God spoke to us today about Him being our friend, about how heaven was not this big freaky thing that is full of responsibility and accountability and purpose and all of that, but He just showed us what He showed us cos we are His friends and He wanted to. How releasing! It makes me miss Him and it again. It makes me dare to pray again to meet Him in that place because it is not this huge heavy thing, it is merely the place where friends meet and commune and delight in showing off to each other.

This fall, however horrific, has been the balancer for this summer. One without the other would have destroyed me and the world around me and us. Both together has been a furnace like no other where God has answered our prayer for total dependence. He has shown us Himself as the unmoving rock, as the constant in the storm and the only one we can trust completely. He has shown us Himself as a friend. It has taken three months of intense and sometimes hellish times to realize that and to be in a place where instead of speaking the lingo or jumping from one high to the next, there is a deep seated reality that even in the valley, even if we run to the far sides of the sea and make our bed in the darkest night, He is there.

Most nights, that is all the Lord has said to me as I have wept and wept in His arms. Not some shallow empty words, but as I cried His name, He simply held me and repeated "I am here". Three words which made this fall ok. Three words that in the midst of not even feeling Him let along seeing straight, gave me the hope and the comfort to continue to cling. He does not go anywhere. It is not about 'ministry' or all of that stuff. It's just not. It's about, as we go, making disciples, getting His heart, seeing and hearing whatever He wants us to see and hear and being obedient. But above all, it is about being His friend, His beloved, just being with Him. Knowing that you are enough, that the natural overflow of a faith and love of Him in that context, is the delight in pleasing Him and helping Him and being in partnership with Him.

Let's leave the complicated deep theology, doctrine and paradigms to the more intellectual among us, those who minister in those areas and who the Lord has blessed with the gift to pick out the detail in His perfect order. But I do not want to be that person, cannot be that person. Maybe I believe too simplistically. That is ok with me. My faith comes down to the simple facts. Jesus died for me, He did everything He ever needed to do. His grace is sufficient and covers me and He wants to be my friend not my master. Everything is simply and purely out of an extravagance of love. What a delight! He shows me heaven and gives me words and visions because I am His friend, not because I have this great huge 'anointing' and 'ministry' etc. He loves to sit with me and point out people and give me His heart, not cos I have some huge burden and responsibility to carry, but because friends share everything together. I am His friend.

I do not know so much about the future, the reason for all that has gone before, this year or anything else. But what I do know, is that this next year is going to be ok. I don't know how quite yet, everything in me feels quite sick as I realize that it looks nothing like I had dreamed it would. But He has it. We can rely or put our hope and trust in no man. He is there. Just like He is here. That is my message, His message. That is all I have left.

Thank you God. Forever. Thank you.