The rain quietly runs out of pastel gray skies outside as I sit in my room contemplating the past few weeks. Throughout them I have known the refining fire of the Lord, the purifying process of a heart that is being stripped of every layer of itself. I have watched the power of God when my hands are taken off and He hijacks every single day. And I have felt all the emotions that rise up quietly in ones throat as all control is surrendered to something that remains unseen and unknown. I look at the individuals and I know that God is teaching me how to love, I watch His grace in action as I realize my inability and my painfully selfish flesh continuing to rise up and react to situations. I praise Him that no longer do I react as I would, but that He has literally transformed everything about me.
And still I sit.
No longer able to hear the rain now, only the music quietly playing in the background, reminding of my Jesus’ beauty. Reminding me of His sovereignty, reminding me of my smallness in it all, my inability as well as the fact I am His beloved and He is mine. I look at the eight books I am halfway through, think over the vast plethora of programs, talks, conferences, memories, prayers and cries of my heart. And for a millisecond I find myself wondering. Have I inadvertently given myself spiritual indigestion?! Could it be that all God wants is me? Could it be that sitting here, not even praying, accomplishing nothing, speaking no words, interacting with nobody, rain quietly continuing both outside and down the walls of my heart, that He still loves me?
Once again I have tried to become more for Him. Like a wife who feels too fat, like a girlfriend who wants to prepare the greatest feast for her love but cannot cook, like the mother who does not understand the homework of her child, do I feel in the eyes of my love. I do not feel worthy of His love and although I know it is true, although I know it is real, although I know that it will never leave and He loves me as I am, I cannot help but think, want, to better myself so that I will be of more use, more understanding, more like Him, more…something. And yet, just like the wife whose diet fails in the midst of stress, I need to know I am loved just the way I am. That THIS is the woman He called His beloved, that THIS is the woman over who all the prophecies were spoken, that THIS is the one He calls child, sister, bride, that right here right now, THIS woman is what He has called me to be. Why? Because I cannot be any more. If He wants to speak through me, it cannot be through the pages of books I have digested until I cannot take anymore talk of my beloved, it cannot be through the wise words of speaker after speaker who my heart longs to emulate but are not me.
The work God has for me, only I can do.
That is what I desperately need to get a revelation of right now. I need to know it God. I need to know that right now, right here, I am enough, that this is enough, that you do not refine to change me into someone else, but you merely strip back that which the work has blotted me with. That you are merely stripping away to me. Just me. God. Please reveal to me that only I can do what is set before me. That this story, this plotline, this ending, is only mine and yours. I am done living other peoples stories, I am done trying to second guess. If anything is going to happen through me, it is because you will hijack me and place me there with your words already on my lips. Father, please.
Your love
Your love
Stands forever
Oh Jesus
Your love
Your love
Your love
It stands firm forever
And in your faithfulness
You provide redemption
Holy and awesome
Are you.
And still I sit.
No longer able to hear the rain now, only the music quietly playing in the background, reminding of my Jesus’ beauty. Reminding me of His sovereignty, reminding me of my smallness in it all, my inability as well as the fact I am His beloved and He is mine. I look at the eight books I am halfway through, think over the vast plethora of programs, talks, conferences, memories, prayers and cries of my heart. And for a millisecond I find myself wondering. Have I inadvertently given myself spiritual indigestion?! Could it be that all God wants is me? Could it be that sitting here, not even praying, accomplishing nothing, speaking no words, interacting with nobody, rain quietly continuing both outside and down the walls of my heart, that He still loves me?
Once again I have tried to become more for Him. Like a wife who feels too fat, like a girlfriend who wants to prepare the greatest feast for her love but cannot cook, like the mother who does not understand the homework of her child, do I feel in the eyes of my love. I do not feel worthy of His love and although I know it is true, although I know it is real, although I know that it will never leave and He loves me as I am, I cannot help but think, want, to better myself so that I will be of more use, more understanding, more like Him, more…something. And yet, just like the wife whose diet fails in the midst of stress, I need to know I am loved just the way I am. That THIS is the woman He called His beloved, that THIS is the woman over who all the prophecies were spoken, that THIS is the one He calls child, sister, bride, that right here right now, THIS woman is what He has called me to be. Why? Because I cannot be any more. If He wants to speak through me, it cannot be through the pages of books I have digested until I cannot take anymore talk of my beloved, it cannot be through the wise words of speaker after speaker who my heart longs to emulate but are not me.
The work God has for me, only I can do.
That is what I desperately need to get a revelation of right now. I need to know it God. I need to know that right now, right here, I am enough, that this is enough, that you do not refine to change me into someone else, but you merely strip back that which the work has blotted me with. That you are merely stripping away to me. Just me. God. Please reveal to me that only I can do what is set before me. That this story, this plotline, this ending, is only mine and yours. I am done living other peoples stories, I am done trying to second guess. If anything is going to happen through me, it is because you will hijack me and place me there with your words already on my lips. Father, please.
Your love
Your love
Stands forever
Oh Jesus
Your love
Your love
Your love
It stands firm forever
And in your faithfulness
You provide redemption
Holy and awesome
Are you.
posted by Claire at 1:53 PM
1 Comments:
and still another truth that is pounding in my spirit louder and louder. As I was reading this it is just another billboard sign saying, "Come away with Me, Beloved. I want YOU to come away with Me. spend time with me....look into My eyes....touch My wounds...feel Me breathing. Come away My Beloved, Come." How desperate are we to see Him? How much do we really want Him? To what lengths will we go to have Him inhabit us? What are we willing to sacrifice? What will it cost us? Absolutely EVERYTHING!! Take me to the secret place God. Take me into your inner courts, into the holy of holys. I long to go into your chambers.
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