Isn’t it incredible how much offense can eat away at our very being? How embarrassing to even admit that it is there, that some residue of pride still remains within our bones, within our psyche that drives an invisible rod between ourselves and those we love. Why? How could it do such a thing? Because offense momentarily closes our ears to dad and plants a tiny doubt that opens our ears to the lies of the accuser. If we choose to be offended, choose to be upset, we will begin to listen to and believe that which the enemy tells us in careful repeated lies about that person. All of a sudden the truths of who dad is and who we are fade away and we cannot quite grasp or recollect them and in the same instance, we find ourselves curiously wondering whether there could be some substantiation in what devil has been trying to tell us after all. If we choose to take offense and allow our flesh to rule even for the tiniest of seconds….well it’s the same thing as rebelling against this whole bond servant thing isn’t it? Do I have a right to anything? Therefore does offense by natural consequence of that sentence even exist in my vocabulary? No. by definition, if one does not have a right to anything, one cannot be offended by the lack of it.
Today I allowed my hormonal, emotion-ridden brain to, for a split second, be consumed not with His truth and what I know within my heart, but with what I saw, perceived and most annoyingly, old demons from so many years ago you would have thought they would have just faded away. But no, what do I discover? They are still there, the wounds still deep. Daddy would you come and not only put your salve, but heal completely those areas that still sting and burn from the pain of old. Daddy it hurt then and today I have discovered it still hurts now.
Maybe this blog is redundant, in fact I almost know it is and yet seeing as I have not written in so so long, I will continue to write and get it out, if only to scribe once more and fill the void that is my brain brimming with unspoken, unpainted thoughts, visions and dreams.
Isn’t it interesting how we project old stuff onto new situations? Today, for example, actually had hardly nething to do with the individual it concerned, I love her and in our relationship, there is a grace that covers all things. So then what was today about?
When God brings up old stuff, it is so often because He wished to dig out the roots, to consume every part of everything, it is intriguing that we do not let him do this work immediately and without question, why would we ever want to hold onto hurt and pain? …unless they are part of that which has for so long identified us. What if…what if instead of reacting with hurt and “this happened before so it will happen again” inevitability and insecurity, we do not move, we do not move, we do not move until Dad comes and pours Himself into us to give us the grace to love as He loves, to put the past behind us and walk out with heads held high, in a new found confidence. I do not want to any longer live upon the past of rejection, bullying and hurt, I especially refuse to live in a place of inevitability. No longer! No longer! Thus far and no further!
Therefore today is a new day. Even now, Daddy I ask you simply to come and consume the chaff, this chaff. Consume the last dregs of the stuff I didn’t even know still existed so that I would manifest in my actions, words and attitudes that which my heart feels, a deep love and grace determined by You and not by my own emotion.
Oh Dad you are so so good. I praise you for all of this. I am sorry for today. I praise you that you have brought breakthrough from such a
cruddy emotional flesh day, thankyou that there has not been one day this week you have not moved nad broken through and taken things to new levels! Oh Dad would I not take any of this for granted, walking naturally supernatural, new perspectives, oh daddy forgive me for how I have been today, transform me permanently daddy! I wanna be consumed! I wanna be consumed! I wanna be consumed! Oh God consume me! Consume me! Take me back to heaven! Open my natural eyes to see your glory and your angels and your FACE! Oh Jesus I wanna see into you\r eyes, I wanna see your face, oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jesus how beautiful you are and yet you call me beautiful. I am nothing and yet you call me beloved. Oh I am so undone by you even when I think about looking into your eyes. I am undone to an intensity which scares me and yet there is no fear in it, its just overwhelmingly intense. I will not run anymore. I cannot survive without you, I am miserable without you. Oh God search me and find any wicked way in me, have mercy! Forgive me! And transform me for your purposes. I lay everything down. I lay it down and I just love on you again. I love on you again. I want to shine daddy, please may you make me shine? Daddy. I love you. So so much, I love you. I love you. Oh I can never express it but that is all I have. I love you. I am yours. Amen x
posted by Claire at 10:52 PM
2 Comments:
Of course I don't know the details of what happened, but I think I know how you are feeling. A few weeks ago, a problem that I thought I had sorted out with God and buried for years came back with a bang, leaving me confused and very much in the flesh. There's a sort of humility and, I suppose, frustration that goes along with having these problems out in the open again. It's humbling to know how fleshly we truly are, how much we still struggle and are not able to surrender initially. There's frustration in that, even as those who have accepted the gift God has given, as long as sin and evil remain we WILL have moments of weakness, doubt, etc., though we have a heart and mind that long for righteousness, eternity, and have had glimpses of the glory and love of God. It's hard, isn't it? I know that for me personally, I have so much of the Hollywood Happy Ending mentality that there is so much anger and resentment when I allow the flesh to rule, when I spit in God's face even after all he has done. I encourage you (if you haven't already) to get a closer look at the history of the Israelites, for this reason: even after the heroic story of Moses, the fantastic miracles and the glory of God displayed all around,the parting of the Red Sea, the Israelites continued to sin at every turn. There were continuous periods of revival as well as ruin.
I think of believers sometimes as a present-day example of this. We have been so mercifully and undeservingly saved, yet we STILL put flesh on the throne, we STILL mess up so much. It hurts even more, I think, for people such as yourself who have truly pursued after God, seen his glory, known and loved him, witnessed miracles, etc. because sin has such a deep impact and ugliness compared to the truth of Jesus. Wow, honey, I'm rambling, sorry about that. Know that I love you dearly and am praying for you. *mwah*
Yeah Claire. HG5. Still not official for me attending, but it's gettin there.
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