*humbled*

St. Franci of Assis (From "The New Mystics" by John Crowder")

To the shock of everyone, this wealthy son of Assisi voluntarily and quite joyfully chose a life of poverty, renouncing all his possessions. Francis had a romantic charm and beauty that inspired the very Renaissance. His playfulness and exuberance was unlike the stereotypical ascetic, shunning the world around them. He was knows as God’s juggler, as he was full of song and poetry. While he demonstrated simplicity and humility of Christ, Francis showed that it was all an outworking of an inner happiness, not religious misery. He was always moving his feet around and dancing because of a cheerfulness he could not seem to contain. Francis began hanging out at a dilapidated old church called San Damian.

Then one day, he heard the audible voice of God come from the crucifix hanging there, saying “Rebuild my Church.” Francis took this literally, and began begging for stones, which he hauled one at a time up the walls of the old building in back breaking labor. But God would use Francis for a much larger building campaign – the church... Crowds would bring Francis the sick for healing, and would throng him to cut off a piece of his tunic. He healed the blind. Tumors vanished when he prayed. He was once preaching in a small village and the whole congregation was so touched, the entire group asked to be admitted to the monastic order as one corporate body. Francis asked Rome if he could live by a written rule that was no more than the bare words of Jesus.

Pope once said to Thomas Aquinas, “Ah Thomas…the church can no longer say, "Silver and gold have I none."

"That is true, your holiness," replied Aquinas but then neither can it now say, "Arise and walk,"

The church had secular and material power but no spiritual authority. (p. 97)

This summer I go to Holy given school of missions in Pemba, Mozambique (www.irismin.com/hgschool) actually, i leave next week!

But unlike some who are packing for a three month stint, I have moved out of my house but not moving to anywhere else and therefore have spent this past week packing everything I own, discovering i have hardly any storage anywhere and therefore having to throw so incredibly much of it away.

It is intriguing because I was so sure that material possessions held no value to me any more, if someone wandered in and was like "oo i like that" i would not think twice to say "take it, its yours" and just give it to them. My levels of sentimentality, by the grace of God and taught through 10 house moves in one year, have been drastically reduced. And yet i discovered this week that i still noticed the cost, it still cost me something to give away my clothes, things bought at certain times or by certain people, stuff i have collected or used or 'needed'. I have discovered that I valued far more than I thought and that in allowing others to just take it without knowin the value, I have had to truly understand that I either love the things that will perish, or that which is eternal. I cannot have both to the degree which I wanted. If I want to see kingdom break forth and to be able to drop all and go anywhere, I need to first evaluate how tightly I hold onto 'stuff' whatever that may be. This is merely my calling and everyone's is different and I have also learned how much Go does not require or desire we live in poverty or with a poverty mindset, He loves to show His abundance and provide for us, to watch us enjoy that which He provides and give us good gifts. But if I confess with my mouth to being willing to give up all, sell and give the money to the poor and be 'girded up' to go wherever and whenever He says go, then I have to live it out.

Therefore my conclusion today has been this; It is okay to be a reluctant missionary ;) there is such an abundance of grace as we begin to walk and try and do what He is asking us to do and what is planted so firmly in my heart, we dont have to be able to do everything all at once, learning is allowed! Giving things away and throwing things away was hard, my stuff is my history, representative of the place from which I have come and yet...

..I discover that infact, this is not really about the stuff at all, it is about commitment. In doing this, there is no turning back. I stand on the waves, back to the boat and I begin to take my baby steps into that which is going to be the rest of my life. This summer, this week in fact, is my commitment to the Lord that I have always professed with my lips, finally demonstrated in my actions. I am good at speaking and scribing, explaining and justifying, but to walk this out, to show God by my actions that I truly do trust Him to be my Jehovah Jireh, I am walking...

...and my reluctance begins to turn to a twinkling eyed resolute.

Bring on Mozambique...and the breaking forth of heaven on earth :)