"My heart and flesh cry out
For you the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul.
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you"
Today was a turnings day. A day when rubber hit the road. I don’t know how much is worth putting on here suffice to say that a very dear patient of mine who I know well was diagnosed with a second cancer unrelated to the first which occurred with less than a million to one chance and has reduced his life expectancy from 5-15yrs to 5-15months. He broke the news to me today and I had the immense privilege this afternoon of God providing the divine opportunity for me to be able to sit with him undisturbed, and share the gospel and Jesus with him. An hour of difficult hard conversation, questions without answer, hurt and pain and tears. Not the gospel conversation I ever envisioned and certainly not where and with who in what circumstance.
And yet
He asked me to pray for him and knows I am fighting his corner spiritually even though he himself has not yet given his life to Christ. He opened up to God so much but it was during this conversation that today’s turning occurred.
I do not think it coincidence that it was within my studies last night I discovered that the breakdown of the word repentance in the original Greek actually literally translates as "turning mind" the thing about repentance is that it is the formation and acting upon a NEW PERSPECTIVE. That hit me in the gut from the outset of reading it but oh today put it into practice. The thing is, we have fresh perspectives in God and to be honest, is very easy when we are with everyone else who shares it or who is so poor and desperate they need that fire. But what about those who desperately need Him and it appears like He has deserted them? I was left with a question that has sobered me and brought me to my knees in tears most of today. I have peace about it because I know this is a profound lesson the Lord is teaching me, but it is sobering all the same because of its ramifications and the "repentance" that needs to occur in response.
When the rubber hits the road, do we believe God is who HE says HE is, has and will do what HE says HE will, and is living and active and present right here right now?
Because so often we pray within our own comfort zones or that of the zones of people we are praying for. We pray not out of faith but out of comfort. What can we bring to situations where prayer is required? In the human flesh? not much, but we can bring empathy and comfort. However, in doing so and not having the faith for the greater works of God, we are taking responsibility on making sure He appears to show up instead of TRUSTING that HE will do that which we cannot comprehend and it pains us to even speak out loud such is the size of our mustard seed faith. And yet, He works through us, in us. THIS IS WHY WE MUST BE BROKEN. We must have our hearts broken. We must let Him wreck us so we are no earthly good, so we have nothing left to cling onto besides Him for then we will abandon our pride and all that comes with it, and display Christ and Christ crucified and Christ risen, we will proclaim His healing and His power and His love even when there seems to be no way that it could ever break through or impact . And when our faith is such that to believe for a miracle such as the one I promised to pray and believe for today, healing in an impossible circumstance, we must pray that He break us, kill us, and grow that mustard seed so that the mountain can and will move. I long to be in a place where I don’t get in the way any more, where my own agenda, own fears and insecurities about what will really happen if I pray as I say to, if I truly believe the bible.... I long for the day when I am so abandoned to Him and so SECURE in Christ security and God's Lordship and so sufficient ONLY in Christ’s sufficiency that come another situation like today I would not even hesitate to offer to pray and to declare that the God I love and serve can and will heal and bring salvation and peace and joy and love and HOPE. I long for the day when I use God as a crutch to merely display my heart and my longing to be able to comfort the inconsolable...Oh for the day when I do not MAKE EXCUSES FOR GOD AND TRY AND PROTECT HIS NAME IF SOMETHING DOESNT HAPPEN JUST IN CASE SOMEONE MIGHT THEREFORE THINK BADLY OF HIM?!?!?!? How ludicrous is that?!??!??!?!?!!
Lord, may that day come right now. I don’t want to wait years and years although I know there is a growing maturity in this till the day I die and maybe beyond. But I want to be dead in my flesh, I want to be wrecked and broken and ruined and raw that you might pour out through me, that I may not fear but be totally abandoned and obedient whatever happens or doesn’t happen. LORD...HELP ME GIVE YOU BACK THE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN MIRACLES!
There is so much more pouring form my heart but I feel they can only be expressed by the groaning that is beyond words and the heavenly tongue you so graciously and generously provide us with in moments like this. I love you. With everything I have, I love you I love you I love you....Jesus. Your will be done, on EARTH AS IN HEAVEN! JESUS! Hallelujah!
In your powerful and precious name I pray.
Amen x
p.s. before some of you bring up the question of dilemmas I must face as a nurse seeing sickness in the face of healing, why people are sick or in fact how we should pray, faith etc. Read the following; John 9. It does not come close to full answers, but this guy had done nothing wrong, it was not condemnation, he was simply sick so the Lord could be glorified further. The application of this? It is an exciting, exhilarating one and is uncharted territory. But a place I am willing to walk. Will you walk off the map with me?
For you the living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul.
I've tasted and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to you
I will draw near to you"
Today was a turnings day. A day when rubber hit the road. I don’t know how much is worth putting on here suffice to say that a very dear patient of mine who I know well was diagnosed with a second cancer unrelated to the first which occurred with less than a million to one chance and has reduced his life expectancy from 5-15yrs to 5-15months. He broke the news to me today and I had the immense privilege this afternoon of God providing the divine opportunity for me to be able to sit with him undisturbed, and share the gospel and Jesus with him. An hour of difficult hard conversation, questions without answer, hurt and pain and tears. Not the gospel conversation I ever envisioned and certainly not where and with who in what circumstance.
And yet
He asked me to pray for him and knows I am fighting his corner spiritually even though he himself has not yet given his life to Christ. He opened up to God so much but it was during this conversation that today’s turning occurred.
I do not think it coincidence that it was within my studies last night I discovered that the breakdown of the word repentance in the original Greek actually literally translates as "turning mind" the thing about repentance is that it is the formation and acting upon a NEW PERSPECTIVE. That hit me in the gut from the outset of reading it but oh today put it into practice. The thing is, we have fresh perspectives in God and to be honest, is very easy when we are with everyone else who shares it or who is so poor and desperate they need that fire. But what about those who desperately need Him and it appears like He has deserted them? I was left with a question that has sobered me and brought me to my knees in tears most of today. I have peace about it because I know this is a profound lesson the Lord is teaching me, but it is sobering all the same because of its ramifications and the "repentance" that needs to occur in response.
When the rubber hits the road, do we believe God is who HE says HE is, has and will do what HE says HE will, and is living and active and present right here right now?
Because so often we pray within our own comfort zones or that of the zones of people we are praying for. We pray not out of faith but out of comfort. What can we bring to situations where prayer is required? In the human flesh? not much, but we can bring empathy and comfort. However, in doing so and not having the faith for the greater works of God, we are taking responsibility on making sure He appears to show up instead of TRUSTING that HE will do that which we cannot comprehend and it pains us to even speak out loud such is the size of our mustard seed faith. And yet, He works through us, in us. THIS IS WHY WE MUST BE BROKEN. We must have our hearts broken. We must let Him wreck us so we are no earthly good, so we have nothing left to cling onto besides Him for then we will abandon our pride and all that comes with it, and display Christ and Christ crucified and Christ risen, we will proclaim His healing and His power and His love even when there seems to be no way that it could ever break through or impact . And when our faith is such that to believe for a miracle such as the one I promised to pray and believe for today, healing in an impossible circumstance, we must pray that He break us, kill us, and grow that mustard seed so that the mountain can and will move. I long to be in a place where I don’t get in the way any more, where my own agenda, own fears and insecurities about what will really happen if I pray as I say to, if I truly believe the bible.... I long for the day when I am so abandoned to Him and so SECURE in Christ security and God's Lordship and so sufficient ONLY in Christ’s sufficiency that come another situation like today I would not even hesitate to offer to pray and to declare that the God I love and serve can and will heal and bring salvation and peace and joy and love and HOPE. I long for the day when I use God as a crutch to merely display my heart and my longing to be able to comfort the inconsolable...Oh for the day when I do not MAKE EXCUSES FOR GOD AND TRY AND PROTECT HIS NAME IF SOMETHING DOESNT HAPPEN JUST IN CASE SOMEONE MIGHT THEREFORE THINK BADLY OF HIM?!?!?!? How ludicrous is that?!??!??!?!?!!
Lord, may that day come right now. I don’t want to wait years and years although I know there is a growing maturity in this till the day I die and maybe beyond. But I want to be dead in my flesh, I want to be wrecked and broken and ruined and raw that you might pour out through me, that I may not fear but be totally abandoned and obedient whatever happens or doesn’t happen. LORD...HELP ME GIVE YOU BACK THE CONTROL OVER YOUR OWN MIRACLES!
There is so much more pouring form my heart but I feel they can only be expressed by the groaning that is beyond words and the heavenly tongue you so graciously and generously provide us with in moments like this. I love you. With everything I have, I love you I love you I love you....Jesus. Your will be done, on EARTH AS IN HEAVEN! JESUS! Hallelujah!
In your powerful and precious name I pray.
Amen x
p.s. before some of you bring up the question of dilemmas I must face as a nurse seeing sickness in the face of healing, why people are sick or in fact how we should pray, faith etc. Read the following; John 9. It does not come close to full answers, but this guy had done nothing wrong, it was not condemnation, he was simply sick so the Lord could be glorified further. The application of this? It is an exciting, exhilarating one and is uncharted territory. But a place I am willing to walk. Will you walk off the map with me?
posted by Claire at 9:01 AM
2 Comments:
I hear ya. I work in a nursing home with younger people who have schizophrenia, autism, hydrocephalus, epilepsy, etc etc etc. I've prayed over many of them, yet ALL of them remained UNHEALED. I remind myself that it's not my problem. I, myself, cannot manufacture their miracle, I can't manufacture the faith for their healing. It's all of God.
Finally i come across your blog!
I've been hoping you've been blogging - I'm gonna get a lot of joy reading how much God is wrecking you and, who knows, maybe soon He'll destroy me as much!
Debra Green last night was awesome, you'll have to come join us in prayer for our city :-)
come check out my blog mate!
Big C
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