I am one for whom it takes incredibly long for the incredibly obvious to sink in, for it really to take root and transfer from being head knowledge to being heart and lifestyle action. Maybe its because I have spent that much longer doing the ’theoretical Christian’ thing, maybe its because I have grown weary and discouraged from chasing after that which seems to happen to other people. So quickly does my human mind forget that which has shaped my very life, that has taken me from almost guaranteed suicide and placed my feet upon a rock and my self in this place of such provision and blessing and security in who I am. I suppose part of today however is a realization that my security isn’t as secure as I once thought it was. I sit under the fire and reprimand of the Lord, of myself as well if Im honest, and I feel seven again. The age when you truly believe you understand everything and when little girls become pretentious if they are that way inclined as they cannot see that they are still only children and in fact they need discipline, they need guidance and they sometimes just need to recognize their immaturity. Just like throughout growing up it is a painful lesson to learn, recognizing immaturity in the spirit, especially that immaturity which has birthed pride and a dependence of other peoples views and opinions of oneself, is so so painful. And yet, I prayed the prayer, I wanted to die, I gave Him myself, I asked to be ruined, wrecked, broken and taken…this is the answer.
There has been such a mindset I never even noticed still existed within me that has had its derivation from old insecurities, past friendships, past hurts and comments mad by those to whom I should not have tossed pearls. What am I talking about? I am talking about caring what other people think of me, I am talking about being jealous (not just hungering) but jealous that Gods grace seems more abundant over some than others. I am talking about realizing how very young and very incapable I am. And yet I KNOW all of the above is under the blood, I KNOW that this isn’t the root, I KNOW this is covering something much, much deeper that if I recognize it, satan will no longer have a hold and this stuff that he is using to mask it will simply disappear. The root?... *praying*
I cant do it.
Revelation, as I said, takes so very very very long to come to me and really take root, especially revelation like this because of its pain levels. I have always been aware that nothing I say or do can change the impossible, that only God can, that I am not in control etc etc etc but I look at myself and my attitudes and I know that God is calling me to repent of it all, in the true meaning of the word…to have a transformation of mind and view. I know that I am incapable of healing by simply laying on hands unless the spirit of God comes…and yet I am a nurse so I can at least in my own strength rely on the medical profession. I know that I cannot heal a broken heart or provide restoration to those who have been broken….but I am good at empathizing, making gifts and patching stuff up. I know that I cannot provide incredible finance…but I can write letters, mention stuff to people I know can help and ‘build connections’ so I have a plan B. I know that if I were to pray the radical ‘taboo’ prayers on the streets of the city, I may not see an answer, so I watch myself praying out of my own ability, praying for comfort, relief of pain or symptoms, joy or them to know they are not alone. I pray all those things that I know if God doesn’t show up, I can step into the gap.
Do I pray the impossible? Yes. Have I seen the impossible happen? Yes. Do I have the faith for the impossible? Yes to that too even.
So what am I saying?
I suppose I am merely realizing the very depths of my control issue. The thing is, if I really really really really believe it. If God is who HE says He is. If I am wanting to live on the winds of the spirit. If I want to live in such a way that if he were ever to leave I would be dead, if I wanna live such that, just like the Israelites LITERALY relied on Gods direction and provision or they would physically die…if THIS IS MY PRAYER.
Then I wont ever be able to do it. Only God will be able to. So I gotta stop trying
There is no room for plan B anymore. I repent of my mindset that has created so many plans, so many roots out. I repent of everything I have held onto, the places I am going, the ministry I wanna be in, especially even the things I want people to think of me or the ‘acheivements’ I wanna make. I repent of it all because I recognize in my utter brokenness, in pain beyond pain. That only You Lord. Only You. Only You Lord can do it, can do anything, can send the thermals I can rise up into, can heal the paraplegic as I lay my hand upon them. The ability to speak your love into the unloveable. To go wherever you say and not question how when or where. Only You Lord are able to do anything through this mere jar of clay. I can do nothing.
I see now, I realize, this is where my insecurity lay. Something has shifted in the spiritual today. Something so much deeper than the ‘experiential’ I was still seeking despite the very sermon I preached! Something in my focus, my vision, my understanding, my dying. I boast only in the Lord. Alone, I can do nothing. But I declare and declare and declare that with Him dwelling in me (oh Lord teach me how the be a permanent dwelling place!) with Him dwelling within me, with Him pouring through me, with Him speaking and giving me the very words to say….I can do all things. I will do all things. And yet…
….even if….
(Oh Lord NOW I understand why these guys have come up ALL WEEK! Lol AND why you had me re listen to my own talk! Lol)
“if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand Oh King. But even if He does not, we want you to know Oh king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Dan 3:17-18)
If ever there was a scripture I need to live in for a while…there it is. Praise Be to God in heaven forever and ever and ever. Praise Him for His faithfulness, his patience, His loving kindness, His revelation, His presence, His spirit, His provision. Praise be to God every single day of my life, my lips will praise Him. I will live only for Him, I will only listen to what He says about me, I will only walk where He says I should go..
“unless your presence goes before me, I will not go” (Ex 33)
Lord,
I am yours.
Amen x
There has been such a mindset I never even noticed still existed within me that has had its derivation from old insecurities, past friendships, past hurts and comments mad by those to whom I should not have tossed pearls. What am I talking about? I am talking about caring what other people think of me, I am talking about being jealous (not just hungering) but jealous that Gods grace seems more abundant over some than others. I am talking about realizing how very young and very incapable I am. And yet I KNOW all of the above is under the blood, I KNOW that this isn’t the root, I KNOW this is covering something much, much deeper that if I recognize it, satan will no longer have a hold and this stuff that he is using to mask it will simply disappear. The root?... *praying*
I cant do it.
Revelation, as I said, takes so very very very long to come to me and really take root, especially revelation like this because of its pain levels. I have always been aware that nothing I say or do can change the impossible, that only God can, that I am not in control etc etc etc but I look at myself and my attitudes and I know that God is calling me to repent of it all, in the true meaning of the word…to have a transformation of mind and view. I know that I am incapable of healing by simply laying on hands unless the spirit of God comes…and yet I am a nurse so I can at least in my own strength rely on the medical profession. I know that I cannot heal a broken heart or provide restoration to those who have been broken….but I am good at empathizing, making gifts and patching stuff up. I know that I cannot provide incredible finance…but I can write letters, mention stuff to people I know can help and ‘build connections’ so I have a plan B. I know that if I were to pray the radical ‘taboo’ prayers on the streets of the city, I may not see an answer, so I watch myself praying out of my own ability, praying for comfort, relief of pain or symptoms, joy or them to know they are not alone. I pray all those things that I know if God doesn’t show up, I can step into the gap.
Do I pray the impossible? Yes. Have I seen the impossible happen? Yes. Do I have the faith for the impossible? Yes to that too even.
So what am I saying?
I suppose I am merely realizing the very depths of my control issue. The thing is, if I really really really really believe it. If God is who HE says He is. If I am wanting to live on the winds of the spirit. If I want to live in such a way that if he were ever to leave I would be dead, if I wanna live such that, just like the Israelites LITERALY relied on Gods direction and provision or they would physically die…if THIS IS MY PRAYER.
Then I wont ever be able to do it. Only God will be able to. So I gotta stop trying
There is no room for plan B anymore. I repent of my mindset that has created so many plans, so many roots out. I repent of everything I have held onto, the places I am going, the ministry I wanna be in, especially even the things I want people to think of me or the ‘acheivements’ I wanna make. I repent of it all because I recognize in my utter brokenness, in pain beyond pain. That only You Lord. Only You. Only You Lord can do it, can do anything, can send the thermals I can rise up into, can heal the paraplegic as I lay my hand upon them. The ability to speak your love into the unloveable. To go wherever you say and not question how when or where. Only You Lord are able to do anything through this mere jar of clay. I can do nothing.
I see now, I realize, this is where my insecurity lay. Something has shifted in the spiritual today. Something so much deeper than the ‘experiential’ I was still seeking despite the very sermon I preached! Something in my focus, my vision, my understanding, my dying. I boast only in the Lord. Alone, I can do nothing. But I declare and declare and declare that with Him dwelling in me (oh Lord teach me how the be a permanent dwelling place!) with Him dwelling within me, with Him pouring through me, with Him speaking and giving me the very words to say….I can do all things. I will do all things. And yet…
….even if….
(Oh Lord NOW I understand why these guys have come up ALL WEEK! Lol AND why you had me re listen to my own talk! Lol)
“if we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and He will rescue us from your hand Oh King. But even if He does not, we want you to know Oh king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” (Dan 3:17-18)
If ever there was a scripture I need to live in for a while…there it is. Praise Be to God in heaven forever and ever and ever. Praise Him for His faithfulness, his patience, His loving kindness, His revelation, His presence, His spirit, His provision. Praise be to God every single day of my life, my lips will praise Him. I will live only for Him, I will only listen to what He says about me, I will only walk where He says I should go..
“unless your presence goes before me, I will not go” (Ex 33)
Lord,
I am yours.
Amen x
posted by Claire at 4:09 PM
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