Sometimes you just have to journal, sometimes there is nothing that can even be articulated and yet...when all is said and done, you end up just having to write and write until your fingers stop and your mind is calm and you don't need to be distracted anymore.

So they are finally 'official'. What does that mean? and why does it bother me even a tiny bit? It shouldn't, but deep down I suppose the only thing that bothered me was the answer to the one question I barely wanted to ask him. Did that mean that God said yes? For so long I had at least the tiniest lingering hope that he wouldn't hear yes about anyone, not just me, just anyone, at least for a while. The idea, in fact, the knowing that "God said yes'" provokes such a variety of responses within me that this is as far as I can go in expressing what is going on inside my head..or maybe thats why, because all my responses currently aren't inside my head, they are in my heart.

Intriguing I'm sure. All I want now? All I want is for someone to comfort me, to come up to me when i least expect and to throw their arms around me, hug me, comfort me, choose to sit with me and make things better and ok. For me not to have to ask for a hug but for someone to be wired as I am or at the very least know me well enough to come and take me of guard and by surprise and hold me and hug me without me saying a word. He was the only one who did that and who got me like that. Maybe thats why I still miss him. I dont miss him anymore...i just miss that.