Great is the Lord! Mighty in battle! the one who redeems, vindicates, loves, protects, upholds and fights for us! We can stand and He will bring about the impossible for His people! Glory to God on high, truly, there is no other God.

I can barely articulate anything except the intense gratitude to my God for bringing me through the wilderness, for breaking me, for watering the tares in my spirit so that they would grow up from the wheat and I could see them and cut them down. The work is by no means done, that would be an indicator of perfection, but I praise God that in His great mercy He would break me and bruise me, allure me into a place of wilderness, so that I may truly know His voice alone once more, the breath on His lips caressing my cheek, the touch of His hand, quietening my nervous busy-ness. To know the name that He whispers to me in the cool of the night, the dreams and desires unfulfilled and yet not unpromised. The hope of the truth of His word and the fruition once more of fruit and promise as He takes HIs precious time to re-instill within me the truth of abiding in the vine. Oh what a gracious God! Discipline is certainly not wasted on those unloved, for it takes time, patience, grace and mercy...but oh, to know how loved a daughter I am that God would take the time to stand with me in the furnace of circumstance, to hold me in the wilderness of depression and to walk with me as we both come out...me...leaning on my beloved.

To the Israelites, camping by a sea when their enemies were on the horizon seemed hopeless, terrifying, pointless, it made no sense and soon they cried out for their lives of slavery once more. Surely there was nothing else here for them? Surely this was the end of the road? The promises of God hollow and empty, God apparently silent and castrated of their power, sadistic and human natured after all. Dissapointed and scared they cry out for mercy and not only does God do the imposible and lead them in the one direction it is naturally impossible to go...through the very seas itself, but BEFORE then...

....before then, the cloud that directed them went behind them. God had their backs, was their rearguard. Protected and shielded them whilst He made the way clear. There is so much more in this that I leave the story in Exodus to speak to you directly but this I do know...

Whichever wilderness, whether the wilderness of apparent broken promise and hopelessness that traps and surrounds, or the wilderness of a broken life, stripped bare of everything and everyone, all vineyards stripped away, sitting naked, humbled and vulnerable....Whether you leave dramatically by a route that doesnt exist or barely standing, leaning with your full weight on your reinstated beloved who is strong enough...

You do come out of the wilderness....trust Him.

I have to sleep and I am wanting to give Jesus the rest of my evening so this will be short but oh so sweet. He is ravishing me again!!! It has been a battle, still is a battle, but I can hear Him, feel Him, smell Him, touch Him! whether it is permanent or break in the clouds I do not know neither do I care right now except that I know He is here. He is wooing me like in Hosea 2, He is calling me by name and in my naked, ruined, broken mess of a state, He is calling me into His very heart and loving on me in a way and with an abundance of grace that makes no sense. I deserve punishment! What a harlot and a whore I have been to Him and yet where the world would stone me...how does it make sense that He takes us into a desert not to punish us but to give us a new name, to draw us into an even deeper place of intimacy?!!? doesnt he know our humaness? doesnt He stop trusting us? I am so overwhelmed receiving a love I have not been imparting, to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of my actions, to be hurting for the same reasons God hurts right now and yet...oh He loves me in a way that makes no sense, that breaks my heart.

He is revealing Himself to me again as He does in the wilderness and the valley of achor (Hosea 2) truly I have never known a grace like it. I, totally undeserving and yet...and yet He calls me to Himself, He calls me by name and draws me into His heart. Not to give me answers and formula and reason. But just to love me and be with me and hold me. Oh, what to do with this?! How to lay down the hurt and pain, how to lay down hurts, pour out forgiveness, shower with grace, wipe the slate clean, trust again and truly love without condition, love as He has asked me to without needing reciprocation, loving like Jesus...because of Jesus...for Jesus and Him alone. How to cover this in grace? how to learn mercy? Oh that He would consume me. I want to abide in Him.

I am done being a twig. I cannot bear fruit without Him. I am being burned in the pile and am so ready to be grafted again, to abide in the vine.

I am in such an interesting place at the moment, life has thrown curve balls that have made me realise the humaness of the beautiful people around me, and of myself. The realisation that peole are but grass that withers and our feet are so often placed in shifting sand. The promises I have so often held people to are fallen promises made on a whim that they never know whether they really will keep or not. The only one who knows is Him, the only one I can trust and believe and, most beautifully, who loves me even though He knows my nastiest and most human side, is my beloved. Day by day I pray that He reminds me once again how to worship, how to let go of bitterness, how to reside once again in His heart and allow Him to just hold me without kicking and screaming. My heart needs Him so bad and yet I feel like an overtired child that does not know what to do with themselves at all. He is so gracious and loving and faithful and kind. It is hard for my flesh not to want to distrust Him also, to distrust whether song of songs really was for us or whether His gift or His love was conditional after all. But I look around and I know, I pray and I know, I read His word and I know. to whom else can we turn? Who else has the keys of eternal life? Who else can we trust? I can no longer trust anyone as I trust Him. He is jealous, burning with jealousy but He is slow to anger, not slow to love. He sees our imperfections, our ugliness, our cancerous thoughts and battered hearts but He does not despise us for them, neither does He ask us to sort them before He will love us again. He does not hold us to the human standards that we are so often hurt and let down by, He loves us in the midst of it all, regardless of what happens next, even if we dont change, he still loves us. That is a truth that right now is blowing my mind, that has me speechless in so many ways. I have been hurt like I thought I could never be by someone who does not even realise how they have hurt me. Broken promises of who I was to them when, when all is said and done, it turns out that they didn't love me as much as they thought they did after all, instead despised me. To be loved for the Jesus that pours forth through our lives is such an incredible honor and makes me so happy. But to be loved unconditionally, wherever we are at, however we act, warts and all, just because we are us, not because of what we do or hear or the relationship we have with our Daddy...that is a much truer love.

Misty sings in one of her songs; "...disillusionment it is a gift..." it made me think and think this afternoon, how could disillusionment possibly be a gift? Because it pushes us further towards the one who is altogether lovely and altogether holy. It reminds us that this world is but a breath and the men in it but grass that withers and falls. It keeps us in a place where our eyes have to be turned towards Him because there is nothing left. Oh that we would learn to love Him like He loves us, to walk as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego walked, to love Him without condition and without offense.

Daddy, I want to be in that place again.

The Narrow Gate - Martin Scott - http://www.3generations.eu/blog/

A good friend, Andy Knox, sent me this yesterday. He is someone who hears the Lord accurately, and when I wrote about ‘the gate’ he was encouraged to send me what he had been hearing. I commend it to you for prayer… again it is possible what is released in 08 is released then but the manifestation takes place after the year.

I heard the Lord say 2008 is the year of the narrow gate. I saw the gate in a hedgerow, and the other side of it a wide open field. It fells like a squeeze to get through the gate, but the wide open spaces in God the other side of it are really beautiful, where He sets our boundaries in place.

For some, the squeeze is like that of Joseph in going from Potiphar’s house through Prison into his place of destiny and purpose in God. He’d done well in the service of Potiphar, but in order to get to where He could fully inherit all that God had for him, and see the fulfillment of things dreamt about, he had to go through the squeeze of the narrow prison gate. In that place he probably felt pretty vulnerable, a bit like he’d lost it, disillusioned and then, through faithfulness, interpreting and understanding the nature of dreams and some key appointments, he’s through the gate and into the wide open space of seeing the provision of the provider in a ‘foreign land’ to be a blessing to the nations. So, a repositioning is taking place, but the way to that place feels very uncomfortable.

For others the squeeze is one like the camel going through the eye of the needle. Literally, baggage has to be put down, that cannot be hauled through afterwards. Things from the last season cannot be carried into the next. For some that includes radical decisions about finances, for some it means dealing with unnecessary burdens of false guilt, but the provision on the other side of the gate is so vast, that there needs to be no fear of letting go.

I also believe that for many, Numbers13/Deuteronomy 1 is a key narrative in 2008. 2000 was a year that the Lord clearly spoke to forerunners that it was time to ‘go in and possess the land’. The spies have now returned and there are 2 reports being released to the body of Christ. 1 report says, that we should stay at the mountain, that the giants in the land are too big, and we would be stupid to try anything different to what we know. The 2nd is one that says, the fruit is good, the land is fertile, our God is bigger and He is the provider and protector. Yes there are giants, but it is a time for courage and hope in the knowledge of who God is. If we don’t cross the river and fully circumcise our hearts we cannot see and be the fullness of all that God intends. This year is a big year of chioce for the people of God to listen to the report of hope. We have to learn to stand together in a new way.

"Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted"

"Implicit in this statement is that those who do not mourn will not be comforted and those who do not face endings will not receive the beginnings" Walter Brueggemann

Today I determined that, being in a place I have never been before, it would be wisdom to at least try and journal all that is going on that I might least attempt to leave a log for in the future when hindsight is once more 20/20 and the world is rose colored again.

Right now, I am in Southampton, staying with friends, unable to work and just trying to find my feet in what feels like very shifting sand transition times. I returned from America two weeks ago exactly and from Mozambique Africa in September. 2007 has established itself in my memory archives as one of the most packed, head spinning and crazy years I have ever known. My feet barely touched the ground and what an exhilarating ride it was! However it leaves me here, through incredible highs and lows, I now find that I have finally stopped.

The place I am in now has been called so many things by people I speak to, wilderness, barren place, furnace, hard place, a new season..who knows. They are all great spiritual phrases and all valid in their own right but the thing is, none of them totally fit. The place I am in now is one of complete stopping. It is as if God has totally immobilised me, not given me the tiniest hint as to my next twist or turn, the next direction or step. He has pretty much completely pulled the carpet from my feet on every front. Every thing I ever thought was certain, my last remaining strands of permanence whether physical health, job, ministry, location or closest friends...has been ripped from me and I am left knowing only three words. He is here.

How I move from this place or even stay and reside in it, I am unsure. What to do next is an unknown and yet what to do now is no more clear. I adore my beautiful God who is so faithful and true. I trust Him for He is trustworthy. I just don't understand Him. In time I will, I know that. This is not a permanent season and as I lay things down and choose to let go even the most precious things to me, I know that some will be restored and some will leave forever. Which ones are which I do not know and I just choose to trust God with the things most precious to me and the people that I would give my life for in a heartbeat. Nothing is certain anymore. No-one is certain, all are human and whatever God's plans and purposes and design, we all have our choices and desires. All I can do is open my hands and look back to Him expectantly, desperately hoping that at some point, letting go of them will hurt less and He will guide me as to what is next, and whether or not He will restore all that He ordained and established.

I don't expect anyone to understand what I write, it doesn't matter how this reads except that it is on paper, it is written that I might remember this place. I do not want to forget nor despise the place I am in, this place of so much and so little. I know that God is teaching me contentment, He is teaching me who He is again, His place. As my jealous husband, as my everything. His faithfulness is beautiful, His jealousy is unimaginable, His love is off the scale and His grace and forgiveness knows no limit. I am undone by Him and am not worthy for Him to take the time to not just give me another job to do but to strip all away and see what is left, to purify for Himself a bride of His very own who is eager only to do what is good (Titus 2:14) and is His. So here I will stay until He tells me to go elsewhere. Not just because I am trapped and unable to decide to move, but because I trust Him and I know that He has a purpose.

All I need to know, is that He still has a strategy...and I am in it.

It is a new year and God is here :)

It thrills my heart to its very core that when all is stripped away, when we are shells of ourselves, at the end of everything that we are and that we know...He is there. He remains there in faithfulness, in goodness, in peace and perfection, in holiness, in forgiveness. The very essence of everything that He is and was and will be. The great I AM goes nowhere.

I have ridden the tossing and turning waves of the last year. I have seen things beyond comprehension, by His grace been shown things I did not deserve to see and yet have also known the storm, the pain and the furnace in the midst of the greatness and wonder. As Heidi has said and lives day by day, it is a cup of suffering as well as joy. The two come hand in hand and as much as I despise the suffering at times, I praise God that I can trust Him. When all else fails around me, when all else crumbles and falls, all I am left to realize to an even greater clarity is the even greater extent to which I can trust Him and entrust Him with everything. He goes nowhere. We do everything we can and live out of our flesh and our humaness, covered in the cancer of sin and yet over and over and over, instead of offense He offers love, instead of anger He extends grace and forgiveness, instead of turning His back and walking away, He is running with His arms outstretched, tears pouring down His beaming face to once again embrace the son, the daughter, that He loves and has given everything in eternity for.

I am undone by His mercy, His grace, His forgiveness and most of all His love. I have stood on the stormy sea and felt the wind whip my face, the boat no longer in sight. I cannot turn back, I asked Him to take me out of the boat, I asked to walk on water. It is me and Him now, nothing else, no security or comfort other that what I know in Him. Me and Him, eyes locked, almost a stand off as He asked me this year if I will continue to walk, continue to trust Him as the waves continue to beat against my feet, the gale battering my wind burnt cheeks. For so long this winter I have found myself crying "Jesus, I just can't", at the end of myself, frozen with fear, with tiredness, with uncertainty, with so much that cannot even be articulated. I chose to look at the waves, to stare at the wind. To trust the things that I saw and felt and knew, to trust my 'reality', my common sense, what I knew and to try and run to the boat behind, to choose comfort after all, to backtrack on where He has brought me, by my own asking. But the boat is nowhere to be seen...and I began to sink.

A human standing there would have walked away, would have been hurt, disappointed, rejected...so many things. We read Peter's story with criticising eyes and judgemental minds. But Jesus never criticised him. He never said a thing against him. The amount of grace extended to Peter throughout Jesus' life is astounding. We don't understand, it makes no sense to our human reasoning but the thing is...

...at least Peter got out of the boat.

It is a life lesson that I think I will learn and continue to learn until my dying day. I almost want to remain captive to human reasoning and the judgment and opinion of man for feeling of deserving it. Fear of man and fear of the unknown and circumstance had so quickly frozen me from the pure childlike thrill and delight of walking on the water, doing the impossible with Jesus. But Jesus never condemned him like we so often feel we should be. The ending of 2007 for me was not the failure that the world and my mind would have me believe it was. On the contrary. God is God. At the end of ourselves, there is more room for His rule and reign. I feel like I am so far from everything He has for me and then I discover the greatest new years present of all...I am right where He wants me, where He needs me. The only place where my pride is no longer, where my hands and prised open, nothing left, empty and broken, a place from which anything can happen. Him and me. Me and Him. My creator, my beloved, my best friend, my master, my everything....and I.

What does 2008 hold? I have no idea. Who will come on the journey along the way? Does it even matter any more? I trust Him. Everything of my world has crumbled and yet...

...He has not forsaken me, nor ever will.

Praise be to God the maker of heaven and earth. The earth is His tabernacle and I will praise Him for as long as I live simply because He is worthy. He is trustworthy and true. I can run to the far sides of the earth, to the deepest depths of the sea and He is there, He knows my thoughts before they form in my head. He is faithfulness. He is love. He is perfection. He is holy. He is in control.

He is everything.

Jesus, I only know one thing walking into this year on the waves, staring into your beautiful beautiful eyes and that is....

.....that I love you.