So the teddy...
"Two nights ago He showed me a vision of me clutching a raggedly old mangled teddy bear. It represented the past, things of comfort, sentimentalty etc etc. There was and is nothing wrong with hugging that bear either, just to point out. BUt He showed me that if I would only let go of the bear, He would fill my empty arms with whatI have prayed for, people, children, HIs fruit, His glory revealed through HIs works. But you cant hold with full arms. And then i remembered. There were only two times i cried through the two months in ghana a few years ago. Once when a 4day old died as i loved on her and wiped the blood from her mouth and noone cared, and once...
..when we were at the orphanage. The children were treated so poorly and all humanitarian aid was (unbeknown at this point to us) being diverted and locked into a back room where we found it but was actually being sold to raise money for the orphanage keeper. The kids never saw it, they had two sets of clothes each almost and they ate barely anything. Their toys were literally garbage. Bits of dolls, mangled and chewed up, rotten halves of teddy bears if that...we were so heartbroken over these kids and found this treasure trove so got all the new toys out and put them on their beds or them and took their old toys out the back to burn them so they could have their new ones. We tried so hard to explain about the whole new toys thing but they had never received nething new before, they couldnt imagine it, understand it or accept it and what happened next brought me to tears for hours. As we burned all the garbage that was around the site including these rotten toys that we had replaced, even though the kids knew about the new toys, they couldnt believe they were for them and we had to try and hold them back as the most desperate were running into the flames to try and retrieve their mangled burned pieces of plastic. It broke my heart, totally broke me. And yet.....is this not a vivid picture of ourselves? Of the church? Of us clinging just like the vision of the bear, just like the kids in the flames, to the old stuff because of a fear of impermanance or non existence of the new? Are we willing to let go of all the stuff we cling to even if it means our arms are empty for a while, to inherit and receive the armloads of promise we have asked God for and wait expectantly for? "
All of a sudden I have realised what that bear represents. Its not all things airy fairy, it is one of the dearest and closest people to me who I love with probably too much of my heart. When I asked God to break me and kill me, I only had a small idea of what that would mean and hat He might actually do it. The thing is, it is not that God is sadistic or stuff, but He has a huge number of people and promises He cant give to me with my arms full. Thats what I have realised. He wants all of me, He is so jealous, so abundant, so generous, so so so generous and loves me so much. I want to give Him everything and give up everything, but giving up costs us everything, it rips out our heart, it breaks us to the point of no return, it caues grief and pain and a death of flesh until every breath belongs to Him. If I wanna see the dead raised and nations come to Him, I, this little jar of clay, have to lay down and die for it, give up whatever is taking a palce in my heart that Jesus wants. He does not call me to despise my friendships, merely to trust He wants to fill my arms with new toys and curently I am clinging so hard to the one raggedly small one I think is the best it will be and is filling up those arms. He wants to give me stuff, I need to let go. I dont doubt He will give it back, but that doesnt mean i can not fully let go. God oh God oh God oh God this hurts. But I love you more than life, more than my friendships, more than my family, more than my heart, more than my ministry, I love you YOU you. Thankyou for the privelidge of laying down everything for you. Show me anything that still has my heart more than you, show me anything I value that I may give it to you, I give you everything. Amen x
"Two nights ago He showed me a vision of me clutching a raggedly old mangled teddy bear. It represented the past, things of comfort, sentimentalty etc etc. There was and is nothing wrong with hugging that bear either, just to point out. BUt He showed me that if I would only let go of the bear, He would fill my empty arms with whatI have prayed for, people, children, HIs fruit, His glory revealed through HIs works. But you cant hold with full arms. And then i remembered. There were only two times i cried through the two months in ghana a few years ago. Once when a 4day old died as i loved on her and wiped the blood from her mouth and noone cared, and once...
..when we were at the orphanage. The children were treated so poorly and all humanitarian aid was (unbeknown at this point to us) being diverted and locked into a back room where we found it but was actually being sold to raise money for the orphanage keeper. The kids never saw it, they had two sets of clothes each almost and they ate barely anything. Their toys were literally garbage. Bits of dolls, mangled and chewed up, rotten halves of teddy bears if that...we were so heartbroken over these kids and found this treasure trove so got all the new toys out and put them on their beds or them and took their old toys out the back to burn them so they could have their new ones. We tried so hard to explain about the whole new toys thing but they had never received nething new before, they couldnt imagine it, understand it or accept it and what happened next brought me to tears for hours. As we burned all the garbage that was around the site including these rotten toys that we had replaced, even though the kids knew about the new toys, they couldnt believe they were for them and we had to try and hold them back as the most desperate were running into the flames to try and retrieve their mangled burned pieces of plastic. It broke my heart, totally broke me. And yet.....is this not a vivid picture of ourselves? Of the church? Of us clinging just like the vision of the bear, just like the kids in the flames, to the old stuff because of a fear of impermanance or non existence of the new? Are we willing to let go of all the stuff we cling to even if it means our arms are empty for a while, to inherit and receive the armloads of promise we have asked God for and wait expectantly for? "
All of a sudden I have realised what that bear represents. Its not all things airy fairy, it is one of the dearest and closest people to me who I love with probably too much of my heart. When I asked God to break me and kill me, I only had a small idea of what that would mean and hat He might actually do it. The thing is, it is not that God is sadistic or stuff, but He has a huge number of people and promises He cant give to me with my arms full. Thats what I have realised. He wants all of me, He is so jealous, so abundant, so generous, so so so generous and loves me so much. I want to give Him everything and give up everything, but giving up costs us everything, it rips out our heart, it breaks us to the point of no return, it caues grief and pain and a death of flesh until every breath belongs to Him. If I wanna see the dead raised and nations come to Him, I, this little jar of clay, have to lay down and die for it, give up whatever is taking a palce in my heart that Jesus wants. He does not call me to despise my friendships, merely to trust He wants to fill my arms with new toys and curently I am clinging so hard to the one raggedly small one I think is the best it will be and is filling up those arms. He wants to give me stuff, I need to let go. I dont doubt He will give it back, but that doesnt mean i can not fully let go. God oh God oh God oh God this hurts. But I love you more than life, more than my friendships, more than my family, more than my heart, more than my ministry, I love you YOU you. Thankyou for the privelidge of laying down everything for you. Show me anything that still has my heart more than you, show me anything I value that I may give it to you, I give you everything. Amen x
posted by Claire at 11:18 PM
1 Comments:
Wow, such a powerful post. I have a saying, "SECURITY IS EVIL." (Not quite that dramatic, but, you know what I mean.)
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