and so beautiful and so safe and accepting that it creates a place for God to break through with His love in the places that need healing. It's about love love love. May religion, theology, judgement, cynicism, logic and all else die in me and leave only one prayer...Jesus...teach me how to love well.

2009-06-10T18:45:00.003Z

Isaiah 55

An Invitation to Abundant Life

Oh what an invitation!!! I so desire the place of abundant life, the place where Jesus dwells and I have been made welcome and invited to come, not to just sip, not to glance longingly as though through a shop window. But oh I accept a thousand times accept the invitation to come and be and drink and twirl and rest and curl up in the arms of the one I love, the one who calls my name and leads me to the place of abundance.

¹ “Ho! Everyone who thirsts,
      Come to the waters;
      And you who have no money,
      Come, buy and eat.
      Yes, come, buy wine and milk
      Without money and without price.
       ² Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
      And your wages for what does not satisfy?
      Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
      And let your soul delight itself in abundance.

I am parched and thirsty, oh so deeply thirsty, for that fresh touch of God, for the abiding presence that is the moment when we enter the place that He dwells. Without price, without cost, without striving, without all the frills and spills of life's achievement focused mentality. Oh I drink so so deeply of the sweetness of His Word and presence. I long for more, I long to know how to feast only on the riches that He lays on the table before me. Oh that my ignorant mind would be enlightened and my flesh crucified that I could fully and completely give everything I have to the one I love!

       ³ Incline your ear, and come to Me.
      Hear, and your soul shall live;
      And I will make an everlasting covenant with you—
      The sure mercies of David.
       ⁴ Indeed I have given him as a witness to the people,
      A leader and commander for the people.
       ⁵ Surely you shall call a nation you do not know,
      And nations who do not know you shall run to you,
      Because of the LORD your God,
      And the Holy One of Israel;
      For He has glorified you.”

SHABA!!!!

     ⁸ “ For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
      Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
       ⁹ “ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
      So are My ways higher than your ways,
      And My thoughts than your thoughts.

Almighty God, forgive me for the times that I have created my image of you from my perfected image of humanity. Thank you that you are so incredibly more and unimaginably greater and are full of divine contradictions that we can never get our head around so that we can never ever put you in a box.

       ¹⁰ “ For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
      And do not return there,
      But water the earth,
      And make it bring forth and bud,
      That it may give seed to the sower
      And bread to the eater,
       ¹¹ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
      It shall not return to Me void,
      But it shall accomplish what I please,
      And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

OH MY GOSH this has come up so much today!!! And as we were spoken into being, WE are words of God as well and we will accomplish what He has set out for us. Every promise, every word, every desire...they will not return to HIm void empty or fruitless. I cling and rejoice in that truth and remind myself daily of the words from His mouth.

       ¹² “ For you shall go out with joy,
      And be led out with peace;
      The mountains and the hills
      Shall break forth into singing before you,
      And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
       ¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
      And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
      And it shall be to the LORD for a name,
      For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

Jesus i love you, you bless my heart beyond measure and satisfy and refresh my soul beyond what I could imagine possible. Thank you for your love, your grace, your living water which never runs dry. I love you

2009-05-10T13:14:00.000Z

Its upside down, the whole thing is upside down. We speak of a kingdom that is on its head, we know that Jesus did things so contrary to logic and expectations, and yet this truth rarely permeates throughout every aspect of our lives. I had a further revelation of this this morning. Doesn't sound too profound but sometimes the most simple truths that move into our hearts, are the ones that are keys to so much of Him.

We feel tired/sick and so we wait to get prayer before we pray for people. We contend for months and years in church to see healings breakout, so we wait until we see them there before we go out onto the streets. We think this is logical, rational...not running before we can walk etc etc. Surely the pure use of those words should ring alarm bells! As I have prayed out of my weakness when I thought I needed prayer the most, healings bust out and my problems just disappear, my perspective is changed and joy fills me from head to foot. Sometimes we don't need to "deal with issues", we just need to change our perspective and remember quite who God is, how real He is and just how much He loves us...the rest sorts itself out without any further effort.

The biggest thing that dawned on me though, was that as we start praying for people on the streets after months of reasonably unsuccessfully praying for healings in the church, that healings bust out on the streets effortlessly and then what happened?....3 healings in two minutes this morning at church! come ON!!!!!

When will we realise that EVERYTHING about the kingdom of God is on its head, completely irrational, illogical, impossible and therefore 100% glorifying to GOD!!!!

Jesus would you continue and never stop turning my world on its head, removing my rationalisations and sweeping me up in a dance, running on this great adventure. God thank you that you always show up! that all you ask us to be are taps, faucets of your Spirit. Whatever we keep in the church will die in the church....thank you that as we are running and skipping and dancing on the streets and inviting people to your kingdom, you are breaking out at church.

COME ON JESUS!!!!!!!

2009-03-09T12:16:00.003Z

"Turn my eyes from worthless things"

I love that the epiphany that we think we need and that God knows we need never match! I know HIm well enough now to know that it is only very very rarely that He will alter circumstances before challenging my heart, my attitudes, my priorities and my reasons.

The only way I can explain how I feel is through metaphor. It is like I have been staring intently waiting for these little plants to grow, trying to predict where the new shoots will come up, what they will look like, trying to control the environment around it to ensure nothing goes wrong. I have stared so hard and so long that my vision is getting tired and blurred and my focus is waning. I still blink but to look away is to lose control, to leave the plants even for an instant, to the elements, to randomness. Will one die? Will they all grow? which one will be first and what colors will they be, how tall will they grow?

Finally I cannot bear it anymore, my eyes are so tired that I glance away to give them rest. It is then that I see a bright red rose. Just the one, in the garden that I sit, a foot from my face, that I had never noticed. It so grabbed my attention and yet there was no effort in looking at it, the red invigorated and yet soothed my tired eyes. It took no work, I was not it's gardener, I simply looked and marvelled and enjoyed. I realised that I must be getting back to my plants when the epiphany hit;

I had been staring at the wrong thing. I don't mean simply "we need to focus our eyes on Jesus" but more that I had put my focus on something so pointless, over which I had no control and was inevitably going to come up just as God placed within their seed to come up. I realised not only the futility but stupidity of my wasted hours staring and trying once again to predict a plan that is as fluid and changing as the wind. A plan that I gave to Jesus so many years ago, who am I to try and figure it out.

It is not about the job, it's not about moving, it's not about ministry, timing or situation. It is not about the future, nor about the purpose and plan for right now. It is simply and only about love. I have read words like this a million times but to have the revelation of them, to have them sink into the marrow of my bones and the depths of my soul, is like finally being able to lay back on the soft green grass, enjoy the breeze over my face, and rest my eyes as I let nature take it's course.

So what does this all mean? It means I owe an apology to those I have ranted to for one! It means that whatever it looks like to pour my life out in love right now, that is what I will do. It means that my motivation is not ambition, furthering of gifting, grabbing opportunity or trying to "figure out" where I am meant to be or am heading. For me right now, it is pouring my life into the beautiful old people i get the honor of hugging and loving on every day. It is walking one foot in front of the other and giving this job everything I have until God asks me to lay it down and go to another place. I love these people, I love that once again I can have the opportunity to lay my life down for people in caring for them and making the final years of their lives ones where they can encounter Jesus and a love that they may have spent almost a century never knowing existed.

When I realise that I am loved, when I look at that rose and enjoy its blood red blossom that was just for me in that moment, I realise what love looks like and what priorities really are. He is my only priority. Love is all that I need to make decisions, to live my life and to walk one foot in front of the other.

If i have learned one thing from looking after my beautiful elderly friends, it is simply that ambition, expectation, aspirations, work, family, friends, money and all other motivations will not last. The only place of true fulfillment throughout life, even when we lose our ability to do all else...is love. Is Him.

2009-03-02T17:18:00.002Z

If I were to write 10,000 words

How much more would I be heard?

How could even all express,

Depths of joy mirrored by distress.

Though words paint well a canvas bare,

I fear even these won't take me there.

For what picture do I wish to find,

To paint the feelings in my mind?

An ocean, sitting, to and fro,

On pebbled beach soft waves do flow.

A silent, never-ending tide,

Herald change, reveal and hide.

And yet, until it's gone once more,

Do I dare walk this salted shore.

I look intent for nothing known,

I find only one acceptable stone.

But as I reach the waves appear,

Crashing, rushing, crawling near.

I've yet to know the stone's purpose before,

Fingered waves cover pebbled floor.

The stone, my precious treasure touched,

By crawling, roaring waters brushed.

Intake of breath, a sigh of waves,

Receding now as sunlight bathes

Myriads of stones, all alive but one;

For my precious little stone,

was gone.

2009-02-28T22:07:00.002Z

You think because you choose to trip

I'll choose to give up on you

You think because your weakness exists

No longer will I try

You think because it is not enough

You cannot earn my love

You think that no you've given up

I'll turn my head and run

I'll love you anyway

I'll love you always

I'll love you whether you even love yourself

I'll love you anyway

I'll love you regardless

I'll love you simply because I choose to love you still

2009-02-12T12:18:00.002Z

How gracious God truly is that He would answer my prayers and speak to my soul even when I am illogical, irrational and selfish. In my fallen humaness, He doesnot try to bring the eternal rational, He does not use His authority, His rod of discipline nor His reproach to my pettyness. No, instead the creator of the universe sits beside me and holds me as I cry. He whispers into my soul and I pick up a book. As He reads it to my bruised heart I hear His voice again. And it is not harsh nor brusque, it is gentle and edifying, encouraging and full of oh such beautiful love. I mourn the loss of that which I was ready to lay my life down for, that I poured so much of myself into. God could easily have, rightly, pointed out that He did not always ask me to pour as I did nor that I should not be mourning what was never mine but always His. Instead He points out that where noone else remebers those who lay foundations, that He has created me not only as a fire starter but a foundation builder and HE has seen. He shows me those of old who have found themselves in similar situations and so, after letting me cry until there are no tears left, He gently shows me I am not alone, indeed He calls so many, if not all, of the saints to walk the same path. When we lay our lives down for Him, when we give HIm everything and our sole prayer is one of desperation and dependance, He rejoices, His heart leaps as He can be God through this one. It is of no surprise then, that He will not allow us to cling to tightly to anything that it might be attributed to us and not Him, or that it might prevent us from continuing to move like a leaf on the wind, wherever He asks.

Once again I realise that it simply is not about the things we do, however admirable or for His kingdom, He is growing us, developing us, jealous of every bit of us and calling us away from the world that has so infected our souls. He uses the situations we get ourselves in to being us into a greater freedom. It is from that place of total liberation and total surrender to Him, that the works and the salvations comes.

The greatest fruitfulness comes when we lay down, when we give up, when we get lower still, when we choose again and again, every day and every second, that we choose the cross, we choose to give it up, we choose to say yes even when He asks us to leave somewhere our hearts are rooted. We choose to say yes even when it hurts and we must entrust those dearest to us into His hands. The yes that i have said is so insignificant in light of so many other billion other yes's sounding around me and throughout the years, but it is no less important. How can we run with horses if we stumble walking? Unless we can say yes not only in the little things but consistently in the little things, every time He asks, how will we ever be able to lay down bigger and bigger things in our lives. Rees Howells talks about getting victory over things, that once God has dealt with something in us, it is done. If we learn how to say yes and that He alone has everything in His hand and we own nothing and noone, we have victory in the area of dependance.

My prayer has never changed. It is an incredible breathtaking privelige to be one born and living in the west who has a tiny clue what it is honestly like to really need Him. I pray for two things; dependance and desperation. And I live for one: Jesus.

Rees Howells Intercessor - page 123-124

In separating him to Himself, the Lord was preparing to take Rees much farther than this. He was going to call him away from public ministry altogether and the next step came through an attack of the enemy on his special friend and co-worker in the mission. They loved each other and "by nature", observed Mr Howells, "he was one of the most loveable persons I have ever met. Also, like Apollos, he was eloquent and mighty in the scriptures." But the enemy, through some believers, began to tell his friends that so long as he remained with Rees Howells in the village he would never be at his best. He needed to have a work of His own.

The Lord showed Mr Howells the seriousness of this attack, and that he was the only one who could save his friend: "The only way you can do it is by giving him the very thing the enemy says he will never get. Why don't you give the leadership of the mission to him? Retire behind and be an intercessor for him. Pray that the mission will be a greater success in his hands than in yours. "And He reminded Rees that this was one of the very things He had spoken to him about years before in Llandrindod.

He had to face the effect it would have in his life. "For three years I had put all my time, money and everything into the mission." he noted, "and had been over every night. And now, when there were great prospects, He was asking me to step down and help behind my friend, as he had previously helped behind me. The mission was growing, and would become still more popular, and the people would naturally attribute all the success to my friend. There would never see nor remember that it needed someone to put down the foundation.

"It was a great inward conflict to allow my friend to get the onward success. This was the next grade of self the Holy Ghost was going to deal with; and it was a hard process, allowing self to be replaced by His divine nature. For three days I could not willingly accept it, but I knew I would be pulled through. It was God's way of working one up to having as much joy in a hidden life as in an open and successful one. If my aim in life was to do God's will, then I could truly say either way would be equal joy."

2008-12-10T13:46:00.001Z

BREAKTHROUGH!!!!!!!!!
This has been a weekend of revelation. Of the seeds planted last year finally growing roots of revelation into my heart. The orphan spirit left on the floor behind me and I choose to run fully abandoned into the arms of my father, not just as His daughter, but liking the one He has chosen to adopt and call daughter and lavish His love upon. He has so radically and persistently showered me with love that I can do nothing but realize that what I have been told and read about is true. He is my Father. I am His daughter. I am loved, adopted, beautiful and allowed to be me. Where did this all come from? Two realisations…
I don't have to prove myself.
It is more than ok to fail.

Those were the floodgates through which all of this followed…

I don't have to be anyone other than me.
I am not a misfit, just a very unique individual.
I do not have to know what I am called to do just who I am called to be; a fire starter, a commissioner and equipper, one who cares for and loves the brokenhearted, the outcast and the desperate.
I am God's daughter. I have total confidence that He hears everything I ask Him and that He cares enough to even answer the littlest things. He clothes me, provides for me, feeds me, surrounds me with family and friends, loves me, speaks to me, equips me, forgives me, disciplines me and cheers me on as I run.
It is ok to fail.
Even if I fall flat on my face, He cares more about my heart than my actions. I desire to be obedient and give Him everything because I love Him. It is all about love.
I know I am loved and therefore I trust Him because He has proven Himself fully trustworthy.
I know I am forgiven so I choose to let go of shame and guilt and to walk in short accounts, trusting in His faithfulness and mercy and grace if I trip up.
I know that He has plans bigger than I will ever be able to begin to imagine...so I don't need to exhaust myself trying to figure them out! I am beginning to know how to be content in all circumstances; there is a great privilege in simplicity. I am honored to have nothing and have the privilege of being utterly desperate and dependent on His goodness. I look at the bible at Gideon's army and at the disciples and I know that He knows me better than I do and that He will equip and grow me as I go, ensuring that things are so much bigger than I could ever manage alone that He may be glorified fully and His kingdom brought to earth.
I know I am adopted and what is His is mine.
I know I have a new name and can walk with head held high.
I know that we walk and talk together as friends and that although His ways are higher than mine, He chose to humble Himself that I may know Him intimately and have the great honor of working together and being needed and wanted by Him.
I know my home is in heaven and not here but I can visit it anytime I like.
I know that I know that He is my Father and He calls me by name and will never fail me.
I know that He is the personification of perfect love
...and perfect loves never fails.

And the revelation that started it all?
It may be that it looks to the world like I am the most ill-equipped and painfully wrong choice for something God is asking me to do.

However, the revelation that struck me clean between the eyes and has changed everything is simply;
Surely it is exactly that fact qualifies me for the role He is asking me to walk in?

He doesn't chose the strongest and the most adept, most experienced or gifted as I've always believed. But He chooses out weaknesses and areas of growth and dependence and causes us to move in these that HE might be glorified. It is Gideon's great army, whittled down to a few hundred men. From ability to inability. It is the disciples, fishermen with no people skills and a poor track record, not given time to even clean up let alone prepare and get sorted.

I therefore choose to no longer be bound by standards and expectations not only of others but of myself. I choose to look my Lord in the face and at what He has asked me to do and not spend days, weeks and months to prove my ability to do it or how equipped i am and and to prepare myself so I would be perfect for the job after all.

But instead, I choose to lay down on my face and say "God I have no idea how you will do this through me, it terrifies me, I have no ability within myself, I have no idea how to last a second, but all is possible through you, I am you servant, your daughter and your beloved. So I lay down and give you this little vessel, to do with you what you will, and I will gladly do it for you that you may be fully glorified through my weaknesses, and my inabilities."

I have come to the conclusion that there is something about the "go" of God that more often of not is is about an "as we go" equipping. Sometimes, it is the principle of it being far easier to steer a moving vessel than to launch one that is stuck in the sand and being covered with more and more layers of waterproofing.

2008-12-10T13:31:00.001Z

2008-10-10T10:32:00.002Z

Hehe wow I really should keep this more up to date! However, I thought this would be a neat little revelation to begin again with...

"And that life was the light of men..the light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it" - John 1:4-5

Far from the concept often inferred by well-meaning preachers of this passage, there is a clear and fundamental truth here that can shape our understanding and approach as we walk into the darkness and find His treasures.

To say that this verse is literal, the idea of darkness not being able to "understand" the light does not make sense. However, John explains that through Christ is creation and that in Him is life. It is this life that is talked about as light. We are called to be life bringers to the darkness around us. Once we realise what light truly is, that it is more than the words of the gospel but in fact is a full expression of life itself, we we begin to understand why the darkness cannot understand it.

The verse is no longer limited to our words and abstract concepts of theology and baffling the minds of unbelievers. But instead, the life of Christ, goodness, faithfulness, mercy, love, grace and trust, fellowship and the power of adoption. It is such a counter culture to the world around us that those in darkness will literally not be able to understand our lives, natures and beliefs. Far from the argument of theological concepts, a life bound by fear, power, greed, addiction, intellect or oppression cannot understand or make reason of the life given to us through Christ Jesus. That is why through Him there is a creative work. Not only through Him was creation but all things, all grace and love and salvation come through Him by revelation. Without HIM forming revelation and new sight and understanding in our hearts, how can anyone truly comprehend such radical and non-sensical love in the face of evil, fear and oppression?

John 1 immediately sets the stage that so confounds the western world, the stage of faith. Light attracts and although not understandable there is a great promise that follows, for ALL who choose to believe:

sonship.

2008-05-20T14:42:00.001Z

I call you today, this day, to keep pressing in.

I call myself more than anyone...I know...and yet still I call because it is more than important, out very survival depends on it. Yes, it doesn't feel like it here in the West, but trust me. He really meant all He said in that book we flip through idly of a morning over breakfast during 'devotionals'.

There are different seasons, different times, different places and different emotions...I know that. I am not calling you to a model, a framework, even a level of radical abandonment or honoring liturgy. I am calling you, today...to simply press in.

Wherever you are right now, whatever you are doing. As you read this, stop. Take you hands from the keyboard. I suggest a practice long forgotten but more valuable than we ever realised in the days of busy distractions and 'just another job' multitasking...

Hands together
Eyes closed.

And sit there. For a whole minute. Even two. Even more...

Just sit and wait and love and let Him love and reflect and stop and get hungry and eat and drink and wait a little more. Hands clasped, head bowed, remembering quite who we have long forgotten Him to be. The one without whom nothingness doesn't even exist. The one so large that there actually is nothing above Him. The one who no-one counselled or taught or advised and yet knows all there is and had no beginning and is immense. Words mean nothing, until they hit your spirit like they did to me this morning. So, seeking a true fear and reverence of the Lord God of the entire cosmos who I "chat" to sometimes without a true realisation of WHO He is...

I press in.

Hands together

Eyes very tightly closed.

2008-05-13T14:18:00.002Z

Wait on the Lord oh my soul
Wait on the Lord oh my soul
Wait on the Lord oh my soul

Be strong and take heart
Be strong...
..and wait upon the Lord

He is beautiful and good
He's the lover of all men

He has rescued us before
He will rescue us again

He is faithful and true
He is loving and just
Surely he will deliver us

I will wait on you
I will wait on you

COME GOD!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-29T22:21:00.001Z

I would almost go so far as to say that to claim love for somebody without an active demonstration or outward manifestation of that love...is to live in hypocrisy.

Not one scripture refers to love as an abstract concept or as an emotion, attitude or decision that is divorced in any way from action. The bible never speaks of a love that is not intimately linked with its demonstration.

On the contrary. Biblical love is, by scriptural definition DEFINED by action, attitude of the heart and words as an accompaniment to that. Love IS...kind, patient, not envious, not self seeking... it is outlined by Paul as proactive and justified not by words but by action and reaction towards others.

Jesus walked incarnationally AS LOVE. He did not simply make a statement and then keep His distance, preferring instead to be in the midst of those He had compassion for. We rarely hear Him speak the words of His love and never without an accompanying demonstration, more commonly it is known by demonstration. It was out of His love that He moved, healed, spoke, made statements and commitments.

The fruit of our mouths come with responsibility.

What I am realising even as I sit here, is that when I make a statement to a person, however radical, it then becomes my responsibility to demonstrate and walk that word. If we state love for somebody, we are speaking a commitment, our yes being yes and our no being no, the words we speak of love carry a responsibility. Our words will be justified and our faithfulness tested not by the eloquence or even the sincerity of those words, rather by the active demonstration if the love they spoke of.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

2008-04-28T22:02:00.004Z

It all began with the work experience student.

I was sitting at my reception desk which I man twice a week in a local hospital, one of my three jobs, and today I was joined by a bright and keen young lady of 15yrs who was on work experience. With her there, I felt it my duty to help along, show the ropes and explain a little of what I do.

That is until we both realised that there is only so much that can be said about how to answer a phone, which way the stamp should face for a satisfyingly upright envelope and how to insert sticker sheets into the right folders. Before long the conversation became quiet and then switched to her most favorite topic, music. We chatted and chatted and she lit up, we became raucous and for a split moment I forgot I was 9 long years older than her and I entered into the banter and excitement of a teen with a passion. I entered in with such enthusiasm in fact, that before I knew what I was doing, right there in the reception of the hospital, I began to tell her all about my last few weeks and months.

I too have a passion and before I knew it out it came, every detail. I told her about the Mac and how it appeared on my doorstep just how I had seen when I was praying to God about it weeks before. I told her about the 1000 pounds God gave me that weekend and someone giving me a camera that was perfect for what I needed. I told her how I had said in March that I was going round the world this year even though it was physically impossible and I had not a penny in my pocket.

Before I could stop my excitable self I was hopping up and down in my chair, eager to tell her all about how, within literally 4 weeks, God has provided thousands and thousands of pounds, has covered every traveling cost, every visa and passport, all of the admin costs and my living AND my bank overdraft taken care of along with it! Before I knew what I was doing, I explained about Mozambique, about the miracles and what God does and what I am going to serve and do.

I didnt even get to telling her about the thousand pounds handed to me one sunday morning, people emptying the last of their bank accounts into mine as a sign of faith, the opportunity to give to others and a love from the family and friends and even people I do not know that He has placed around me that have heeded the call and been obedient and paid a cost. It blew my mind too much to consider what each of them had done, nor that they were as much a part in training up the harvesters and ministering to the poorest of the poor as I am. Such an incredible principle that it is that those who sow will reap, that the blessing comes back a hundredfold and that one little life telling the story is totally ruined and undone and broken beyond description by all God has done through His most precious children.

However, I didn't get to telling her any of this as, at this point, I came down momentarily from my place of euphoria to see a girl sitting in front of me in total silence. So silent in fact, it was like she was trying to suck the noise out of the air, a vacuum created by her dropped jaw and widened eyes. Sitting back on earth in the hospital reception on a cloudy Monday morning, I chuckled and dropped my voice, apologised for my excitement and asked...

"did I just mess up your world?"

"yes"

came the reply.

So...?

...I told her about the Florida revival and gave her www.ignitedchurch.com and www.god.tv on a little yellow post it to go explore. "Go check this out if you wanna be messed up some more honey".

I recommend it to you also. Never in my life have I seen anything like it. But to be fair, never also have I truly known the power, provision, love, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, goodness, holiness and true magnificence of the one I have the priviledge to call Abba.

2008-03-20T23:09:00.003Z

My God is a God of utter abundance and today I am undone again.

Last night God did so very much between a friend and I which made my heart sing with delight. This, after what was a night of such undoing on the streets of my city, breaking my heart and thrilling it at the same time. After four hours sleep I awake and begin to try and work and then a courier comes to my door....

Four weeks ago I was soaking and as I always start, I wanted to talk to God about stuff to make sure it didn't hang around in my head for the hour of 'being still and meditating' in His most beautiful presence. I asked Him how much to expect from the conference weekend and He told me 1000. Yes, I know you have already heard that story. What you didn't hear was that I also immediately got an impression/vision in my head that was clear and then went. I saw a man walk up to me and hand me a mac and then walk away.

I was convinced that I had made it up, I have been desperate (and I mean desperate!) for a computer for six months although God has always provided one and I have never gone without for which I am so thankful and is a miracle in itself! The other two things were that to get a mac costs a fortune and even if someone did want to buy one for me....they would give me the money. And then this morning happened...

A courier is at my door...a guy...and he hands me a computer, I sign, he leaves, I realise I have just reenacted my vision...and I am stunned. I open the package knowing what it must be by now and staring back at me is a brand new top of the range macbook, packed with stuff.

Gripping the computer to my chest I fell on my knees and cried like a baby.

God has never ever made me go without. He has always provided, always made sure my clothes dont wear out and shoes are on my feet. Always provided a roof, food and I had a computer of some sort or other every single day I commited to admin. Never have I gone without. But the abundance of this morning...I was so very undone, I still am. That He would do that for me, that He would provide all that I need and the best of the best as well. No poverty spirit, I am daddy's girl :)

Thankyou Jesus...thank you so much

2008-03-19T23:03:00.002Z

It is fair to say that I am a mess.

I am one total and complete mess. Today has been quite a day, a day of perspectives and just...I dont even know. Tonight we went out in groups of three as a cell group onto the streets of Southampton. I have been asking the Lord for a while now to show me the poor, His kids, just to ache as He aches. The other night I curled up in His heart and for the first time in so very long I began to ache as He aches, for His bride, for England, for those I saw in the vision in Mozambique.

Tonight we met some beautiful people on the streets. The first guy I knew from a year or so ago and it was so wonderful to get to pray for him. I even told him about my God who heals and has healed in Mozambique and he let me pray for his legs (which stop him working) without a flinch! How grateful hungry, open and caring he was, they all were. Then we met a guy who most likely was making up the majority of his story. What the heck, I just didn't care because what he was saying, wether real or not, was such truth. He said he chose to be on the streets cos he oversaw and looked after three squats and does what Jesus does. Jesus didn't accuse people or judge people, He bascially said "so you have issues....come here and let me love you". This guy on the street knew what so many of us have forgotten as we try to live pure and holy and righteous and all that stuff which is way important but he reminded us of the unconditional love of Christ. How long we spend not being able to accept His grace and His love. This is where Jesus would have hung out, these are who He would have loved....oh I ached for those He ached for.

And then, a girl runs up who is 16 years old. She is scatty and tells me she suffers from paranoia. Before I know it she is telling me that she has been incare since she was 3 and her mother is in prison. She has not had one birthday with her mother. Oh to love on her with abandon! When she has left we are told that she is already working the streets. A 16 year old, unloved prostitute. oh God oh God oh God!!! They live in squats right here in the center of the city. I do not know what to do, how or with whom. All I know is that God showed me His beloved, the ones He aches for and He set that ache within my heart. Prayer is brilliant and His timing essential, but He calls us to be His hands and feet....there must be a response?!

2008-03-17T23:14:00.002Z

I sit here in the dark an dlisten to the whisper in my spirit of the Lord's voice. Not a loud shout, nor a voice like I have known before. An impression deep in my spirit of Him, His love, His heart, His voice, His intentions. The quieter I get in His presence, the more I know things. A quiet certainty. that is what i feel right now. Not even a voice or a phrase, just a quiet certainty. He is here. I am His. I am chosen. Nothing has changed. I am going to Africa this summer. I am going to spend some of my year shoulder to shoulder with the persecuted and oppressed. I do not look with natural eyes. I do not question it...I simply know.

I have been in this place before. It has been some time but I recognise this place, like the musty smell of old familiarity. Like returning home after months of journeying. Like the remnants of a grandparents perfume or a child's blanket. I know this place so well. I am in His heart. I am consumed by Him, ravished by Him, lost in Him. I sit somehow curled in the very chambers of His heart, resting against the strong yet gentle beating of the walls. Never ending, never missing a beat. Faithfulness in every pulse. Every beat strong and yet yearning, longing, a deep beat that contains every bit of His delight and every bit of His grief and longing for His lost. I lay here in total peace and total rest and yet I lay here aching with His ache for those who are so lost and do not even know.

I ache so deeply inside it is like my very being is slowly being dismantled by conflicting emotion. Papa, please may I never leave here. Papa, I love to be with you, I long to be with you, in your very heart, totally surrounded, totally consumed, hearing nothing but you, silence in a constantly busy mind. Nothing but peace and the deep deep knowledge that many things will be and many things are...simply certain because of who you are...oh Papa would I never leave this place! And yet I ache because He aches. You cannot be here long before you ache also. He aches as He looks each one in the eye, as He holds them, loves them, heals them, calls them, feeds them. I ache for the orphan and the outcast. I ache for the broken and the rejected, the ones who have been called nothing. I ache especially for the nameless and the abandoned or the kidnapped. I ache because He aches and soon it is the ultimate dichotomy. At the same time my body and spirit are totally at peace, totally enveloped in His overwhelming love and yet also the blood begins to rush through my ears, my heart quickening in pulse and the ache growing stronger and stronger that I know I must go. I know I must follow and obey and love without measure. Love even if they dont understand me. Love even when they cannot receive it. Love because He loves and because I ache with His ache. Oh Papa, teach me how to bring your children home! Oh Papa that none of them would stay lost and cold and orphan! Oh Papa this place is too beautiful for them to stay in the cold without name or recognition. Oh Papa bring in your bride through me!!!

And so I yield again and again and again and I ask Him to bring me here often. No longer for me anymore, but to remember, that I may beat in rhythm with Him and ache as He aches. That in this place I would take the time to ask...

Papa...how are you today?

Oh God. Oh glorious beautiful majestic God whom I fear and I love with holy trembling, oh mighty awesome God..oh daddy. Would you take this offering, this yielded life. All I have and all I am again and teach me once more.

I love you.

2008-03-04T15:41:00.002Z

firstly...ok um, a few weeks ago during a soaking session I heard the Lord tell me "1000" over and over. I was sure I was making it up, I had added together what I could potentially make in profit from my artwork and it wasnt even possible! I told myself I was making it up and couldnt hear God. Anyways, this weekends conference was wonderful. I found it hard to engage at times, these past few months have been a major struggle, time of processing and just being desperate and healing. God met me inthis place and although at times it was intense and difficult, He is so very very good. Physically my body was really attacked saturday morning but felt better by the afternoon as was on the stall solidly literally all day! I think I may have recruited for Harvest school and Iris more than sold paintings but I was so blessed by peoples comments, encouragements and just the way the paintings were obviously speaking to people, as well as quite how many friends I have supporting me and praying with me and believing with me...I am more blessed than I have words for. I know so many without a community and I am overwhelmed with the family and friends God has given me for sure. Anyways, so I met other prophetic artists and made wonderful connections which was great and then sobbed my heart out through nearly the whole meeting. A friend of mine began to prophesy over me "I see planes and planes and planes, loads of travelling!" After all of that, I came home :)

Sunday was a veg out day. I counted the money and it was about £400, £200 of which covered my manufacturing costs. It was so hard not to be disappointed but I tried really hard to be actively grateful and praise God that He provided money! Then, Sunday night I get a phone call from a good friend of mine. He told me that he wanted to buy me a CAMERA!!!! it is PERFECT oh my GOSH and I was blown away. Monday morning came and another good friend of mine (Oh God I dont deserve all of these!) had been told by the Lord to invest in the younger generation as her inheritance. She handed me a check for £400!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God said "count it all". I laid all my money out and began to count. He told me to include in the price of the camera and when I did I began to scream...on the paper read £1000.70!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEN....not even half an hour from the beginning of my screaming fit, I got an email inviting me to ASIA!!!!!!!!!! I knew there was something I was meant to be doing with youth this year, that I wasnt going to be going on an outreach extension and that when Shara had mentioned Asia last summer I freaked out.....this all fitted PERFECTLY!!!! I was totally blown away and spent the rest of the evening screaming and shouting and laughing and rejoicing!

So.......although I dont have a dime of the money I need for a plane flight, it would appear I am off to Asia as well as Africa and America this year!!! hahahahahahaha!!!!

2008-02-29T11:23:00.002Z

Well....Right now I am sitting wating for my crazy weekend to kick off and i pause to look over my crazy week that just begs to be told! I started a new job, got back on a horse for the first time since I wasa broken, painted like a crazy loon, went twing collecting and almost re-broke myself, got emails from Brazil, America and Korea in the space of 12 hours, was invited on a speaking tour in Asia, did admin til it was coming out of my ears, saw a beautiful 2 day old baby that is a gorjus miracle, had new art interest from the States of all places, got added to another ministry website (which in itself its nuts and wesome!), got the opportunity to talk to a beautiful friend I havent chatted with in months and....heck and?!?!?

I think that is quite enough for one week! I have decided that I live on of the most random lives of anyone I know! hahahaha, maybe I should grow up and get a steady job, husband and mortgage....then again, this is me we are talking about, I have a feeling even those will be gotten on the run! Itchy feet much? yup....just gotta pray in the finance. I need a total miracle! But I know its coming, I really do.

phew. I'm exhausted already and I haven't even started this weekend. My painting is the key picture of the prism conference here in Southampton so I have been preparing, printing, writing, painting, organising...you would never BELIEVE how much work it takes! and now I get to display all my stuff and really sell it! excitement :)

So yes....thats my crazy life..

gotta run!

2008-02-14T14:35:00.000Z

I talked at cell last night on Jonah and it was AWESOME, God totally took over! He gave me a dream the night before and I found myself re-enacting it when I was speaking which was so super dooper cool! He had me speak about not only what decision we make when we are in the whale but more importantly how we react when we get out of the whale, life starts to be less life threatening again etc. Do we begin once again to let flesh rise up and get angry/offended/bitter etc etc and miss our opportunity for joy like Jonah did...or do we rejoice in the grace that was extended to us and extend it to others, seeing as God does, remaining in the place of brokeness and humility, recognising Gods sovereignty, and rejoice? We have the opportunity for joy, if only we would remain low and therefore with clear perspective.

...guess who was preaching to herself?! ;)

2008-01-30T10:01:00.000Z

Great is the Lord! Mighty in battle! the one who redeems, vindicates, loves, protects, upholds and fights for us! We can stand and He will bring about the impossible for His people! Glory to God on high, truly, there is no other God.

I can barely articulate anything except the intense gratitude to my God for bringing me through the wilderness, for breaking me, for watering the tares in my spirit so that they would grow up from the wheat and I could see them and cut them down. The work is by no means done, that would be an indicator of perfection, but I praise God that in His great mercy He would break me and bruise me, allure me into a place of wilderness, so that I may truly know His voice alone once more, the breath on His lips caressing my cheek, the touch of His hand, quietening my nervous busy-ness. To know the name that He whispers to me in the cool of the night, the dreams and desires unfulfilled and yet not unpromised. The hope of the truth of His word and the fruition once more of fruit and promise as He takes HIs precious time to re-instill within me the truth of abiding in the vine. Oh what a gracious God! Discipline is certainly not wasted on those unloved, for it takes time, patience, grace and mercy...but oh, to know how loved a daughter I am that God would take the time to stand with me in the furnace of circumstance, to hold me in the wilderness of depression and to walk with me as we both come out...me...leaning on my beloved.

To the Israelites, camping by a sea when their enemies were on the horizon seemed hopeless, terrifying, pointless, it made no sense and soon they cried out for their lives of slavery once more. Surely there was nothing else here for them? Surely this was the end of the road? The promises of God hollow and empty, God apparently silent and castrated of their power, sadistic and human natured after all. Dissapointed and scared they cry out for mercy and not only does God do the imposible and lead them in the one direction it is naturally impossible to go...through the very seas itself, but BEFORE then...

....before then, the cloud that directed them went behind them. God had their backs, was their rearguard. Protected and shielded them whilst He made the way clear. There is so much more in this that I leave the story in Exodus to speak to you directly but this I do know...

Whichever wilderness, whether the wilderness of apparent broken promise and hopelessness that traps and surrounds, or the wilderness of a broken life, stripped bare of everything and everyone, all vineyards stripped away, sitting naked, humbled and vulnerable....Whether you leave dramatically by a route that doesnt exist or barely standing, leaning with your full weight on your reinstated beloved who is strong enough...

You do come out of the wilderness....trust Him.

2008-01-18T00:54:00.000Z

I have to sleep and I am wanting to give Jesus the rest of my evening so this will be short but oh so sweet. He is ravishing me again!!! It has been a battle, still is a battle, but I can hear Him, feel Him, smell Him, touch Him! whether it is permanent or break in the clouds I do not know neither do I care right now except that I know He is here. He is wooing me like in Hosea 2, He is calling me by name and in my naked, ruined, broken mess of a state, He is calling me into His very heart and loving on me in a way and with an abundance of grace that makes no sense. I deserve punishment! What a harlot and a whore I have been to Him and yet where the world would stone me...how does it make sense that He takes us into a desert not to punish us but to give us a new name, to draw us into an even deeper place of intimacy?!!? doesnt he know our humaness? doesnt He stop trusting us? I am so overwhelmed receiving a love I have not been imparting, to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of my actions, to be hurting for the same reasons God hurts right now and yet...oh He loves me in a way that makes no sense, that breaks my heart.

He is revealing Himself to me again as He does in the wilderness and the valley of achor (Hosea 2) truly I have never known a grace like it. I, totally undeserving and yet...and yet He calls me to Himself, He calls me by name and draws me into His heart. Not to give me answers and formula and reason. But just to love me and be with me and hold me. Oh, what to do with this?! How to lay down the hurt and pain, how to lay down hurts, pour out forgiveness, shower with grace, wipe the slate clean, trust again and truly love without condition, love as He has asked me to without needing reciprocation, loving like Jesus...because of Jesus...for Jesus and Him alone. How to cover this in grace? how to learn mercy? Oh that He would consume me. I want to abide in Him.

I am done being a twig. I cannot bear fruit without Him. I am being burned in the pile and am so ready to be grafted again, to abide in the vine.

2008-01-11T16:12:00.000Z

I am in such an interesting place at the moment, life has thrown curve balls that have made me realise the humaness of the beautiful people around me, and of myself. The realisation that peole are but grass that withers and our feet are so often placed in shifting sand. The promises I have so often held people to are fallen promises made on a whim that they never know whether they really will keep or not. The only one who knows is Him, the only one I can trust and believe and, most beautifully, who loves me even though He knows my nastiest and most human side, is my beloved. Day by day I pray that He reminds me once again how to worship, how to let go of bitterness, how to reside once again in His heart and allow Him to just hold me without kicking and screaming. My heart needs Him so bad and yet I feel like an overtired child that does not know what to do with themselves at all. He is so gracious and loving and faithful and kind. It is hard for my flesh not to want to distrust Him also, to distrust whether song of songs really was for us or whether His gift or His love was conditional after all. But I look around and I know, I pray and I know, I read His word and I know. to whom else can we turn? Who else has the keys of eternal life? Who else can we trust? I can no longer trust anyone as I trust Him. He is jealous, burning with jealousy but He is slow to anger, not slow to love. He sees our imperfections, our ugliness, our cancerous thoughts and battered hearts but He does not despise us for them, neither does He ask us to sort them before He will love us again. He does not hold us to the human standards that we are so often hurt and let down by, He loves us in the midst of it all, regardless of what happens next, even if we dont change, he still loves us. That is a truth that right now is blowing my mind, that has me speechless in so many ways. I have been hurt like I thought I could never be by someone who does not even realise how they have hurt me. Broken promises of who I was to them when, when all is said and done, it turns out that they didn't love me as much as they thought they did after all, instead despised me. To be loved for the Jesus that pours forth through our lives is such an incredible honor and makes me so happy. But to be loved unconditionally, wherever we are at, however we act, warts and all, just because we are us, not because of what we do or hear or the relationship we have with our Daddy...that is a much truer love.

Misty sings in one of her songs; "...disillusionment it is a gift..." it made me think and think this afternoon, how could disillusionment possibly be a gift? Because it pushes us further towards the one who is altogether lovely and altogether holy. It reminds us that this world is but a breath and the men in it but grass that withers and falls. It keeps us in a place where our eyes have to be turned towards Him because there is nothing left. Oh that we would learn to love Him like He loves us, to walk as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walked, to love Him without condition and without offense.

Daddy, I want to be in that place again.

2008-01-08T23:25:00.000Z

The Narrow Gate - Martin Scott - http://www.3generations.eu/blog/

A good friend, Andy Knox, sent me this yesterday. He is someone who hears the Lord accurately, and when I wrote about ‘the gate’ he was encouraged to send me what he had been hearing. I commend it to you for prayer… again it is possible what is released in 08 is released then but the manifestation takes place after the year.

I heard the Lord say 2008 is the year of the narrow gate. I saw the gate in a hedgerow, and the other side of it a wide open field. It fells like a squeeze to get through the gate, but the wide open spaces in God the other side of it are really beautiful, where He sets our boundaries in place.

For some, the squeeze is like that of Joseph in going from Potiphar’s house through Prison into his place of destiny and purpose in God. He’d done well in the service of Potiphar, but in order to get to where He could fully inherit all that God had for him, and see the fulfillment of things dreamt about, he had to go through the squeeze of the narrow prison gate. In that place he probably felt pretty vulnerable, a bit like he’d lost it, disillusioned and then, through faithfulness, interpreting and understanding the nature of dreams and some key appointments, he’s through the gate and into the wide open space of seeing the provision of the provider in a ‘foreign land’ to be a blessing to the nations. So, a repositioning is taking place, but the way to that place feels very uncomfortable.

For others the squeeze is one like the camel going through the eye of the needle. Literally, baggage has to be put down, that cannot be hauled through afterwards. Things from the last season cannot be carried into the next. For some that includes radical decisions about finances, for some it means dealing with unnecessary burdens of false guilt, but the provision on the other side of the gate is so vast, that there needs to be no fear of letting go.

I also believe that for many, Numbers13/Deuteronomy 1 is a key narrative in 2008. 2000 was a year that the Lord clearly spoke to forerunners that it was time to ‘go in and possess the land’. The spies have now returned and there are 2 reports being released to the body of Christ. 1 report says, that we should stay at the mountain, that the giants in the land are too big, and we would be stupid to try anything different to what we know. The 2nd is one that says, the fruit is good, the land is fertile, our God is bigger and He is the provider and protector. Yes there are giants, but it is a time for courage and hope in the knowledge of who God is. If we don’t cross the river and fully circumcise our hearts we cannot see and be the fullness of all that God intends. This year is a big year of chioce for the people of God to listen to the report of hope. We have to learn to stand together in a new way.

2008-01-05T00:46:00.000Z

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"

"Implicit in this statement is that those who do not mourn will not be comforted and those who do not face endings will not receive the beginnings" Walter Brueggemann

2008-01-03T23:07:00.000Z

Today I determined that, being in a place I have never been before, it would be wisdom to at least try and journal all that is going on that I might least attempt to leave a log for in the future when hindsight is once more 20/20 and the world is rose colored again.

Right now, I am in Southampton, staying with friends, unable to work and just trying to find my feet in what feels like very shifting sand transition times. I returned from America two weeks ago exactly and from Mozambique Africa in September. 2007 has established itself in my memory archives as one of the most packed, head spinning and crazy years I have ever known. My feet barely touched the ground and what an exhilarating ride it was! However it leaves me here, through incredible highs and lows, I now find that I have finally stopped.

The place I am in now has been called so many things by people I speak to, wilderness, barren place, furnace, hard place, a new season..who knows. They are all great spiritual phrases and all valid in their own right but the thing is, none of them totally fit. The place I am in now is one of complete stopping. It is as if God has totally immobilised me, not given me the tiniest hint as to my next twist or turn, the next direction or step. He has pretty much completely pulled the carpet from my feet on every front. Every thing I ever thought was certain, my last remaining strands of permanence whether physical health, job, ministry, location or closest friends...has been ripped from me and I am left knowing only three words. He is here.

How I move from this place or even stay and reside in it, I am unsure. What to do next is an unknown and yet what to do now is no more clear. I adore my beautiful God who is so faithful and true. I trust Him for He is trustworthy. I just don't understand Him. In time I will, I know that. This is not a permanent season and as I lay things down and choose to let go even the most precious things to me, I know that some will be restored and some will leave forever. Which ones are which I do not know and I just choose to trust God with the things most precious to me and the people that I would give my life for in a heartbeat. Nothing is certain anymore. No-one is certain, all are human and whatever God's plans and purposes and design, we all have our choices and desires. All I can do is open my hands and look back to Him expectantly, desperately hoping that at some point, letting go of them will hurt less and He will guide me as to what is next, and whether or not He will restore all that He ordained and established.

I don't expect anyone to understand what I write, it doesn't matter how this reads except that it is on paper, it is written that I might remember this place. I do not want to forget nor despise the place I am in, this place of so much and so little. I know that God is teaching me contentment, He is teaching me who He is again, His place. As my jealous husband, as my everything. His faithfulness is beautiful, His jealousy is unimaginable, His love is off the scale and His grace and forgiveness knows no limit. I am undone by Him and am not worthy for Him to take the time to not just give me another job to do but to strip all away and see what is left, to purify for Himself a bride of His very own who is eager only to do what is good (Titus 2:14) and is His. So here I will stay until He tells me to go elsewhere. Not just because I am trapped and unable to decide to move, but because I trust Him and I know that He has a purpose.

All I need to know, is that He still has a strategy...and I am in it.

2008-01-01T02:27:00.000Z

It is a new year and God is here :)

It thrills my heart to its very core that when all is stripped away, when we are shells of ourselves, at the end of everything that we are and that we know...He is there. He remains there in faithfulness, in goodness, in peace and perfection, in holiness, in forgiveness. The very essence of everything that He is and was and will be. The great I AM goes nowhere.

I have ridden the tossing and turning waves of the last year. I have seen things beyond comprehension, by His grace been shown things I did not deserve to see and yet have also known the storm, the pain and the furnace in the midst of the greatness and wonder. As Heidi has said and lives day by day, it is a cup of suffering as well as joy. The two come hand in hand and as much as I despise the suffering at times, I praise God that I can trust Him. When all else fails around me, when all else crumbles and falls, all I am left to realize to an even greater clarity is the even greater extent to which I can trust Him and entrust Him with everything. He goes nowhere. We do everything we can and live out of our flesh and our humaness, covered in the cancer of sin and yet over and over and over, instead of offense He offers love, instead of anger He extends grace and forgiveness, instead of turning His back and walking away, He is running with His arms outstretched, tears pouring down His beaming face to once again embrace the son, the daughter, that He loves and has given everything in eternity for.

I am undone by His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness and most of all His love. I have stood on the stormy sea and felt the wind whip my face, the boat no longer in sight. I cannot turn back, I asked Him to take me out of the boat, I asked to walk on water. It is me and Him now, nothing else, no security or comfort other that what I know in Him. Me and Him, eyes locked, almost a stand off as He asked me this year if I will continue to walk, continue to trust Him as the waves continue to beat against my feet, the gale battering my wind burnt cheeks. For so long this winter I have found myself crying "Jesus, I just can't", at the end of myself, frozen with fear, with tiredness, with uncertainty, with so much that cannot even be articulated. I chose to look at the waves, to stare at the wind. To trust the things that I saw and felt and knew, to trust my 'reality', my common sense, what I knew and to try and run to the boat behind, to choose comfort after all, to backtrack on where He has brought me, by my own asking. But the boat is nowhere to be seen...and I began to sink.

A human standing there would have walked away, would have been hurt, disappointed, rejected...so many things. We read Peter's story with criticising eyes and judgemental minds. But Jesus never criticised him. He never said a thing against him. The amount of grace extended to Peter throughout Jesus' life is astounding. We don't understand, it makes no sense to our human reasoning but the thing is...

...at least Peter got out of the boat.

It is a life lesson that I think I will learn and continue to learn until my dying day. I almost want to remain captive to human reasoning and the judgment and opinion of man for feeling of deserving it. Fear of man and fear of the unknown and circumstance had so quickly frozen me from the pure childlike thrill and delight of walking on the water, doing the impossible with Jesus. But Jesus never condemned him like we so often feel we should be. The ending of 2007 for me was not the failure that the world and my mind would have me believe it was. On the contrary. God is God. At the end of ourselves, there is more room for His rule and reign. I feel like I am so far from everything He has for me and then I discover the greatest new years present of all...I am right where He wants me, where He needs me. The only place where my pride is no longer, where my hands and prised open, nothing left, empty and broken, a place from which anything can happen. Him and me. Me and Him. My creator, my beloved, my best friend, my master, my everything....and I.

What does 2008 hold? I have no idea. Who will come on the journey along the way? Does it even matter any more? I trust Him. Everything of my world has crumbled and yet...

...He has not forsaken me, nor ever will.

Praise be to God the maker of heaven and earth. The earth is His tabernacle and I will praise Him for as long as I live simply because He is worthy. He is trustworthy and true. I can run to the far sides of the earth, to the deepest depths of the sea and He is there, He knows my thoughts before they form in my head. He is faithfulness. He is love. He is perfection. He is holy. He is in control.

He is everything.

Jesus, I only know one thing walking into this year on the waves, staring into your beautiful beautiful eyes and that is....

.....that I love you.

2007-12-26T15:49:00.000Z

God spoke to us today about Him being our friend, about how heaven was not this big freaky thing that is full of responsibility and accountability and purpose and all of that, but He just showed us what He showed us cos we are His friends and He wanted to. How releasing! It makes me miss Him and it again. It makes me dare to pray again to meet Him in that place because it is not this huge heavy thing, it is merely the place where friends meet and commune and delight in showing off to each other.

This fall, however horrific, has been the balancer for this summer. One without the other would have destroyed me and the world around me and us. Both together has been a furnace like no other where God has answered our prayer for total dependence. He has shown us Himself as the unmoving rock, as the constant in the storm and the only one we can trust completely. He has shown us Himself as a friend. It has taken three months of intense and sometimes hellish times to realize that and to be in a place where instead of speaking the lingo or jumping from one high to the next, there is a deep seated reality that even in the valley, even if we run to the far sides of the sea and make our bed in the darkest night, He is there.

Most nights, that is all the Lord has said to me as I have wept and wept in His arms. Not some shallow empty words, but as I cried His name, He simply held me and repeated "I am here". Three words which made this fall ok. Three words that in the midst of not even feeling Him let along seeing straight, gave me the hope and the comfort to continue to cling. He does not go anywhere. It is not about 'ministry' or all of that stuff. It's just not. It's about, as we go, making disciples, getting His heart, seeing and hearing whatever He wants us to see and hear and being obedient. But above all, it is about being His friend, His beloved, just being with Him. Knowing that you are enough, that the natural overflow of a faith and love of Him in that context, is the delight in pleasing Him and helping Him and being in partnership with Him.

Let's leave the complicated deep theology, doctrine and paradigms to the more intellectual among us, those who minister in those areas and who the Lord has blessed with the gift to pick out the detail in His perfect order. But I do not want to be that person, cannot be that person. Maybe I believe too simplistically. That is ok with me. My faith comes down to the simple facts. Jesus died for me, He did everything He ever needed to do. His grace is sufficient and covers me and He wants to be my friend not my master. Everything is simply and purely out of an extravagance of love. What a delight! He shows me heaven and gives me words and visions because I am His friend, not because I have this great huge 'anointing' and 'ministry' etc. He loves to sit with me and point out people and give me His heart, not cos I have some huge burden and responsibility to carry, but because friends share everything together. I am His friend.

I do not know so much about the future, the reason for all that has gone before, this year or anything else. But what I do know, is that this next year is going to be ok. I don't know how quite yet, everything in me feels quite sick as I realize that it looks nothing like I had dreamed it would. But He has it. We can rely or put our hope and trust in no man. He is there. Just like He is here. That is my message, His message. That is all I have left.

Thank you God. Forever. Thank you.

2007-12-11T00:21:00.000Z

My Commitment as a Christian - [Found in the office of a young African pastor in Zimbabwe]

"I'm part of the fellowship of the unashamed. I have Holy Spirit power. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His. I won't look bacj, let up, slow down, back away or be still.

My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving and dwarfed goals.

I no longer need pre-eminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or popularity. I dont have to be right, first, tops, recognised, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, am uplifted by prayer and labor in power.

My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide reliable, my mission clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocraty.

I wont give up, shut up, let up, until I have stayed ip, stored up, prayed up, paid up, preached up for the cause of Christ, I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till he comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me; and when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognising me - my banner will be clear."

2007-11-24T05:54:00.000Z

It is almost 4am and I am bored out of my mind so I thought I would use this insomnia moment to write and try and at east summarize the last few months as best I can.

Mozambique changed my life and God blew me away this summer, He really did. I miss the tents and the cameon, my family, worship and Him being the center of conversation. I miss so much of it and yet it is slipping so quickly from my grasp. Like oiled hands clinging to a slick pole. I have to trust that anything that doesn’t stick at the point is better off gone anyway as I don’t want to be a superficial Christian and yet…I would not be honest if I said I never craved to be back where is was easier, simpler and natural. I miss he poor so badly, I miss preaching, I miss a different language, I miss simplicity. God IS the same here as He is there, but everything else isn’t; that is what is so excruciatingly hard.

I have barely spoken about HG. To be honest, very few really want to know. I don’t blame them, there is no reason why they should care that much. They all have different reasons but I know in their shoes I probably wouldn’t care that much either. Either way, Holy Given came and it went and my life was turned on its head completely and thoroughly. I re-read my journals and I can barely make sense of them, the whirlwind in which I live. God did so much and said so much and yet barely any of it makes anything other than abstract sense right now. So much of what He showed me and did I am sure pertains to my future and my calling. For now, however, I am left in the melee that is this place, a place that I do not fully know what to do with, how to act or who to be. Holy Given was a place where the walls were taken down, I was stripped back by the gentle Holy Spirit until all that was left was me and Jesus, things in the open, life as honest as it gets. I loved it there. The school was hard and the environment challenging, the best things didn’t even happen there, they happened in Nampula on our outreach extension. But either way, God showed up…no, I showed up, and it was clear and I could see and I understood and Colossians three was more than just possible.

The outreach extension was the most nuts trip of my life, I loved it so incredibly much and was gutted when I was so motion sick I had to leave after the tenth day and not stay will the 14^th. However, it was the right decision and I stick by it! We had the most beautiful team that bonded better than any other they have known. We travelled between 3 and 10 hours a day packed like squashed sardines in a cameon with all our stuff and the sound equipment and everything. There were days when it was an awesome adventure and we would pack in eagerly to get on the road with the wind in our hair, swinging from the poles that covered the truck and kept us in as Amis, our driver, would career down roads at 70mph flying clean over potholes and breaks in the road! We sang and laughed and joked and slept and were tight family. There were of course days when it was too much, when we were crushed and running out of water, needing to pee and desperate to rest. But it was part of it. In the days we would travel and pitch tent, our most favorite place being the chicken farm…oh sweet chicken farm…and then of an evening we would lead at least one if not more evangelistic outreaches in the local villages. I went to some but not others, as the spirit led. My best morning was the crazy village which we prayed over all night because of the horrible spirit we felt in the place. It was there I was asked to preach! With very little notice I sought the Lord for what He wanted me to say and with the new boldness He had given me when He set me on fire during the school, I preached from Jesus’ own sermon about our father giving us good gifts. They not only understood what He was saying but they reacted to it! I truly got my first understanding of what it would have truly been like when Jesus was preaching about sowing seeds, giving bread not snakes, fishing and harvesting. It is the language of the poor! These guys understood! In the west we live with so much and not having to do stuff for ourselves that when we read what Jesus says, we have to read it in abstraction, it makes no sense to us in the everyday because it is not our everyday. Instead, it can only ever be a metaphorical abstraction or illustration of a point. The beauty of telling His stories to these beautiful incredibly physically poor Africans, was that they got it. No interpretation needed. If that’s what He said, then that is what He meant. Most of the village came forward for the altar call that morning. It was mind blowing. If that is all I remember, if that is all I take with me….it will be enough. That morning changed my life.

However, we can never stay in those precious altar moments. Life, time and the Spirit continues to move and we must move with it or face being left behind, stuck in memories, missing and the things that have been.

Before I went to Mozambique, I gave up everything; my job, my possessions…most all of it. I am left with about 2 suitcases, 6 boxes and a car. Whilst still in Pemba, I became on staff for the next school before the current school had even come to a close! As a result, I was working 18 hours a day everyday which I loved but was intense. God gave me such an incredible grace to achieve such a job but as a result, time to be able to process the summer went out the window. My re-entry process was going from a plastic to a comfy chair continuing where I left off online straight off the plane! (although Jesus did bump me to first class!)

Back in England, I was thrust into a plethora of weddings, travelling up and down the country, visiting people and of course, a lot of admin. England is full of some of the most beautiful people to me and it was a wonderful time J

Following this….the autumn season brought with it a fair share of unexpected surprises and, as I write, I'm sitting in the redwood forests of Northern California trying to catch my breath!

This October, the Holy Given School of International Mission number 7 commenced in Pemba Mozambique. I continued to be a part of the administrative team for this school until it began on October 15th which was an extremely fulltime job! A few thousand emails and 108 accepted students later, however, it was well worth it! We are hearing report after report back from the school of Gods' abundant outpouring of love, healings and miracles with students lives being turned on their heads forever by the awesomeness of God.

Also in October, God miraculously provided the finance for me to travel to America for two months for the purposes of rest and retreat, with plenty of time to create some more paintings. I also planned to spend time training and preparing with my administrative director in Tennessee for the first Holy Given School of Mission to be held in England in 2008.

I arrived in Roswell in New Mexico, home of my best friend Joy, to begin my much anticipated Stay in America. During the first week of my trip, I was really looking forward to trekking on horseback in the mountains. As I'm sure many of you already know, my trek ended in a riding accident. My horse spooked and I was thrown off. I was knocked unconscious, fracturing my left shoulder and my right elbow. I praise God for His protection and faithfulness to me. I could so easily have sustained far more serious injuries. As it was I was covered in bruises with a concussion. I ended up in a splint on one arm and a sling on the other! However, the medical care I received was exceptional and my travel insurance covered all the bills. With both arms in slings I have been unable to do anything for myself, relying totally on my best friend Joy, who has taken care of me selflessly, helping me with everything every day and night for weeks! Praise God for friends who love us! With the splints off, the doctor gave me the all clear to travel so Joy and I are have travelled to California so we can both have some time out, seek the Lord and recuperate fully.

On the same weekend as my accident, the Holy Given England school was cancelled for this year. With that cancellation all that I was anticipating for 2008 has dissipated. As from January I do not know what is in store for me.

As a result this has been an interesting season for me. I am learning how to embrace God's timing and plans and continue to place mine on the altar. Learning to be still in enforced rest has been hard, especially whilst wondering what next year holds. But His ways are higher than mine. All I know is that I have given up all to follow Him and serve Him whatever it looks like tomorrow, I am His little jar of clay who just continues to say "Here I am Lord, send me!"

Joy and I fly to England together on December 19th to spend Christmas with my family. We are both seeking the Lord as to His perfect will for this next season and exactly where He would like us to be. I would appreciate your prayers during this time. It is sometimes easier to run full pelt busily pursuing ministry rather than sitting at Jesus feet and waiting for as long as it takes until He Himself says 'go' and opens the right door. The first is how I am wired in the natural but the second is the place of peace, of survival, of love and of joy. I therefore embrace this season of waiting eagerly anticipating all there is to come with a a deep gratitude to my Lord for taking the time to be with me and establish my foundations instead of just giving me another job to do.

And now?

Now…….you find me in Eureka, California on the eve (well the morning of) Thanksgiving! So much has happened here and I give glory to God for the breakthrough, grace and life lessons that He has taught us here, what a privilege to be children of God, not just given tasks but loved enough to be disciplined, taught and loved even in the midst of difficulty and crazy nuts circumstances!

We have been here for about two weeks and the time has flown by! It has been such a gift of a time, especially in the light of both of us recovering fully from the trauma that was my accident. I don’t even know what to blog at this point except that it is 3am (again), I can’t get on the internet cos the connection is being retarded, I went to sleep at 10am this morning and woke at 4am and am now very screwed up body clock-wise! I won an awesome game of Settlers of Catan this evening and hung out with Joy, Jen and John who are beautiful people of God oh my gosh I love them so much! Jennifer prayed with me and talked for hours upon hours last Sunday whilst Joy was with a friend of hers, and it was such an anointed and freeing time. Sometimes all we need is for someone else to look us in the eye and tell us that it is in fact just fine to feel as we do and to not be handling things as well as we think we should or, more to the point, as well as we feel other people expect us to be handling them.

I find it so frustrating that I do not often write less cryptically than this and just tell you what we have been doing so I will try…. We went to Ferndale where they shot the movie 'the Majestic' which is the most beautiful mountain town, had pizza and walked around there and the cemetery which was so beautiful. We have hung out around Eureka, me and Joy got coffee, we went on Tuesday night to Nexus which is this group of beautiful young adults who just love Jesus and His presence. We went to Arcata Assembly for church on Sunday where Nexus was held and then Joy hug with and friend of hers and had the most beautiful day and God time and I went home and bawled and prayed and talked and laughed with Jennifer and didn't get much done! We went to another church when we first got here (after being in San Diego where the fires were for a week with Jens mum Lou and Don) where the woman preached a sermon and said something accidentally about cereal being a stumbling block to our faith which cracked me and Joy up sooooo bad. Talking of which, a few weeks back we went to a Shane and Shane and Bebo Norman concert which was so anointed and needed and we both just wept but we also managed to clear an entire row of people from there! hahaha oops! We are so naughty :) Umm....I think that is the main news of this whole trip :) Obviously there is grumpy cat, day to day stuff, staying up all night reading journals and talking and being girls, going to sleep at 7am, hanging out, pumpkin cheesecake, two seasons of 'Heroes'...you get the point :)

Either way, what a gracious and loving God that He HAS met us here, He has come and brought a breakthrough that at many points has looked impossible. Yay Jesus!! I still have no idea what faces me after today, after tomorrow, after Christmas or new year. I know that Joy comes back to England with me which thrills my heart, that is for sure. However, I have been so consumed with helping her sort out her next year, I have almost deliberately not let it hit me yet that at least half of my next year won't be working with her. That is something that I need to look at but every time I try...*sigh* I just trust Jesus that He has something incredible for me to do. I have a roof and a bed at different houses and can pack up in an instant. Working without Joy will be weird and..well , many things, but God is so awesomely sovereign, its all good!!

I love that this blog sounds like it is heading towards a beautiful answer or conclusion and its painfully going to be left void of any such succinct tying up. The conclusion is merely that there isn't one, almost to the point of being as open ended as my life has ever been and looked. There are many many ways of looking at it, but in short, as long as God is on the throne, life is worth living, peace is for the keeping, joy is our strength, there is a strategy and this life is but a breath in the perspective of beautiful, glorious, wonderful eternity.

I say none of that lightly, trust me, these past few weeks and months have been incredibly hard and have pushed me so close to the edge, but God is victorious, whether we appear to be or feel like we are, or not! surely that truth alone is enough to be thankful for, for the rest of forever! So that is what I am going to do, whilst the rest of America is thankful for their independence and for their country, I choose to be thankful that God is on the throne, always has been and always will be. That truth is not determined, nor changed, by whether or not we believe or acknowledge it. And that God is God is God is God. Period. H-A-L-L-E-L-U-J-A-H. seriously.

2007-11-24T05:09:00.001Z

Sometimes you just have to journal, sometimes there is nothing that can even be articulated and yet...when all is said and done, you end up just having to write and write until your fingers stop and your mind is calm and you don't need to be distracted anymore.

So they are finally 'official'. What does that mean? and why does it bother me even a tiny bit? It shouldn't, but deep down I suppose the only thing that bothered me was the answer to the one question I barely wanted to ask him. Did that mean that God said yes? For so long I had at least the tiniest lingering hope that he wouldn't hear yes about anyone, not just me, just anyone, at least for a while. The idea, in fact, the knowing that "God said yes'" provokes such a variety of responses within me that this is as far as I can go in expressing what is going on inside my head..or maybe thats why, because all my responses currently aren't inside my head, they are in my heart.

Intriguing I'm sure. All I want now? All I want is for someone to comfort me, to come up to me when i least expect and to throw their arms around me, hug me, comfort me, choose to sit with me and make things better and ok. For me not to have to ask for a hug but for someone to be wired as I am or at the very least know me well enough to come and take me of guard and by surprise and hold me and hug me without me saying a word. He was the only one who did that and who got me like that. Maybe thats why I still miss him. I dont miss him anymore...i just miss that.

2007-07-17T18:21:00.001Z

Hey family!

I am in an internet cafe with my minutes running out so this will be short but i wanted to make sure an update of some kind got out this week because it is so important to me that you are all keep in the loop and updated with what is going on. I value your prayers and love almost more than anything and I pray that God would bless you a hundred fold for all you sow into my either spiritually or otherwise, i pray His favor and blessing upon you and cannot tel you how humbled I am by the amount of love and support I am being shown by you all. I love you my family.

Life continues as normal this week, the wedding last week was beautiful and wonderful! and this week has been more classes and wonderful times with the Lord working through many things and just worshipping and learning more about the incarnational love of Jesus Christ which is revolutionary stuff im tellin ya! the BIGGEST news however is that when I come home we are gonna have to have a CHOCOLATE PARTY! thats right God HEALED ME OF CHOCOLATE ALLERGY!!! I ate my first piece of chocolate this week in ELEVEN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh my gosh what happiness! It has been such a gracious thing and such a picture of how abundant God is that He would even heal me of something that I dont need to be healed of at all but in His love and goodness He pours out such abundant kindness and gifts to His children. How wonderful He is!

I will leave it there I think but please feel free to call or text or email me, i love to hear what is going on with you all! I am praying that God rocks your world this week and that you step out onto the water and I even challenge you to do one radical thing a day, He has given you permission! He has freed you! Love like you have never loved before, worship from a new place of intimacy, make time where there isnt time, read the bible in a way you have never read it before, let Him take you away and let him set a seal upon your heart like in Song of songs 8:6 He is jealous for ALLL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you, in Jesus always your sister and friend,

Claire

2007-07-08T04:17:00.000Z

Dear family,
As we leave June and head towards 7-7-07, we at Pemba joined with people worldwide with excitement and anticipation to see what God is going to do as people gather in such beautiful unity to seek His face, (see www.thecall.com). Here we are also anticipating on that day, the wedding of two long term missionaries. We are gonna invite everyone. The poor, the outcast, all that will come, thousands of them. Inviting them to a wedding feast on the beach. A real life parable. Glory to God how beautiful it will be. Thank you so much for your prayers, love and encouragement. I could not do this without you. I love and appreciate you so much.

There has been great great fruit here. We have been targets for witch doctors these past few weeks. But as we worship, adore the one which is altogether lovely, fear left and we truly knew that He who is in us is infinitely greater than he who is the world. (1 John 4:4) From the place of unity and worship, we declared God's Lordship and nightmares and the other things ceased and instead, students after students are having heavenly visions and experiences of the greatness of God.

So much I cannot articulate here. I long to tell you in person and see Holy Spirit wreck and transform you as He has me. To see God open you eyes and ears to see and hear Him, that you may KNOW HIM. O that is my hearts cry. O it is so hard to explain any of what is going on here. Last week a film crew finally left to return to Hollywood, we had to sign release forms and everything. So it appears I'm gonna be in a real bona-fide movie.

God i revealing to me so much about His heart and how He has asked us to walk and live. But most of all He miraculously continues to provide for me, love me and show me first hand the incredible beauty of the unseen realm as well as provide amazing opportunities. Sorry if that is cryptic. I pray that I get an opportunity to share with you in person when I return. There is so much the Lord wishes to impart to see the spread of His wild fire.

As for the day to day, Africa remains beautiful. The weather hot and the classes nuts. Oh and we got to cut off a witch doctors charm off of a baby the other day. Praise God! I am also the students on call nurse one day a week. I myself remain healthy and well and I thank you for praying. Glory to God that I am here, that He is opening my eyes, that He is far from through with England, that His glory is being revealed over the earth, that the Bible REALLY is true, that He loves us and has saved us forever and ever. Glory to God!

Be blessed my family. I love you.

Claire
--X--

2007-06-26T23:19:00.001Z

Hey family,

As I head into week four and the month marker I want to write a proper update. Pemba is such a beautiful place and have been blessed with perfect weather and running water at least once a week. Classes have been so challenging and God by His grace through His word has been pruning me back and asking me, as Jesus asked Peter, "Who do you say that I am?" (Mark 8:29)

A place like this such a different culture, need, and front-line spiritual warfare, challenges every facet of who we believe God to be. I have always professed His faithfulness, victory and Lordship out of my mouth, but as many sicknesses that have gone through the camp, people have been tormented by nightmares and fears, do I really believe Psalm 91 which says, that when I make Him my dwelling I need not be afraid and will be protected? Or Isaiah 41:10 that He holds me in His right hand? If He is truly in that place where word meets life, then our dependance on God is our reality. The answer to that question is that God is God, almighty, all loving, protecting, victorious. As we pray and press into His presence together, as a house and as a school, He is keeping me safe from sickness and bringing me peace in the night. Peter once said that He is, He is our beloved, who has loved us to the end and has washed our feet even in the face of our betrayal and sin. As my comfort zones are removed and rubber hits the road I am faced with total dependance on God. The question, "Is He really all the Bible says He is?" And glory to God, over and over again, I am watching with wonder as I realize that He is.........and so much more. "And on this rock I will build my church." (Matthew 16:18) On the undiluted, simple truth of the gospel. All religion and blind-spots taken away. Taking the Bible word for word. What would happen if this was the rock our churches? It is here. Last night I sat with hundreds of Mozambican pastors whose reality is healing, miracles, even raising people from the dead. I walked through the villages and called people to come to church as kids climbing up my arms and legs. I sit with my newly widowed friend, Rosa, and learn Makaua while learning Jesus' heart like in John 4 when He loved and respected the woman by the well.

Please pray as we are under spiritual attack, especially at night over the camp. But pray more for a further breaking of my heart and greater revelation of God's character and love. I love you all and pray you press deep into His word and let Him take you away and reveal Himself to you. I love you all so much. Feel free to email me and text me. Please also email me with specific questions because I never know what you would like to know. My next update can better include a Q & A.

In Jesus,
Your sister, friend and daughter,

Claire
chollywell@googlemail.com

Ps. Since writing this we have had the most phenomenal worship session ever and sung with thousands of angels and learned more and more what it really is to know God. Hallelujah, all of Your beautiful self, Jesus!

2007-06-17T00:18:00.000Z

Hey all,
Sorry it has taken me so long to send a personal update, but it has been so busy here. We have class from 8:30 to 4, home groups, church, outreaches and villiage projects. Not to mention homework and getting water from our well for out bucket baths.

Africa is so beautiful and we have been so blessed with concrete houses with comfort in the midst of such poverty. The children are beautiful. I am franticly learning Portuguese and having amusing conversations with my new Mozambican pastor friends. A few hundred pastors are at Bible school also, even though most are new Christians. Outreach was a amazing. We saw many headaches, stomaches and bad legs healed, villages come to Jesus. A paralyzed girl walked yesterday and many miracles continue to happen.

I am also one of the nurses for the students, so that has been fun. Thank you all so much for praying. The Lord in His mercy is keeping me so safe and well and continues to reveal more of His beautiful infinite character to me.

I miss you all my family and pray such a blessing. Joy will update you with stories for the time being. But please do text and call if you can. Thank you again.

In Jesus,
Claire
-X-

Please continue to check www.chollywell.com for more updates. If people are not on the mailing list and want to be please email me the address and I will be very happy to add them. Any further questions or would like to send a care package to Claire please let me know and I will send you that address. Be blessed in the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I love you all.

Joy (on behalf of Claire Hollywell)
joy.waide@gmail.com

2007-06-06T20:24:00.001Z

Hello everyone,

I wanted to give a quick update to you and let you know that Claire & I arrived at our planned destinations. I just spoke with Claire this morning and she wants to thank you for your prayers as she made it through customs with no problems. All of her luggage arrived with no problems and all was well. She is there and getting settled. Meeting all of her peers and getting to know each of her house mates. As she arrived she has been launched into school, going to classes from early in the morning to five in the evening. She had a blessed arrival when getting to meet up with two girls of whom she met the previous time she was in Mozambique. They welcomed her with open arms playing a song Claire taught them the year before.

Please pray for the following:
: Psalm 91
: Grace to relate to her peers
: Ability to absorb all the teaching and revelation

Thank you all ever so much. You have been such an encouragement to Claire and I both. Your support and prayers means a lot to us. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough. I will continue to update you on the great and wonderful things Daddy God is doing through my sis while on this amazing adventure! Feel free to email me as well. I look forward to hearing all that God is doing in your life.

In Him,
Joy (on behalf of Claire)

Keep checking www.chollywell.com as for more updates.

2007-06-02T13:56:00.000Z

Authority

As I sat down to write this talk about authority I looked forward to discovering the original meanings of the word “authority”, in divulging amazing revelation about what it means in contexts within the bible, looking at the authority of God, of Jesus, of us. I had decided to study about praying in Jesus’ name, casting out demons and performing many miracles. I had set the agenda by which I would talk, it was gonna be full of building up, power-filled, us conquering the world kinda stuff. It was going to be about authority.

I wrote five pages. God scrapped the lot.

He asked me very gently a question which changed this talk, changed it from my agenda to his. I am aware that it is therefore not the bog standard teaching on authority talk, but it is what I believe the Lord asked me study.

He asked me who was in authority over me.

Recently I have been struggling so hard with control or lack of it within my life. 21 is one of those pivotal ages whereby everything is changing, nothing is stable and life is turned upside down. Whereas before, I am one of those people who plans things a year in advance, now I do not even know the outcome of the day I sit in let alone where in the world – literally, I will be next year. All my life I have had control of situations, I have been able to ask the Lord his plans, and work through them myself. Until now. This past week he has taken me and removed every shred of authority and control I have had over my own life until I had nothing left. It is this he asked me to talk about.

For someone or something to have authority over you, it has power, command, control, strength and might. It determines what you do and when you do it, it sets out how you achieve things and what opportunities you will and will not have. What is in authority over us? I am aware that the instant response is that God is in authority over us and as we decide to give our lives to him, this is certainly true. However, I propose that there are three other things that can take that place, that can determine what we do, how we do it and therefore take the place of our dear Lord in controlling, determining and running our lives.

The first is timing. be it over money, our job, our situation, house, ministry or opportunities. 2 Peter 2:19 says “..a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.”. Are we slaves to our own time agendas?

I have personally struggled with this recently, jobs and house security causing great worry and stress. I can find myself saying “I know you can provide Lord, but I just don’t know it any more.” In saying that, what I was really saying to the Lord was “I believe in the concept of you, I also even believe that you exist and can do this. But I am terrified that your plans are gonna be different to mine and think you need a bit of help bringing about the promises you told me, into fruition.” All too many times have I found myself trying to “help” the Lord provide money, a job, a house etc. Only yesterday has this been a massive struggle and he reminded me of something that happened the summer before I came to university.

He knows far better than we ever do. At the end of the day, if he has planned the end, he will plan the means and if he hasn’t planned the end that you are heading for, then praise him when the means don’t appear so that you can be living in the fullness of the plans he has for you. The great, abundant and fulfilling promises and plans far beyond what you could ever comprehend or dream. I asked a question of the Lord, actually I was whining at him big time about something and he said “ok, have it your way”. Instantly I remembered all those situations when I have thought I knew best. I didn’t, I don’t. God knows me far better than I ever will and I know that whatever is his will, then that is the absolute best for me for who would ask his father for bread and be given a snake? How much more does our father in heaven love and provide for us? I have been reminded not to forget the past and to know that God knows what we need, clothes, food, all of it. Matthew 6 is famous for telling us the non-need of worrying. And yet we try and grab back control over all the things in our lives that we own, have and are trying to get.

The second thing that can have huge authority over our lives is other people and fear of man. I am constantly challenged by the thought, If we truly lived in the knowledge and the identity of children of God, if we truly lived as his bond servants alone. Then what the world said or did or thought would have no bearing on us whatsoever. It took me over a year to have the guts to kneel in church, why? I was terrified as to what people might think of me, maybe it was the wrong time, maybe they don’t do it like that here….who am I kneeling for again? People around us have the level of control over us that we give them. No more, no less. Its just that we so very often forget that.

Lastly, more than anyone else, I have realised the person with the most authority over my life up until recently was…me. Yeah I gave my life to Christ young and he directs everything I do and say…up to a point, it has always been comfortable and it has always involved plans I liked. That is until recently. What I realised was during a time of fasting which taught me oh so much…I remembered something that was said in a sermon a while back…

The analogy was of the Lord driving with us in a car…where would he be? Without thinking, I replied in my head, he would be in the passenger seat with me, The front one mind, where I can speak with him and he can direct me etc

It never even occurred to me he could be anywhere else in that image, it was great, we would natter and he would tell me where to go and what to do and I would drive us.

HOWEVER, what if he was to truly take the driving seat? I thought and thought about this concept and it started to terrify me. I’d have no idea where I was going, no control over speed or avoiding obstacles, I would be completely at his mercy and everything would be up to him.

I know that personally I know and think that He is always in the driving seat and directing everything fully. However, if I completely honest as the Lord has asked me to be… I also know that this isn’t true. He is in control up to the point where I let him be. He is in jurisdiction over stuff as long as it is in line with what I wanted in the first place.

We know that in Jesus we see the image of God and therefore strive to emulate his actions and morality within our own lives. Well, in John 5:30 Jesus himself states “..I have no desire to do what is pleasing to myself…but only the will and pleasure of the Father who sent me..”. The one person with infinite authority over heaven and earth, the ability to say and do anything beyond our comprehension and yet without the Father’s direct will, he would do nothing. The bible describes us as bond servants. These are servants who are bound to their master for (I think) 7 years. They have an earring hammered into their ear as a sign of their loyalty and their lives are lived purely to do whatever they can for the master. we are bond servants of Christ, we were crucified with him and therefore raised up with him into new lives completely controlled by him.

John 15: 4-8

“Dwell in me and I will dwell in you. Just as no branch can bear fruit by itself without abiding in (being VITALLY UNITED to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. Whoever lives in me and I in him, bears much abundant fruit. However, apart from me, you can do nothing…If you live in Me and My WORDS remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will and it shall be done for you. When you bear fruit, My Father is honoured and glorified and you show and prove yourselves to be true followers of mine.”

As I thought further about the car scenario, truly freaking out about the ramifications of letting God entirely lose on my plans, I was lead to one concrete conclusion …

If Jesus was in the drivers seat I would sit and face him, if I didn’t know where I was going I wouldn’t even watch. I would just enjoy the ride, I’d talk with him, giggle and sing car songs with him, every so often asking where we were going but delighting and laughing when he winked and said “it’s a surprise!”

Matt 16:24-26 [MSG] says

“…Anyone who intends to come with me HAS to let ME lead. You’re not in the drivers seat I AM...Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, My way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?…”

What has authority over us? What is it we are giving power in our lives?

As I prayed over this talk…seeing as it completely didn’t turn out how I’d planned, the Lord told me;

To receive God’s authority and power…we must let go of our own.

I have a million notes about the authority he has given us and that which we walk in, our inheritance form God, our co-heir identity with our beautiful saviour. But without first surrendering ourselves, dying to every fleshly bit of ourselves and abandoning ourselves to Gods authority, it cannot move through us effectively because we are not letting us.

“For even if I boast somewhat freely about the authority the Lord gave us for building up rather than pulling down, I will not be ashamed of it.” (2 Corinthians 10:8)

How afraid are we of letting go of plans and things? How ashamed are we of who we are in Christ around those people we see every day? How much do we boast in that which God has given us? God has challenged me very personally with this one.

This has been such a personal struggle and challenge that the Lord has asked me to share that I felt it appropriate to finish by sharing a journal entry from a while ago when I knew less than I did now, no idea as to the plans for the Lord, house, job, America, living, friends, husband, any of it.

Right now I am treading middle ground. I am lukewarm. Not in my love and praise, prayer or worship of my almighty king. But with my frivolous life. If He doesn’t exist, I am wasting so many hours preaching, praying, worshipping that I could be spending raising money to achieve what I wish to achieve in life, where I wish to go, doing what I want to do before it is too late. BUT If he is real, of which I am more than convinced, then this time I am spending striving, trying to figure it out, trying to formulate a plan, trying to be in control, trying to tell God where I want to visit and live…I am wasting my time. If I have truly heard the call of God on my life, if I truly meant what I said when I first told the Lord he could use me and that my life was ENTIRELY in his hands, then I must die to flesh. Actually, painfully, humbly, scarily, really (not just in our wonderful “spiritual imaginations/minds”) but in REALITY – die to my flesh and wait to see where he would send me.

Am I willing to broaden my horizons? Can I trust him in where he would send me? Can I truly stop becoming self focused and fix my eyes upon the beautiful face of the Lord?

I am surrendering control. Daily, hourly, minutely. I am consciously choosing to die to myself because I know with all my heart that He is worth far more than all of me.

2007-05-25T22:29:00.001Z

*humbled*

St. Franci of Assis (From "The New Mystics" by John Crowder")

To the shock of everyone, this wealthy son of Assisi voluntarily and quite joyfully chose a life of poverty, renouncing all his possessions. Francis had a romantic charm and beauty that inspired the very Renaissance. His playfulness and exuberance was unlike the stereotypical ascetic, shunning the world around them. He was knows as God’s juggler, as he was full of song and poetry. While he demonstrated simplicity and humility of Christ, Francis showed that it was all an outworking of an inner happiness, not religious misery. He was always moving his feet around and dancing because of a cheerfulness he could not seem to contain. Francis began hanging out at a dilapidated old church called San Damian.

Then one day, he heard the audible voice of God come from the crucifix hanging there, saying “Rebuild my Church.” Francis took this literally, and began begging for stones, which he hauled one at a time up the walls of the old building in back breaking labor. But God would use Francis for a much larger building campaign – the church... Crowds would bring Francis the sick for healing, and would throng him to cut off a piece of his tunic. He healed the blind. Tumors vanished when he prayed. He was once preaching in a small village and the whole congregation was so touched, the entire group asked to be admitted to the monastic order as one corporate body. Francis asked Rome if he could live by a written rule that was no more than the bare words of Jesus.

Pope once said to Thomas Aquinas, “Ah Thomas…the church can no longer say, "Silver and gold have I none."

"That is true, your holiness," replied Aquinas but then neither can it now say, "Arise and walk,"

The church had secular and material power but no spiritual authority. (p. 97)

2007-05-25T22:11:00.000Z

This summer I go to Holy given school of missions in Pemba, Mozambique (www.irismin.com/hgschool) actually, i leave next week!

But unlike some who are packing for a three month stint, I have moved out of my house but not moving to anywhere else and therefore have spent this past week packing everything I own, discovering i have hardly any storage anywhere and therefore having to throw so incredibly much of it away.

It is intriguing because I was so sure that material possessions held no value to me any more, if someone wandered in and was like "oo i like that" i would not think twice to say "take it, its yours" and just give it to them. My levels of sentimentality, by the grace of God and taught through 10 house moves in one year, have been drastically reduced. And yet i discovered this week that i still noticed the cost, it still cost me something to give away my clothes, things bought at certain times or by certain people, stuff i have collected or used or 'needed'. I have discovered that I valued far more than I thought and that in allowing others to just take it without knowin the value, I have had to truly understand that I either love the things that will perish, or that which is eternal. I cannot have both to the degree which I wanted. If I want to see kingdom break forth and to be able to drop all and go anywhere, I need to first evaluate how tightly I hold onto 'stuff' whatever that may be. This is merely my calling and everyone's is different and I have also learned how much Go does not require or desire we live in poverty or with a poverty mindset, He loves to show His abundance and provide for us, to watch us enjoy that which He provides and give us good gifts. But if I confess with my mouth to being willing to give up all, sell and give the money to the poor and be 'girded up' to go wherever and whenever He says go, then I have to live it out.

Therefore my conclusion today has been this; It is okay to be a reluctant missionary ;) there is such an abundance of grace as we begin to walk and try and do what He is asking us to do and what is planted so firmly in my heart, we dont have to be able to do everything all at once, learning is allowed! Giving things away and throwing things away was hard, my stuff is my history, representative of the place from which I have come and yet...

..I discover that infact, this is not really about the stuff at all, it is about commitment. In doing this, there is no turning back. I stand on the waves, back to the boat and I begin to take my baby steps into that which is going to be the rest of my life. This summer, this week in fact, is my commitment to the Lord that I have always professed with my lips, finally demonstrated in my actions. I am good at speaking and scribing, explaining and justifying, but to walk this out, to show God by my actions that I truly do trust Him to be my Jehovah Jireh, I am walking...

...and my reluctance begins to turn to a twinkling eyed resolute.

Bring on Mozambique...and the breaking forth of heaven on earth :)

2007-04-24T21:53:00.000Z

Only yesterday I posted a blog in response to a comment a wise friend of mine posed;

“Spiritual maturity is not judged by what we do, but by our hearts response to mistreatment”

It has stuck with me since then and during today which has to be said, was one of the hardest days this week yet. I have been so frustrated at myself, not eating, lying awake, sleeping all day, unable to escape from my thoughts, my emotions, hurt and pain and anxiety. I have not been like this in so long, I hated that the old me appeared to be back again. I was and am so tired. And yet tonight something broke, it is as if I finally have the answer to where I am at right now. What is my hearts response? Not what am I gonna do or how am I gonna do it, but what am I going to choose my heart response to be?

God is Faithful.

It was tonight I gained further revelation of Gods beautiful, overwhelming faithfulness. In the midst of it all He has been faithful, He does not change, He is I AM, He is the same yesterday and today and tomorrow and next week. I was so dumb struck, so overwhelmed, so broken by the fact that HE never changes and that HIS FAITHFULNESS is not dependant upon OUR EMOTION or on us period. I was reminded His response to Moses and it made me chuckle.

“So now go. I am sending you…”

“Who am I that I should go?”

And God said? …. “I will be with you” – Ex 3:10-12

What a beautiful expression of our humanness and God Godliness. God sent Moses just like He has and is sending me. Moses saw His inability, His insecurities surfaced and all of a sudden He became not only insecure and fearful and anxious but also in need of personal affirmation. Did God give Him either? In a way yes He did, but what God said was not “You are great, I made you for the job, you have a wonderful speaking voice” or “don’t question my judgement just get out there and do it” or any other variation. In fact, the wonderful aspect of this passage is that God does not address Moses’ ability or person at all. Who is He that He should go? God just replies that He will be with Him.

We are nobody, we are unable, our security cannot be in ourselves and we cannot be driven by emotion or the need for someone to affirm us so that we can walk the next step. Our security, our bedrock can only be on the very character of God. Tonight my flesh response is still all over the place but I pause, I realize that I have a choice as to how my heart responds. I look into the eyes of my saviour and I am flooded with grace and I choose how I wish to respond.

My God is Faithful. He never changes. His love is not conditional nor dependant upon where I am at or even how I treat Him. He will not and does not reject me nor hate me nor love me less nor get irritated with me. He loves with an undying love, He pours out His grace immeasurably. My God is unchanging.

My God is a Faithful God.

Period.

2007-04-23T14:57:00.000Z

A observation posted by a beautiful friend of mine...

"Spiritual maturity is not measured in how much we do, but by the heart's response to mistreatment."

ouch.

part of me wants to write reams of essays on that and unpack it. the other part wants to not touch it, not at all.

the latter has won.

laters x

2007-04-19T10:54:00.000Z

I will never be the same again
I will can never return
I've closed the door.
I will walk the path,
I'll run the race and I will never be the same again

No I will never be the same again
Burn like fire fall like rain
Flow like mighty waters again and again,
sweep away the darkness burn away the chafe
and let a flame burn to glorify YOUR NAME...

Burn like fire fall like rain
flow like mighty waters again and again,
sweep away the darkness burn away the chafe
and let a flame burn to glorify your name....

There are higher heights-

There are deeper deeps...
(*so*)
Whatever you need to do, Lord, do in me.
The GLORY of God FILLS my life,
and

I will NEVER be the same again

no,

I will NEVER be the same again.

2007-04-17T22:46:00.000Z

[First off i apologize for not blogging much as of late, art has kind of taken all my journaling and put it onto canvas, but I will try and come back on here as much as I am able. God is doing so much that I am not currently articulating that if you want information as to what i am actually doing in life, you will have to talk to me face to face :) but in the meantime i will continue to explore what He calls me to explore on here and to lay down t His feet...the only thing I can do]

“So all of my hopes and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in your hands
So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust you now
Oh what more can I do?
Cos everything I am depends on you
And if the sun don’t come back up
You know your love would be enough
I’m gonna let it be
I’m gonna let it go
I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna lay it down.” - Jaci Velasquez

Daddy that is where I begin. Laying into your hands everything that has been bugging me today, upsetting me, making me wonder, doubt, question, ponder. Daddy I lay it all down and I just continue to praise, to worship, to adore, oh daddy I wanna be even more in your heart, I wanna be back on your lap again, it has been too long since me and you just cuddled. I miss that, I have loved worshipping with paint. I wanna stay here! I wanna move in deeper into you! I love you with everything in me! I am so addicted to you! So consumed!

I lay down before you therefore the stuff that is bothering me right now. Daddy I give it to you, I don’t want it anymore, I like it when you hold all this stuff, I like it the most because it means I don’t hold it, you tuck it away in your heart safely and then we just carry on as normal, me and you, loving on each other. Daddy I love it this way the best. Please help me to give it to you quicker and easier than I do and not fall into the trap where I think that somehow I can sort it if I keep hold of it.

Thankyou so much for my job btw! I am loving that today I met a guy who is best mates with Abi’s brother today and an awesome Christian! I love that so many people are considering buying my stuff and there has just been so much favor there AND I have been able to do all my art work at the same time!

So what do you want me to write this evening? What do you wish me to ponder? I would love to go back to psalm 73 and explore once again the transformation that occurs when we enter the sanctuary of the Lord, but instead I look for the fresh bread, the word for today, daddy what is it you taught me today?

You taught me that your grace is sufficient.

Where my grace is not, where my love fails me, where my understanding grinds to a halt, where my feelings and emotions draw from circumstance and perception….YOUR grace is sufficient. Enough. Plenty. All I need. Adequate. Ample. Satisfactory. Sufficient.

God you just blow me away. Over and over again. The fact that not only do you know my infallibility and my human weakness, but you allow me to draw from you all the time, non stop, I am so needy, I am so in need of you, always hungry, always thirsty, always desperate, always completely unable, as weak and dependant as a newborn and yet you let me draw from you until it is sufficient, until you have sorted it. You know that my grace is not sufficient, that I fall, that I don’t understand, that I feel hurt or confused or scared and worried about the future You know all of that but instead of making mine enough, instead of demanding that somehow I step up to a mark…You just says You are sufficient. Oh God. I am not worthy of such grace. You are my everything, when you are in me and pour through me like you are doing right now, the breath of your nostrils on my head, your chest rising lifting me slowly up and down….I am filled with grace and love again and I see how you see. I see that somehow it is going to be ok. I see that whatever the outcome, me and you are still ok and can still come here one on one. I can see the lessons I am learning about depending on you, I can see that I cant see all of it and however much I want to think I know everything about something or someone, I don’t. not even slightly. All I know is what you tell me. Only you are sufficient for me.

Ahhhhh that’s better. Thankyou daddy. I still have residue feelings in the pit of my stomach but I know you can get rid of them in a heartbeat and that at the end of the day, what I feel and perceive doesn’t in fact mean much at all. It is inconsequential. You are everything

You are everything
You are everything.

And you look at me and I hear you sing…

“You’re my beloved
You’re my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love
Under my mercy come and wait
Til we are standing face to face
I see no stain on you my child.
You’re beautiful to me
So beautiful to me
I sing over you my song of peace
Cast all your cares down at my feet
Come and find your rest in me.
I’ll breathe my life inside of you
I’ll bear you up on eagles wings
And hide you in the shadow of my strength
I’ll take you to my quiet waters
I’ll restore your soul
Come rest in me and be made whole.
You’re my beloved
You’re my bride
To sing over you is my delight
Come away with me my love” - Kari Jobe

That is enough

You are enough

Your grace is sufficient for me…

...for always.

amen

2007-04-05T22:52:00.000Z

Isn’t it incredible how much offense can eat away at our very being? How embarrassing to even admit that it is there, that some residue of pride still remains within our bones, within our psyche that drives an invisible rod between ourselves and those we love. Why? How could it do such a thing? Because offense momentarily closes our ears to dad and plants a tiny doubt that opens our ears to the lies of the accuser. If we choose to be offended, choose to be upset, we will begin to listen to and believe that which the enemy tells us in careful repeated lies about that person. All of a sudden the truths of who dad is and who we are fade away and we cannot quite grasp or recollect them and in the same instance, we find ourselves curiously wondering whether there could be some substantiation in what devil has been trying to tell us after all.

If we choose to take offense and allow our flesh to rule even for the tiniest of seconds….well it’s the same thing as rebelling against this whole bond servant thing isn’t it? Do I have a right to anything? Therefore does offense by natural consequence of that sentence even exist in my vocabulary? No. by definition, if one does not have a right to anything, one cannot be offended by the lack of it.

Today I allowed my hormonal, emotion-ridden brain to, for a split second, be consumed not with His truth and what I know within my heart, but with what I saw, perceived and most annoyingly, old demons from so many years ago you would have thought they would have just faded away. But no, what do I discover? They are still there, the wounds still deep. Daddy would you come and not only put your salve, but heal completely those areas that still sting and burn from the pain of old. Daddy it hurt then and today I have discovered it still hurts now.

Maybe this blog is redundant, in fact I almost know it is and yet seeing as I have not written in so so long, I will continue to write and get it out, if only to scribe once more and fill the void that is my brain brimming with unspoken, unpainted thoughts, visions and dreams.

Isn’t it interesting how we project old stuff onto new situations? Today, for example, actually had hardly nething to do with the individual it concerned, I love her and in our relationship, there is a grace that covers all things. So then what was today about?

When God brings up old stuff, it is so often because He wished to dig out the roots, to consume every part of everything, it is intriguing that we do not let him do this work immediately and without question, why would we ever want to hold onto hurt and pain? …unless they are part of that which has for so long identified us. What if…what if instead of reacting with hurt and “this happened before so it will happen again” inevitability and insecurity, we do not move, we do not move, we do not move until Dad comes and pours Himself into us to give us the grace to love as He loves, to put the past behind us and walk out with heads held high, in a new found confidence. I do not want to any longer live upon the past of rejection, bullying and hurt, I especially refuse to live in a place of inevitability. No longer! No longer! Thus far and no further!

Therefore today is a new day. Even now, Daddy I ask you simply to come and consume the chaff, this chaff. Consume the last dregs of the stuff I didn’t even know still existed so that I would manifest in my actions, words and attitudes that which my heart feels, a deep love and grace determined by You and not by my own emotion.

Oh Dad you are so so good. I praise you for all of this. I am sorry for today. I praise you that you have brought breakthrough from such a cruddy emotional flesh day, thankyou that there has not been one day this week you have not moved nad broken through and taken things to new levels! Oh Dad would I not take any of this for granted, walking naturally supernatural, new perspectives, oh daddy forgive me for how I have been today, transform me permanently daddy! I wanna be consumed! I wanna be consumed! I wanna be consumed! Oh God consume me! Consume me! Take me back to heaven! Open my natural eyes to see your glory and your angels and your FACE! Oh Jesus I wanna see into you\r eyes, I wanna see your face, oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jesus how beautiful you are and yet you call me beautiful. I am nothing and yet you call me beloved. Oh I am so undone by you even when I think about looking into your eyes. I am undone to an intensity which scares me and yet there is no fear in it, its just overwhelmingly intense. I will not run anymore. I cannot survive without you, I am miserable without you. Oh God search me and find any wicked way in me, have mercy! Forgive me! And transform me for your purposes. I lay everything down. I lay it down and I just love on you again. I love on you again. I want to shine daddy, please may you make me shine? Daddy. I love you. So so much, I love you. I love you. Oh I can never express it but that is all I have. I love you. I am yours. Amen x

2007-03-29T18:29:00.000Z

Oh golly.

Things are moving, things are shifting. We are coming towards the end of Lent and God is doing a work in so many, there is an outpouring of His Spirit which hitting so many I have been speaking to and I urge you from the depths of my heart to get hungry!!!!

Get hungry! get hungry! there are things that the Lord Himself wants to pour out to you, to download into your spirits, from the throne room of heaven. This is a time of breakthrough and of revelation, He wants to clarify and simplify that which has been so complicated. As we walk into the time of remembering His beautiful son's death and resurrection, may it bring back the simplicity and unity by which we live, we are saved from certain death, we have been shown mercy, we are no longer our own but desire, hunger and are compelled to worship, to thank, to adore the one who held nothig back to gain us. He held nothing back, oh glorious savior, and He wishes to hold nothing back from you today from what He wishes to tell you

Ask Him! this is a season of asking, a season of Ask and He WILL answer you, press into His presence, press into His very heart and hear it beat, feel its rhythm, become consumed once again in the kowledge of God, in the intimacy of His presence, cheek to cheek communion with the one who sits on the throne.

Oh I urge you with everything within me, get hungry, dont settle, get hungry, let Him light the fire, get hungry, get desperate, get needy, throw off all that fetters, throw off complacency and apathy, oh beloved, get hungry.

2007-03-04T16:13:00.000Z

Although I am in the centre of such awesome celebration at the moment and so consumed with great joy at being where I am, God continues to work in and through me, praise Him. Today He showed me through something oh so tiny that there is another root that He wants to take out completely that I might walk even more free, even more with Him shining through me.

As long as I am relying in any way shape or form on people to satisfy or meet any expectations in me either emotionally, circumstantially or even keeping their word, I will live disappointed. Is that not the life I say I rejected when I became a bondservant? Is that not something that I said instantly gets put to death when one realizes that all life is grace given? Then surely I need greater revelation of grace, greater understanding of who God is and that not only will He never disappoint, but freely I have received, oh how freely therefore must I give! Only the other did I write a blog about the greatest act of worship being laying our crowns, our pride, our whole selves at the feet of Jesus and how I wanted more opportunity to do so in the worship of surrender. Now I understand that forgiveness and the laying down of disappointment are two of the most intense and incredible manifestations of the worship of surrender. To decide to forgive and show grace as He showed us, living waters flowing through us! I lay down disappointment as I stand here on the stormy sea.

I have got out of the boat and there is no way for me to get back in, if I take my eyes of Him for a second in whatever direction, I will drown. The only thing that can be done now is to begin to learn how to walk on the water, begin to learn trust and expectation and faith to a whole new level. It is to remove any and all dependence not only on those in the boat, but even on my physical ability to achieve my goal. When He has you walk this walk, it involves laying down it all. And so I lay it down God, I lay down my disappointment, I lay down my resentment, I lay down my love, I lay down my life, I am sorry for wrong attitudes and heart, I am sorry for considering looking for the boat. I am here, I stand on the waves and I look into your beautiful eyes. Oh Jesus, I know that you will never leave me nor let me down. Oh Jesus, that is enough. Let that always be enough.

Psalm 66

8 Praise our God, O peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;

9 he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.

10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.

11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.

12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance.

13 I will come to your temple with burnt offerings
and fulfill my vows to you-

14 vows my lips promised and my mouth spoke
when I was in trouble.

2007-03-03T21:44:00.000Z

Today is a day of promises a day of showing how God can take us into the 'mountain of myrhh' and teach us greatness there by teaching us our inability and true humility in the face of persecution and injustice and then He shows us how He can vindicate us, how He can lead us out into good land, how we can know that He is God. We are not overcome, we are not bound we are free and we are under Him and Him alone!!

God thankyou that my Esther year was at BUPA. thankyou that you have broken me there, humbled me, killed me and given me such a deeper prayer life and dependance on you. Oh God bless your name for putting me in that place under those people, bless them for all they have taught me and vindicate me that they would not treat others who do not have you like that, oh God protect those who are still there.

Daddy thankyou for those who are so precious to me there, continue to capture their hearts, may I be salt in their mouths, a lasting taste, oh God may they have seen something of oyu, forgive my humaness and my failure. Oh God I love you!!

I celebrate because I am in the middle of the unknown and my dependance is on you! what a great privelidge! what a immense and incredible priveldige to be loved by you enough to be considered worthy of losing everything, of being put in trial after trial, oh God i say it without a hint of any insincereity on my voice, never have I meant this as much as right now! I trust you so much, in the midst of the hard in the midst of the wonderful in the midst of the unknown....I trust you and I love you!!! nothing can ever take away your love form me and mine from you, OH God you have captured my heart, I am yours!!!!!

Jesus Jesus Jesus thankyou for today, oh I dance and celebrate, I sing of your cross, i cast down my crown, I lay at your feet, i give it all to you, over and over I love worshipping you with everything, nothing else is like it, what more glorious a thing to be doing than spending all of eternity casting my entire self at your feet, take more! Give away more of my things! provide supernaturally so that I might just give it back to you and bless others, oh Jesus teach me how to be more like your sweet self!

Glory glory glory to the lamb who sits on the throne, glory and honor and wisdom and power and thanks for ever and ever and ever. Oh Lord how glorious you are!!!!!

During this job God gave me the chapter Psalm 31, today He gave me psalm 66, oh GOd you have done it! You have vindicated me! you have pulled me through! How glorious you are! I will praise you till I hurt and then praise you some more, take my flesh too!!!! I give you my time, I give it all to you, I want to be like the elders worshipping at your feet, I want to be like Jesus, serving the poor and the desperate, I want to be like you, so gracious and kind and faithful and so consumed with love that defies logic, oh that I would defy logic! hahahahahahaha God without you I am nothing but with you, you shining through me, pouring through me, shake the world!!!!!!!!

Oh, I wish I could just import you into this feeling, i love it! I feel like im worshipping in the very courts of heaven my praise is so consuming!!!

"Jesus is all I need
Jesus is all I need!
Jesus is all I need!
Jesus is all I need!!!"

2007-03-01T21:08:00.000Z

Rev 4:9-11

“Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne, and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They cast their crowns before the throne and say:
"You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being."

"At a distance, I could feel the vibrations of the rolling of the crowns, the casting of the crowns down. They cast them down in awesome agony. They don't throw them down or set them down but with all of their might they cast down their crowns as if to throw all, as if to throw EVERY BIT of themselves before this One so Holy. And I saw that those who are closest to the Lord, in the very court of heaven, spend their time falling down. And they never get weary, they just keep bowing low, falling down and gazing at this One, sitting upon the throne.” - Julie Meyer “Vision”

So they cast their crowns, not just their earthly crowns but their heavenly crowns, they cast everything that they have ever rightly earned, ever been given, ever been blessed with, ever had or will have, their relationships, families, things, places and even their seats and crowns in heaven, ALL that they have, they cast them at the feet of the one who sits on the throne and they hit the deck. The elders understand true worship. They understand what it looks like to worship in spirit and in truth. They understand that it is all yours, that the most beautiful form of worship in heaven or on earth is total self sacrifice. SURRENDER. There is nothing more beautiful than for us, totally consumed with a love for the One who loves us, more than anything else including that which He does for us or gives us, nothing more beautiful than for us to cast the rest at His feet in recognition that we have no right to anything and that WE WORSHIP SIMPLY BECAUSE HE IS WORTHY.

And what do we discover? That as Jesus said, whatever we surrender and walk away from for His sake, we will receive the hundredfold blessing here on earth before we even reach heaven! But God I have just said I wanna give it all to you,…more?! I receive all you give me and now with my hundred and one I cast down again everything at your feet and worship You simply because you are worthy. And what do I discover? For every one of the hundred I laid down there is a hundred fold blessing!!!!

If we do neither stifle the gifts and blessings and favor nor hesitate to cast them all down in extravagant all consuming worship of Him out of passionate love that overcomes all else, we truly discover streams of living water, clean living water, flowing through us. If we will receive and worship, total humility, our eyes fixed upon Him, constantly casting ourselves before His throne every second of everyday as they do in heaven, glorifying and magnifying His holy name, then we will be so full of living water flowing through us that we will overflow, impact those around us, we will be a faucet not a vessel. “Who worships a tap anyway?” (-Duncan Smith) Lets be people who understand that it is not the vine that receives the sap but the fruit! Lets be a people who understand that the poor in spirit, the needy, the outcast, destitute and broken, as well as those who do not even realize they are hungry, will taste and see that God is good when they are around a soul that is totally consumed with His goodness and His love. Oh what a consumption that is! What divine glorious overwhelming love! I understand true worship! I am beginning to understand! God I worship you in spirit and truth! I cast down my crown on earth, in heaven, everything I have is yours, everything I own, everyone I love, every piece of ministry, every miracle, every bit of money, every bit of my flesh, I have no rights! I cast it all at your feet and instead I just praise you in spirit and truth, I give you all that is left – my spirit, and I declare the truth of your word, of your character of your nature. Glory and honor and power to You!!!!

Oh and me and Abi wrote a song which I LOVE :

“I’m casting my crown

And I lay me down before you

Here on my face

Surrendering everything thought of me

Singing glory and honor and power

To you Lord

Singing glory and honor and power

To you Lord

Glory and honor and power

To you…

Simply because

You are worthy x 5”

(Copyright C.Hollywell)

Not to mention the random guy I ended up skyping with this morning! I will put excerpts of the convo here cos it blew me away, not to mention the fact that God showed me him through Gods eyes and I loved him so much and I realized that this is what I live for! To see souls saved! People redeemed and restored! nations and people realizing who God is and how real He is and that He is chasing them, pursuing them as a lover pursues his bride. Oh how I love watching that undiluted truth of the radical and incredible nature of His love which we find so unbelievable and far fetched, hitting the hearts of those who are so lonely and desperate. GOD COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-01T20:10:00.000Z

Awaken whats inside of me
tune my heart to what you are in me
even though you're here,
God come

May the vision of you be the death of me

And even though you've given everything
Jesus come

- Shane and Shane

2007-03-01T00:48:00.000Z

(This is a combined blog between me and my spiritual twin of revelation that the Lord brought the other morning.)

There is so much more in here, I love it, I love Him, I am so captivated by Him right now, so overcome, oh God would this stuff transform every single breath we take, God it feels like something wants to pour out my mouth in a shout or a song, your Holy Spirit is welling up, show us how to express you, how to express your love.

As Mother Teresa said:

The work we do is nothing more than a means of transforming our love for Christ into something concrete. I didn’t have to find Jesus. Jesus found me and chose me. A strong vocation is based on being possessed by Christ. He is the life I want to live. He is the light that I want to radiate. He is the Love with which I want to love. He is the Joy that I want to share. He is the peace that I want to sow. Jesus is everything to me. Without Him, I can do nothing”

Anyways…

“So far we do everything to please the soul and the body. When we are hungry, we stop everything and go eat. When we are thirsty, we immediately go and get something to satisfy. Why aren't we that quick to satisfy the hunger of our spirit? Why don't I think of my spirit first and prefer it to the needs and desires of the flesh?”

“In taking that literally, one would be scared out of their mind of not following every single tiny morsel that fell out of God's mouth. Why is it a difficult thing to do, bring the flesh under submission of the spirit?

1 John 2:12-17 "I am writing to you, my dear children, because your sins have been forgiven because of Jesus. I am writing to you who are mature because you know Christ, the one who is from the beginning. I am writing to you who are young because you have won your battle with Satan. I have written to you, children, because you have known the Father. I have written to you who are mature because you know Christ, the one who is from the beginning. I have written to you who are young because you are strong with God's word living in your hearts, and you have won your battle with Satan. Stop loving this evil world and all that it offers you, for when you love the world you show that you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only lust for physical pleasure, the lust for everything we see, and the pride in our possessions. (KJV: The lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.) These are not from the Father. They are from this evil world. And this world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of God, you will live forever. “

Reading the above in part almost makes e more terrified than reading the judges passage purely because John is right, we have seen and we know God in a way that they did not, the passage above talks of relationship, talks of intimacy and love wheras before it was about the laws and commands of God. We are so covered, smothered in a grace we cannot understand, mercies which are new every morening which mena we are not nder condemnation or driven by legalism and yet have caued us to take for granted that which we have a treat our greatest love in such a taking for granted hurtful way. OH God oh God. Im sorry.

Galatians 5:16-26 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh, and these are contrary the one to another; so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law.

“Why is it that while there is so much grace and kindness being extended to me right now in the area of spending time with God, I am seemingly squandering it away?”

spot on

And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another. (NLT: Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there

Oh my gosh. oh sweet sweet Jesus, what do we do to the power of the cross when we devoid it of meaning by our compromised actions? You went to your very death for us to make it as nothing by using, abusing and taking for granted the grace and love beyond our understanding that it demonstrated and put into power. Oh JEsus, give us a sober realisatio of this that we might walk differently, you are my love, my beloved, the complete rapture of my heart and yet I treat you like such muck. Jesus I do not sit under self hating condemnation, i sit looking into your eyes on that cross and I cry 'change me', make me new, make me realise, that THIS would be the damascus road I see which changes me forever and pushes me Into the world, disregarding everything else but my adoring love for you to make you known and to live dead to all of this crud. Oh JEsus sweet sweet Jesus.

"Christ's teachings surpasses that of all the saints, and whoever has His spirit will find in His teaching hidden manna. but it happens that many are little affected, even after a frequent hearing of His Gospel. This is because they do not have the spirit of Christ. If you want to understand Christ's works and relish them fully, you must strive to conform your entire life to His." - Thomas A Kempis

And there Is the kick In the chest, the revelation, the midblowing truth, GOd how does that look?! what do you want me to do, to be, to say, how do you want me to live?! Teach me more of your word of your precepts oh God I do not wanna miss your manna because I am not totally conformed to you, oh God, make me more like Jesus, make every word I read of your Word hit me with power and revelation,may there be no complacency and apathy as we read your word, oh God forgive us for the numb areas caused by growing up in the church and your word, God reawaken the wonder and the newness and treausre of the words you speak, what you have done, how you see us, how you ask us to live, WHO YOU ARE

"Do you yet know me?"

Oh a question that has been ringing round and round and round my head for days and weeks now. I don’t, oh God I want to and yet i still don't, if I did know you I would not look like I do. I fi did know you I would be so differetn, i woud look different sound differnet walk differently, heck id even smell different, i know i would God I want to know you, really know you, that I may be transformed into your likeness and see the glory o fGOd resting upon the earth in a way and scale noone has even seen before, God, I want to truly be a laid down lover of yours, everything, take everything.

I would rather experience repentance in my soul than know how to define it." Thomas A Kempis

Amen and amen

"He who has a pure, simple and constant spirit is not distracted by the many thigns he does, because he does all for the honor of God and endeavors to remain inwardly free of all seeking of himself. What greater hindrance or annoyance is there than our heart's uncontrolled passions?

The good devout person first inwardly plans the words that he will outwardly do, and does not allow himself to be drawn by any unworthy inclination, but on the contrary, he accomplishes these works in accordance with the dictates of right reason." Thomas A Kempis

And yet how, without actually becoming a monk up a mountain, do we achieve this? How does this look whilst living in the world and impacting the world? Where is the balance? How do we find this God?

OH what a day. I left that entry halfway through feeling totally convicted and yet with no idea how to walk what I wrote, what I cried out for and then I began to understand. It is slowly slowly but so much of today I have been completely overwhelmed with love. I am not talking sentimentality, I am talking overwhelming love, I am talking loving onpatients, seeing their value, it mattering to me their emotions how they feel what happens to them, a love for people that rises up inside me when injustice comes, a love that means I lay down myself for others, a love that is budding slowly as a flower just like I asked Jesus for. As I lay down my food until it is simply functional in nature, as I lay down my sleep, as I give up all these things and just focus on Him as much as I can and gain greater revelation of grace and no condemnation when I fall plus a holy fear of the Lord that comes from all of the above stuff from this morning…man I hate that I cannot truly articulate what I feel except that it is not a manic high or a manic low as I spend most of my time, it is a deep sustained overwhelming, unable to quench love.

As I was writing that, this chorus came on:

“This is love, real love

This is love real love

This is love

Oh that she would be with me

This is love real love

This is love, true love

The Son of man, the Son of God,

Bleeding on a tree…

…oh the terrifying beauty of the cross

The terrifying wisdom of the cross

only love could ever entice me…"

The other day I was cleaning up a gentleman who I love so incredibly much who has had a stroke and is now unable to speak well or eat and just wept and wept. I loved on him so much until now I walk in and we laugh and laugh, oh thankyou Jesus. I was singing this song to myself as I walked in a found that he had had explosive diarrhea all over the bathroom due the antibiotics we had him on and he just stood there, covered in it, weeping. I stood there, almost retching and Jesus jst stood with me and I loved on this guy, I loved him so much it didn’t matter anymore. I got him comfortable and then went back into his bathroom instead of getting the cleaners cos I knew he was so embarrassed and he trusted me and I cleaned the whole thing by hand whilst humming the riff “This is love, real love”. I am starting to get it.Oh Jesus how beautiful are you, it is only the tiniest bit of what you did and yet it makes so much sense. So beautiful, so terrifying but so beautiful. Oh Jesus.

“I’ve got so much to lose if Im gonna try to prove myself

But you say

I Breathe deep

Cos it brings you pleasure

Il live, il live only cos your alive

I Breathe I breathe cos it brings you pleasure

I live, I live only cos your alive

I will love you, oh through the pain, til only love remains

I am your, oh Jesus I am yours

I will love you, oh through the pain, til only love remains

I am your, oh Jesus I am yours”

- He bled (Corey Russell album)

I am gonna stop trying to prove stuff to you God. My decision this lent is to live by that last line. I am going to love like Mother Teresa taught us to love. To love through the pain til only love remains.

Jesus, I wanna give you more, but what I have is yours. Thankyou for taking the time to make this make sense. Keep revealing yourself, I want to understand love in the context of service, I wanna understand love in the contetxt of seeing people as you see them, I wanna see love in the context of Justice but God, more than anything, I wanna see love in context of the cross, in the context of the bride, in the context that is too big to even comprehend. Put me deep in your heart daddy, I want to love as you love, it is so so beautiful here.

Thankyou

I have got to write it one more time:

As Mother Teresa said:

“I will love you through the pain, til only love remains I am your, oh Jesus I am yours”

amen

2007-02-18T16:34:00.000Z

Is it right to seeking the Experience of God? – Asking for a Damascus Road

There are such mixed views about seeking after the experiential. Many shy away form the topic altogether because there have been so many occasions when it has become the focus of meetings, hype and distraction. But with our eyes fixed on our Lord, we must note that the entire bible is filled with the experience of the supernatural, of God. And most significant and important, the radical transformation that occurred as a result of these experiences that has changed the world for the glory of God and the furthering of His kingdom. Don’t believe me? Look at Paul, at Moses, at Isaiah, at David, at Gideon. Keep looking and you will find nearly every major leading character has had the same thing happen. It appears that those especially called to a place of publicity, persecution, authority or all the above, are transformed by and walk in a place of supernatural revelation and an experience that gives them the ability to stay steadfast and true to God. It creates a fear of the Lord, a hope, a perspective, a greater love and revelation. God calls us to intimacy with Him and He calls us to relationship. How can we have a relationship with someone if there is a whole aspect missing? The idea of physicality with God is one of almost taboo and yet let us look:

Romans 12:1-3

I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

“Christians use this passage mostly when sending off a new missionary to a post overseas or when someone is doing some kind of ministry that involves self denial…I’d like to suggest that this passage is (however) also speaking about our physical bodies’ role in recognizing and working with God. Let me develop this in the life of King David, the man perhaps most acquainted with the presence and the glory of God of anyone in all of history.

David had 30-40 years in which he came freely before the actual manifested presence of God that was upon the Ark of the Covenant. God’s glory radiated visibly from it. The bible makes it clear that David was immeasurably impacted by God’s presence, as a result he wrote;

“My flesh longs for you…” (ps 63:1b)

Was he speaking purely metaphorically? I don’t think so. He was declaring that he had been so affected by the presence and the glory of God that his body itself ached and cried out for more. What’s true for David is true for us. In the same way that you and I hunger for food or thirst for water, our physical bodies, not just our emotions, intellects and spirits, can ache for God. And if we can hunger for God physically, then we can be satisfied physically…God has put it within our makeup the capacity to recognize Him and His activities with our physical bodies [senses].”

-Bill Johnson “Supernatural power of the transformed mind” pg 133

Proverbs 6:16-19

16 There are six things the LORD hates, seven that are detestable to him:17 haughty eyes, a lying tongue,hands that shed innocent blood, 18 a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, 19 a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers

Senses. Physical bodily senses. If they can displease God and be used for evil then surely…?

Romans 6:13

Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness.

"Understanding began to come to me. I realized that our five senses are the entry points and the access points of all the worldly and demonic influences that we come up against every day.

These are also the very places for the Holy Spirit and the power of God to be released in us. The problem is that we are yielding our five senses to the wrong areas and not to the Lord.”

Gary Oates “Open my eyes Lord” pg 43

Believe me yet?! The bible, the New Testament in fact, calls us to experience God with our physical senses, to interact with Him not only emotionally, spiritually, mentally and intellectually, but physically.

It is also important to see the role of physical experience of God in transforming our mind by giving us a vision and a fixing point giving us the ability to withstand:

"’Where there is no vision/revelation, the people perish/cast off restraint, but blessed are those who keep the law.’…As Christians, we are called to be a people of vision. We must learn to set a goal or a target in front of our eyes to gaze upon. It is only when we aim at something we have a chance at hitting it!”

- Jim Goll “the Seer” pg 46-47

The vision that Elijah, Elisha, Jacob, Zecheriah, Daniel, had, sustained them. Experiences can be the means by which (NOT the only means) the Lord gives us a vision that will sustain us through what is to come. It can also transform our very being and mindset:

“Jacob was seeking with all his might and found the face of God. He was not willing to give up. The struggle produced something heavenly in Jacob. His life was never the same after the encounter with the angel of the Lord. He found strength he didn’t know he had. He was transformed.”

Gary Oates “Open my Eyes Lord” pg 112

To seek an experience, as long as we are seeking the face of God first and only, is not a wrong thing. It has the potential to change our life as dramatically and unrecognizably as Paul and the potential to alter the course of history to the same degree for we have the same Spirit, so does the next conclusion stand to reason even if it’s a little scary?...If what is true for Paul could be true for us if we get revelation of whatever it is he saw or experienced….

…are we willing to ask God for a Damascus road experience?

Acts 9:1-9

Meanwhile, Saul was still breathing out murderous threats against the Lord's disciples. He went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues in Damascus, so that if he found any there who belonged to the Way, whether men or women, he might take them as prisoners to Jerusalem. As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?"

"Who are you, Lord?" Saul asked.

"I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," he replied. "Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do."

The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus. For three days he was blind, and did not eat or drink anything.

Fear of the Lord rightly causes us to tremble in His presence. The idea of asking for such a life transforming encounter and the possibility that God may in fact answer that prayer, fills us both with uncontainable excitement and also terror. It is right to be afraid in the presence of God, oh woe to those who would try and enter His presence cocky or self righteous! Lower and lower still beloved! Stay low! However, we can trust Him. We can trust Him with everything, He is our Daddy and there are bounds He will not cross:

“Again I was resisting what God was doing and I started backing down [from the heaven experience]. I realized that He would only take me as far as I was willing to allow Him, but I was the bottleneck. I put the brakes on. I was the one who would determine how far I went with Him. Because of insecurities and fear of the supernatural, I had somehow drawn a line in the sand with God.”

The way to experience God? To pray the prayer of Romans 6:13. To surrender ones body entirely and completely to the works of God. Pursuing a purity and a holiness that we called to, no compromise. Jesus says that those who are pure in heart will see Gods face. We have got to decide what we want and then run after it whatever the cost:

“David makes a solemn request in Psalm 86:11 (NIV) “Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your Truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name”. A divided heart can keep us out of God’s presence.…This is about COMPLETE SURRENDER. It’s a call to 100% commitment to Him. It’s saying to the Lord: ‘I want everything You’ve got…I’ll pay whatever the price. I want intimacy with you!”

Gary Oates “Open my eyes Lord” pg 42, 115

Which leads me to where I have been living recently…

(see my next post)

2007-02-18T14:50:00.000Z

Death to self – the life of a bondservant, ‘a living martyr’

Romans 6:11-12

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.

I also have been reading Rees Howells and I first off love how much time is taken with his early life, with the lessons he learned in the secret place, with the small and the seemingly ridiculous so that he would truly come to the place of total self sacrifice, total surrender before the rest of the book takes place. I love how his heart is so consumed with the God that He communes with and that there are hints of visions and third heaven experiences, that He cannot argue with the compulsion of the Holy Spirit. He is a man of such simple living and yet even in the level of humility he first walked in, God killed every part of him.

I am so challenged this week and as I move into lent that I should truly understand and begin to walk in the life I have chosen, to be utterly slave to Christ, His bondservant, a living martyr with "no more claim to his life than a dead man". We do not have to live this way to walk the Christian life or to commune with God. There are many great men and women of God who did not choose the radical path who were blessed and received warmly into Gods arms. The difference? The level of authority we walk in and the fruit we see on this earth. We are the ones who determine our fruitfulness and how far we go with God because it is determined by how far we let God move through us (cf the vine and the branches). The amount we have died to and bound and dealt with in our own lives is the level to which we can pray over other people. How can we pray that which we have not walked either physically or in the spirit?

And how can we understand humility unless first we learn how to lay down everything we have, including our rights? Who are we to say "I have a right" to this or that? If we have decided to live as a bondservant to God, then we have a right to nothing. Everything we are and have is a blessing and a grace gift. How freeing is that?! It sounds like bondage and yet it is not at all! It is a revelation that we can never be offended, never be disappointed again! We are ever without a right or ability to acheive anything and yet we are so blessed and highly favored of God that we can look around and every avenue of our lives drips His kindness, His grace, His mercy! From the breath we breathe to the people in our lives, provision, discipline, love, direction, a roof over our heads, food, joy, peace, happiness, health. Everything everything everything that we have is a grace gift from God when we have totally surrendered ourselves and our rights to Him. No longer can we ever say that by some earning power we have a 'right' to something, instead I have no right to be happy or fed or warm or comforted or supported or loved and yet He is my daddy God who has the right to do whatever He wishes and yet to me and you He has given in abundance what I ask. In this mindset, I can never be offended, instead always overwhelmed with His kindness.

Surely death to self is the greatest revelation of grace we can have?

I am reminded and I repeat once again the revelation that hit me this week from Julie Meyer's vision of heaven. The ultimate most beautiful act of worship in the whole of the heavens happens right here...

...to take everything we have been given by this grace, not just on earth but even our crowns in heaven, and to throw them down as the ultimate act of worship and surrender. To die to self, to worship the creator with every atom He ever gave us. God I want to understand because I want to worship you in Spirit and Truth simply because You are Worthy.