This is a post it has taken me almost two weeks to get round to writing, maybe because it has taken at least that long to learn the lesson, which continues to be learned even now. What is it that God has been teaching me these past two weeks?

To crowbar seperate the words productivity and fruitfulness. I was recently described as a driven person which I never really saw myself as being but I realised, within the western culture, so many of us are so easily driven, task orientated, goal motivated. We are only content, satisfed, happy if we feel we have 'accomplished' something. Or at least I am. I find I rate my days in terms of productivity, in terms of what I have managed to acheive. Why? It makes me feel like I am doing something, makes me feel like I am not lazy, and then I realised, it makes me feel like I am earning my keep with God.

It has made me 'feel' fruitful.

And yet, what is fruitfulness? is it not a gift? is it not something that naturally is produced form BEING with our God? I know this is all stuff we know, but revelation hits hard when it hits, you know? See the thing is, i have known I cannot earn His love, I have known that He loves me for being me, but I havent lived like it.

In my actions, I have demonstrated a love of works, I have demonstrated how I cannot believe God would love me to the same degree if I sat here and did nothing, day in day out for the rest of my life. How could I? Thats not productive, thats not what He wants from us, how could He love me just the same if I did not acheive anything? True I would be like the servant who buried his talent in the ground and I DO need to do something with the gifts God has given me, but thats just it;

Gifts give rise to the natural fruit of them. They are not bourne from striving, just by being able to put ones plans to one side and being ready for God whenever He says do this or that. This past two weeks I have had every plan I made fall to the wayside and guess what? I have prayed with people, loved on people, been able to invest in people, share Jesus with people. I have been available and fruitful, even though in human eyes I have looked painfully unproductive with all the 'things' i should be getting done at the moment.

All fruitfulness flows from intimacy. Anything else is a 'productivity' acheived from human striving. I am fed up being a canary, I wanna soar far higher without a flap of my wings. I wanna learn how to detect the thermals

and soar to new heights.

And the other truth in all this? A much more fundamental and important truth? The realisation of Gods love. He cant love me any more, I cannot earn His love. If it truly is unconditional and immesurable, then I have gotta stop making it a human love. Guess what? If I never do anything again except commune with Him. He will love me the same. Drop by drop that is hitting home. Slowly but dramatically. He loves me. He really loves me. He will always love me. I cannot earn His love. He loves me anyway. Oh God.

Man oh man. I quote again, fruitfulness flows from intimacy. I just wanna stay in daddys lap always always always. Curl up and live. Everything else will happen when He determines, I am fruitful just by being near Him and reflecting Him, productivity is dead. I no longer us it as my plumbline.