I praye a lot today, mostly in tears, in response to my request for HIm to break and wreck me...God did just that. Im broken, it hurts, it is raw, I see things about myself I would rather forget, I am naked infront of my beloved, I am stripped bare. As i am curled in the corner of the room I see my need to be chased, my need to be loved and yet my resistance to letting God be the one who fulfils that. So often haeve I put my need for this on fallible man which is why so often it has hit me so hard when I have been let down. I see the woman in Hosea form who God removed all other avenues of love and dependance out of a jealousy for His bride. I see my doubting heart and I watch as "I" creep back into the picture out of my sheer desperation to see a move of God and yet doubt that He will/can do it without me 'making' it happen. I see that He cannot yet flow freely through me because I will not let Him freely anywhere He desires to go, I have said thus far and no further to my Lord. He is killing my rebellious spirit, but there is level of self protection that prevents total abandoned vulnerability that He wants to remove, peel away. As I see myself in the future and my natural propensity to pride instea dof boasting in Christ when I see signs and wonders, I understand why on this trip in a place where hundreds of miracle are occuring, I only see one. I see my heart attitude todsay as I sit here crumpled up out of the sight of anyone, curled in His arms crying in repentance, Im so caught up in wanting to see a miracle, never satisfied, that I did not even fully 'see' the hundred or so adults and kids who received eternal life and were baptised in the water and spirit last sunday, my dissatisfaction and chasing after the things of God meant I missed the greatest move of God one can see, the receipt of salvation...Lord I am so so sorry.

*God spoke to me for a while*

I aksed to be brought down a peg or two, humbled a little...and He has floored me. I am reminded of the lesson I learned during my spech fast which I oh so quickly forgot. With or without me, Gods will will be done. It is not that I am worthless, merely that it is not about me to the point of total humility. He is God, not I. Who am I to advise the potter about the jar He is crafting? Not I, not I.

He taught me yesterday how to wait, the days before, how to love. Today holds two lessons aside from a reminder of who runs this show; how to 100% present...and how to remove myself. The first is that as soon as I am distracted, I cannot love as He would, the anointing leaves, the authority is not commanded because our/my mind is not stayed on that which God has asked me to do at that time. The second? It is learning that, as was preached this morning, trees without water cannot bear fruit. From now on, until maybe heaven itself, if at any point I am dry, not drinking, not present 100%, not fruitful, I am to recognise that I am better off not geting in the way of what God wants to do, and get out of there and get with Him until, I am usable again. For as logn as it takes, soaking, drinking, crying, eating, letting Him heal and love me as He cried into my heart just a few minutes ago. It is in this place of brokeness, pain and sorrow and peace I am discovering the deepest revelation. Earlier this week He got me inspired and excited, gave me a glimpse of what he has got in 'the works'. He is reaffirming HIs promises and showing just enough, cheeky smile on face, that I can praise and glorify Him that all is in hand!and just worship and obey But then? KNwoing what my future holds, the gravity and the magnitude of His plans, I so easily became proud and loked to my own strength, logic and ability. Oh Lord, I am so sorry, and I was so hurt once more whena friend let me down. ALthough a natural reaction, I know God caused that sitution that I may boast only in Him and find my security only in Him, it was the only way to break this stubborn spirit in me, to reduce me to a crumpled heap in the corner of a lonely room, His arms wrapped physically tightly around me. Oh Father...thankyou.

Hosea 2

2 "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts. 3 Otherwise I will strip her naked and make her as bare as on the day she was born; I will make her like a desert, turn her into a parched land, and slay her with thirst. 4 I will not show my love to her children, because they are the children of adultery.
5 Their mother has been unfaithful and has conceived them in disgrace. She said, 'I will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.' 6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. 7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now.' 8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her the silver and gold—which they used for Baal. 9 "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens, and my new wine when it is ready. I will take back my wool and my linen, intended to cover her nakedness. 10 So now I will expose her lewdness before the eyes of her lovers; no one will take her out of my hands. 11 I will stop all her celebrations: her yearly festivals, her New Moons, her Sabbath days—all her appointed feasts. 12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers; I will make them a thicket, and wild animals will devour them. 13 I will punish her for the days she burned incense to the Baals; she decked herself with rings and jewelry, and went after her lovers, but me she forgot," declares the LORD.
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day
she came up out of Egypt. 16 "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master. 17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips; no longer will their names be invoked. 18 In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and the creatures that move along the ground. Bow and sword and battle I will abolish from the land, so that all may lie down in safety. 19 I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. 20 I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD. 21 "In that day I will respond," declares the LORD— "I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth; 22 and the earth will respond to the grain, the new wine and oil, and they will respond to Jezreel. 23 I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to those called 'Not my people, ' 'You are my people'; and they will say,
'You are my God.' "