I will sing to the Lord all my days!

I wil sing and make music,

My heart will be glad all of my days,

I will glorify the Lord.

Like a fire in my bones,

like a fire in my bones,

is this love for my beloved.

I am the pearl, He is the pearl, I am the pearl!!!

Wowzer, SO much has happened today! This week has been SUCH a battle which kinda sucks cos Amanda has been here and has bourne the brunt of it, God I still dont understand why she sticks with me but I praise God til kingdom come that she does cos Lord knows I need people around me like her, as do we all! I am so so blessed. Anyways, yeah, so it has been such a battle for a number of reasons but mainly cos I dont like to die quietly and I asked God to kill me. I suppose I have felt like I lost everything that God gave me in MOzambique, I suppose the feeling was that it had slipped away, that the clouds I had asked God to remove were back and the break in the clouds that was His presence was becoming more few and far between once more. There is nothing that makes you more desperate, more hungry, more upset, more broken than frustration and the feeling of failing. I felt like I had lost everything and yet it is even just as I write this that the revelation hits me, I have lost nothing,

I have merely gained back all that God gave me the ability to lay down.

What He did in Mozambique was not give me something that I have lost...

..He took something from me that, the longer I have been here, I have chosen to take back.

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh Senhor, forgive me. Take it back. Thankyou for hearing my prayer to make me totally dependant on you, thankyou for this fire, thankyou that I am in the thick of you stripping me of everything, of everything I have ever leant on, to you, thankyou for removing comfort blankets, for stripping my neurotiscisms in my natural flesh, for stripping away my routine, for stripping away the need to plan, keep stripping! More fire Lord!!!! It hurts so so bad, sometimes it feels like it will kill me but if its for your purposes which I know it is, then let it be!

LET IT BE!!!

I am reminded of a dream I had a few weeks or so ago. It was amazingly random and involved but it ended up in us having this moral battle with another team to determine who would win. The other team were comprised of people from big churches and amazing theologies etc and they gae this awesome sermon, thoroughly emotive with visual aids etc to convince the judges. They smugly grinned at us as one of us got up gingerly to deliver our message. And the representative from our team merely stood at the front and just said "down....down...down....down...down....down..." they were gving us such crazy looks and then we explained ourself...lower and lower still. Thats the direction God wants us. So our prayer is down...down....down. I awoke. Whether we won or not meant nothing, I knew it was my prayer and it is my prayer. I am far far far too proud. So down and down and down I pray, Lord make me lower and lower still.

I spoke to Brenda today, one of my two spiritual moms, mainly about the fact God kept me up most of the night last night to pray for her after a conversation with her in a dream and a vision for them both. Then, without knowing nething about my plans, she confirmed to the LETTER next year, confirmed what I should do and made me realise that I, due to lack of faith, had watered down the promise of God over my finances for which I have repented very quickly! She confirmed that I will be going long term next year into missions overseas for good, that I will probably have a training year and then God will take me in a random direction and I will be off! That I will probably be working for Iris and to be prepared cos after Holy Given she cant forsee me being in England much longer than a 10day or so stretch. We also realised it is NINE MONTHS between now and when I go to HG school and that this has to be a time of preparation, as a mother to be would prepare; prepapre body, mind, house, finances etc for what is to come. In terms of finances, I had watered down the initial promise of God, I will NOT be in debt when I go onto the missions field. I will have no strings attaching me anywhere. In the physical it is impossible, so YAY GOD! an opportunity for more glory to Him!!! :)

hallelujah.

I got the opportunity to worship today, to pray, to share with a friend and encourage her also to leave everything of comfort and come onto the mission field. I watch with wonderment and awe as God puts piece after piece together in front of my eyes. I ask for help with finances and I get the most perfect accountability partner, I ask for direction, I get direct accurate and precise prophecy from people on the field itself, I ask for Him and I get hunger, I ask for singular dependance, I get killed.

My prayer now? I want to see His glory. Exodus 33 is my prayer.

15 Then Moses said to him, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?"
17 And the LORD said to Moses, "I will do the very thing you have asked, because I am pleased with you and I know you by name."
18 Then Moses said, "Now show me your glory."
19 And the LORD said, "I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion. 20 But," he said, "you cannot see my face, for no one may see me and live."

If God's presence does not go before me, I will not go. I want to see His glory, I need Him to be my before and behind. I need Him to be my everything and show every single step of the way. I want the idea of me doing something off my own bat to be as crazy as the idea of the Israelites in the desert wandering away from the pillar of fire and cloud from around which their food came and from which their direction was given and their God was manifest. I want that to remain my prayer. I wanna be His laid down lover, His handmaiden. It hurts, but I pray for more, more fire. I wanna be pure, I wanna be ready, I wanna be His.

Glory and honor and majesty and power and strength, belong to you Lord, belong only to you. Amen

Oh and I had a vision of someone dancing serenly in a meadow with the sunlight beaming on their face as they worshipped, but what was revealed to me which had never occured to me before, was that a meadow is comprised solely of what one would consider all types of weeds!! KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!!!!!

wooooop!We need to bring them in for banquet! We need to embrace those "weeds" of society! and we need to be able to feel the sunlight beat on our faces when surrounded by those situations that feel like weeds! this is such a two fold vision but makes so much sense, HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!!